Gone But Not Forgotten

It's been quite awhile since I've written here. I doubt updating this now is going to do anything, I doubt anyone will read it, but hey, if you're here, cool, thanks. I just need a place to write down my thoughts and this is the best place to do it I think.

So in the past few months, I've gotten a job, and I'm pretty damn successful in what I do. I'm a technology sales man at an office supplies store. I'm consistently one of the top sellers in the entire region (as in a few of the states around here, not just a couple of stores). A gift, a talent of mine is manipulation, and I have a sick pride over it. To best describe it, I'm close to that of Izaya Orihara from Durarara, Light Yagami from DeathNote or Slevin Klevra from Lucky # Slevin. Don't get the references? Well, these three characters are people who are exceptionally brilliant, although they don't always make it apparent. They are excellent at calculating people and getting them to act the way they need them to in order to accomplish this goal. I'm not going to lie, maybe not the most noble skill to have in life, but it's a skill that's nice to have nonetheless.

So while sure, it's nice to help decent people out, my main concern is to 'up-sell' if possible. All that means is if someone is looking to buy...let's say a laptop, I make sure they leave with some antivirus software and a hardware insurance plan. I'm that kind of salesman, and I'm damn good at it. Like I said, it's a sickening pride I have over it. My capture rate on how well I can suck someone into something like that is extremely high. That's what the job entails and when I have a job to do, I make sure I'm the best at it.

I got good at it by reading a lot of con artistry books. That's what all business is, just one big con, so that's why I boned up on my reading. I took every tactic I read in the books I have and apply it to this job. It works effectively and gets me what I want. I've sold it on things that shouldn't even deserve an insurance plan on it, just because I could. I've sold it on mice, backpacks, chairs, calculators, thumb drives...I know, I'm a terrible person.

However, that's not the only thing I do.

At my job, there is this one person I completely hated. He was lazy and dragged down the store. Now, normally, I really wouldn't care. What he wanted to do was all up to him. If he wanted to do nothing and get fired because of it, that was one thing. However, when it comes to making money, I only make commission (the whole reason why I care about making sales in the first place) when the entire store hits a sales goal. He would not sell anything which brought down the store's sales; my sales, thus no commission for me. I would be okay with this, possibly, if he could do something, but many, many days would I be stuck pulling his work, making me do double the tasks. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind working hard, but when I have to do other people's work because they're lazy, that's when I get pissed. So I hatched a plan.

How in the world could I get him out of there...? I was not going to go to management because they didn't even know how to manage the store. If they couldn't get him to work, how were they going to get him out of there? I couldn't overwork him, he would just leave it all to me and it would be counterproductive to me. So instead, I went with self destruction. I knew his weak points, the things that made him tick and set him off. I used this to my advantage.

There's this girl he absolutely hates. He could not stand her in the least, and her him. So I used that to my advantage and combated them against each other. I kept at it on both sides, goading each other to do something, but discretely of course. Just little nudges like, "Hey man, that's not cool how...." or, "I can't believe he did this. That's not right....Right?" until it finally all paid off. Yelled at her and told her off to the point of tears and so she tagged that as harassment and he got fired quite quickly. I was happy for a time...but then it got quite boring. Nothing I can do about that at the moment, but now I got something completely different on my mind which, weirdly enough, is also work related.

But first, let me take this back a bit to something a bit more light hearted. At the beginning of November, I went to a large anime convention. It had 10,000 people, roughly, and it was the most fun I've had. No exaggeration. I stayed in a hotel for three days and actually got to bond with people who understood my weird quirkiness. I was in a rave for 6 hours. Constant moving and dancing. And so many damn stairs. The elevators were always full so I had to always walk up and down to my room which was on the twentieth floor. That probably took away from all the McDonalds I ate when I was there. Still, those things are not even the best part.

The Bondage Panel.

I'm very much into bondage. Nothing super hardcore, I'm not the type that's into full leather body suits with zippers over every orifice and D-rings for restraints. Just some light bondage, a few ropes maybe, just a little bit of restraint.

I went in expecting to learn somethings, and I learned quite a lot. I learned quite a few knots and ties. How to tie up a person completely or just do their hands or even just their legs. What made it great was the girl I met there. That's what made this experience amazing. She was a very well endowed girl dressed as a french maid. Very cute and she smelled like cotton candy. Delicious.

I don't know how I got so lucky, but she sat next to me, and when people started separating off, I quickly chose her before anyone else could. I was not going to let this opportunity pass. She gladly accepted and let me practice tying her up...at first I was such a failure though haha. I stayed confident though and I talked to her, flirted it up, even got a number. I should've finalized though and stayed the night in her room (we were in a hotel for crying out loud), but I wasn't ballzy enough.

So back to work story. I told this one girl who I've always had my eye on at my job about the bondage panel. She's a darkly cute girl who I've fancied for a bit. She's quite the interesting girl, very skinny, very petite. I knew that she was into at least a few weird things, so I decided to run that by her, a bit of bait for I knew it would perk her interest, and next thing I know, she's on the hook.

I start to flirt with her a little more than usual and we start to texting, and next thing I know, she wants me to have sex with her. She just wants a no strings attached thing, purely physical. If you're reading this and you've kept up with all of my posts, you know that I'm that guy that girls just kinda use as emotional support. She said right to me, "I want to fuck you and steal your virginity away from you" (yes, I still am a virgin), something just snapped inside of me. I decided that I'm done being that guy that lets girls step all over me.

I take her over to my house, and we're chilling in my bed and we start making out. I take off her shirt and pants and everything underneath all before I even take off any article of clothing. She's a bit nervous, from the way I act at work, "the Nice Guy", she never would've expected something like this out of me a month prior. I just kiss her and I start to work. Then I stop. I realize I'm letting all my teachings from the beginning of the month go to waste.

I run to the bathroom, grab the tie I was wearing and come out. She's wondering what I'm about to do and I quickly and expertly tie up her hands. Then I make her squirm. I'm not going to go too far into detail, but unfortunately, the story ends with she needs to leave and I'm still a virgin.

Now, I'm not just a monster, I actually do like this girl. I don't want to just have sex with her and not give a shit even though she wanted to have a no strings attached thing. Although from the above you wouldn't be able to tell, I'm quite a romantic and when it comes to charming a lady, apparently I'm top notch at that. I tell her all sorts of sweet things, however, I do not lie. That is one thing I will not do. Everything I say to her is truth, and it appears that she is starting to feel something for me. Which is apparently bad.

She says she's still in love with her Ex, and they meet all the time and have crazy passionate sex, partly in thanks to me. They always had sex, but that was just for pleasure, but ever since I started getting into things, she said it's become a lot more passionate. Which pisses me off, but I can't help it. The sweet nothings I tell her really charges her up, and then this guy takes advantage of my hardwork. I hate it, but c'est la vie.

So now she's at a crossroads. She' constantly tell she doesn't want to hurt me. I've been hurt in the past, people use me all the time, I keep on telling her I don't give a shit, but she's still afraid to hurt me. However, I think she might be just scared of getting hurt herself. From the way she acts, I think she's afraid I'm going to hurt her and so she doesn't want to get involved with me. She always says she falls back on her ex but has commitment issues and so ends up cheating on him and the process occurs over and over again. Maybe this is just me, but it really seems like she's just always scared of being hurt and so she goes off and finds another guy before she can let him hurt her. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy.

So now this is dragging me down. She's all depressed partly because of me and there's nothing I can do about it. I really want her, but I know that in the end, there's no way I can have her. I'm just waiting for the inevitable. No matter how charming I am, I do not believer there is hope. It's already done, I can feel it. But hey, it was fun while it lasted. Her lips were always soft and she always smelled good. Her body was always soft and warm and was fun to cuddle with.

Then that brings up the last dilemma. The maid. I really like her too, but she lives far away. I talk to her all the time and that girl puts the biggest, goofiest grins on my face saying the sweet things she does. I already know she's into the same things I am into, hell, she's into more things than I am. She's sweet and beautiful and cute. But I've never officially hung out with her. I'm hoping that when I finally do meet her, something will blossom out of it.

That's going to be Friday, December the 9th. I am going to spend so much money, but I just hope she's worth it. But this puts me in a dilemma. I really do like my coworker, I really like her. She's the first person who has ever actually taken my feelings into account of anything at all. She's completely open and honest with me which is something I have a hard time finding in my life; anyone who is honest. It's very endearing.

Then there's the Maid. She's very sweet and kind and cute. She's as nerdy as I am and funny. I really like her too, but there's the problem of her living so far away.

I just don't know what to do at this point, but I think I'll know by Friday. Man, I always like having a harem in High School because I never had to choose, never really wanted to given the girls that were in it. But now, even just two girls are too much... I'm such a hopeless cause.

Oh first world problems.

Def Leppard

I haven't written here in awhile, I've been so busy with work, and every time I go to try it, I can't ever think of anything, but I started keeping a log of things to write about, so here's hoping I can keep back up with this again. So, here's something that happened last month, but first let me start back to the beginning of summer.

There was this girl, she was a piece of Jailbait to be honest, but not terribly young. I'm nineteen, she's seventeen, I don't see anything wrong with that. She's a cute little red head and pretty funny, even if through her naivete sometimes. I hung out with her quite often over the summer (she was the subject in a post actually, the one I went to the flea market with and got some stuff), but I could tell I was going to be friendzoned. I mean, hell, even her father liked me.

Oh, yeah, her father. Let me give you a bit of perspective on her father.

First, physical traits: His arms are fucking HUGE. And I don't mean this like, "oh yeah, he has some big arms, he's kind of a scary guy with the right shadowing". I mean his arms are huge because he used to pull SEMI TRUCKS in competition for a living. Yeah. That fucking big. Keep that in mind.

Second, psychological traits: Kicked his daughter out at one point because she wanted to talk to him because she thought she might be bisexual. Straight up kicked her right the fuck out for a couple weeks. Just because of that. From what I've seen and heard, the guy isn't even some kind of super Christian, he's just an ass.

Third, he has a gun collection: Yeah. Because his fucking arms weren't enough. He had to have a gun collection.

So fast forward to August 20th. Def Leppard is in town. It's a band I enjoy. It's a band she loves. I figured I'd take her there and try and make a move. Then I found out it was more like her family taking me along. Damn it. I already said I was going to go though and I am a man of my word.

Fortune smiled upon me that night however. It appeared he was too pissed off at his girlfriend to go to this concert and enjoy it, so instead, it was just going to be me and her. Things were looking up. I was secretly happy, ecstatic even, but I kept it inside. Then he asked me something that kinda took me aback.

"So do you know how to shoot a gun?"

I couldn't tell if he was asking because he wanted to gauge how 'dangerous' I was. I knew he was also quite racist so I wasn't sure if he was chalking me up to a black stereotype or not.

"Uhm....Why?"

"Just answer the question. DO you know...how to fire a gun?"

"I...I guess? I mean, if I had to shoot somebody, I'm sure I could figure out how to just point it and shoot it"

"Well listen, I'm going to give you this gun and if a man tries to do anything inappropriate with my daughter, you shoot them."

In my head: Oh, hahaha, he's trying to intimidate me by subtly letting me know he has a gun.

...

Wait. Is he serious? No, he can't be serious.
The look in his eyes suggested otherwise though. I just kinda nervously laughed and told him I'd shoot myself in the foot if he gave it to me, still, he tried to push it on me. Luckily, his girlfriend stepped in and told him to stop being 'silly'. Maybe I'm just innocent, but offering some kid you've met twice a gun isn't being silly. But hey, maybe I'm just a bit chaste.

Then we got down to a bit of business. He was planning on making me the manager of a pizza place he owned. Was going to pay me well. Going to get free food all the time. Life looked pretty damn good. Didn't even have to fill out an application. Fuck yeah, connections.

So then we left. Got to be front row at the concert and was even there in time to see Heart open up for them. I tried making a move a few times at the concert, putting my hand around her waist, trying to get real close to her, putting my hand around her shoulder, but she just kinda brushed it off. Eventually, I took the hint and just let it be and enjoyed the concert.

This is where things get tricky.

The concert didn't get out till eleven.
Dad thought it got out at ten.
I waited a good hour to let all the drunk traffic go ahead of me.
Didn't leave till midnight.
Stopped for ice cream.

That's when I got the angry phone call.

"WHERETHEFUCKISMYDAUGHTERIWANTHERASSHOMEI'MGOINGTOKICKYOURASSIFSHEISN'TFUCKINGHOMERIGHTUFKCINGNOW"

I tried to explain the situation, I told him I'd talk to him about it, but that just pissed him off even more. I told him how he was wrong and how I was trying to be, y'know, responsible and not dead, but he wouldn't have it. He was fucking furious.

So now take this into account.

His arms are as big as my torso. He has a gun collection. His mental state is....something that is lacking. And I have his underage daughter. And (according to his schedule) she's two hours late.

After that, I drove home as fast as I could and dropped her off. I was going to stay and talk to him, but she told me that was a horrible idea. And apparently he wasn't even there at the house and was circling around in the parking lots of the venue. He made it there in four minutes and, with normal driving, it takes fours minutes to get off their street and another fifteen to get there.

That night was just a weird one in general. I mean, if something happened, ANYTHING, even anything like a kiss happened, it would've made all that anger directed at me justified, but nothing happened. At least I got to sit front row there. It would've been more profitable to get another girl though I suppose.

Reflecting on it though, I guess in the end it was a good thing I didn't take that gun from him. That....would've been awkward as fuck to try and get back to him.

"Oh, yeah, here ya go. I know you're super pissed at me. Here's your gun back" :D

Stand Up

So, I'm going to be doing stand up in front of a very large audience on Saturday. I went through and I labeled all of my stories and I would really appreciate it if you just took the time to go through some of them, skim through the ones that seem interesting, and tell me which ones that you think are the best.

I really need the help to know what's funny and what isn't. I'd really, REALLY appreciate the help. Thank you!

Awkward

Just a couple of short (aw, who am I kidding. Since when have any of these been short ey?) and sweet stories. Decided I would try and throw down a new entry on all my days off. Let's hope I can keep up with that.

So I was remembering a time in high school when I was in Japanese class. I was taking a test, whether it was particularly hard or easy is not what this story is about. That little detail is just to give you the setting. Just a really tense, on edge test where everyone is quiet and in deep heavy concentration.

The only noise that was to be heard in the classroom was the slight tapping by fidgety feet, the occasional page flip of the test, the scrawling of notes from a separate 'class' (I'll explain that in a moment), and the pattering of fingers against the keyboard made by the teacher. The teacher is kinda strict, so things had to be kept silent. While she is quite cool most of the time, when it came to academics, she was very straight edged. Not saying there's anything wrong, but again, all of this is for set up.

I know they always say to show not tell, but oh well.

So as for that other 'class', that is an independent study group. It was made up of two people who excelled at Japanese. My friends Eric and Chris. Both were extremely intelligent and skipped a few years of Japanese class they would have had to otherwise take, but since they were the only two to do so, they were put into a 'class' of their own. They spent most of their days reading from a text book, talking to each other in Japanese, or otherwise just dickin' around. And this is where we find the current story.

Take it back to when we are all taking that test and everything is silent. Everyone in deep concentration on the work they had in front of them. Until a sweet, female voice broke the silence.

"Masturbation"

Time stopped. Everything grew really thick. The pencils stopped scratching along the papers. The typing stopped on the keyboard. Everyone looked at one another; seeking confirmation in each other's eyes wondering if they had heard the same thing.

Everyone then looked in two directions though in what order they looked may have been different. They either looked up towards the front of the class to see how our Sensei was going to react or ended up looking towards the back of the class where the source of the sound came from.

Sensei slowly, ominously swiveled around with an expression that had a mixture of shock and anger. It was a look that combined two expressions we had seen countless times. Looking back, we all saw Eric sitting up completely straight, hand over his electronic dictionary, looking blankly ahead, The look on his face was an instant give away, we all knew that he did it. Also, the fact that Chris was just staring at him with a look of awe on his face kinda hinted it wasn't him.

Everyone tried so hard not to laugh. She wasn't concentrated on us, but when I looked at everyone else, I could tell they wanted to let out one huge gasp of laughter. Sensei stared him down, static electricity filling the air. He tried hard not to look back, but he didn't need to. We all knew.

"Eric. Out in the hallway. Now"

Eric's eyes went dead, and he acquired that one hundred yard stare death row inmates get when they realize they're about to meet their doom. As he stepped out into the hallway with his executioner, he took one deep breath and exited, never to be seen again....

Then we collectively as a class had a good laugh.

Cuddling

[This isn't a funny story, so if you're looking for comedy, look for a post that you may not have read.]

The other night, I was hanging out with this girl named Keni (her name is Mckenzie, but she hates all the girls she knows that go by that name, so she dubs herself Keni as to not be associated with them in any way). She's a really sweet girl that I've been smitten with for awhile. She's a really nice girl, likes anime and such like me. She loves to cook, similar to me. She...well, we have a lot in common. She's not a dumb girl by all means and she's very compassionate.

For those last two things are reasons why I thought she'd never like me. While I'm not saying I'm stupid and the girls I like are stupid, my sense of humor is very crass and quite crude (as evidenced by my posts) and being all I'm good for is laughs and I hold humor to be a very important thing in life and as such created my own character around this, I did not think she would like me, you know, 'like that'. The classic thing girls always say. Not only that, but as for the compassionate part, I am, how you say, a dick.

Putting spoiler tags in books at Borders.
Dick move.
Mocking typos and pointing out the stupid things that people say on facebook or other places online.
Dick move.
Rick Rollin' people.
Dick move.
Cutting people off in traffic without even using your blinker and then slowing down.
Dick move. But even I don't do that....the fuckers.

She is not in any way any of those things, she scolds me, albeit in a playful manner, when I do such things. Still, I don't know why, but I am smitten with her. At the same time, it's those things that made me feel that she's probably not my type either, so I rationalized it, and logged it away.

Oh, and at some point she also blatantly told me that she only sees me as 'just a friend', so there's that too.

So let's back up a bit to a few months ago. I read someone's blog on here who talked about a man named Vince DiCarlo. Supposedly this man was a practitioner and inventor of what he liked to call, "Natural Game". In essence, he was a pick up artist. A pickup artist is just a person who is able to attract and initiate contact with others that they are interested in starting a possible relationship with, or as many men I'm sure do, sleep with.

I've read up on a lot of that stuff, and although it isn't as dried out as cliche pick up lines, a lot of it seemed really...synthetic. So as I read this bloggers description of this guys stuff, much like you are now, it seemed interesting, so I decided I would...well, pick it up.

Now, the highs and lows of what 'Natural Game' is, is almost as it sounds. It's a style of thinking that dictates being open and natural. Not exactly wearing everything on your sleeve, but going out with an open attitude and positive mindset that emanates outward and just makes people, not even just those who you are trying to attract, be more at ease with you. It eventually just seeps over to all aspects of life. For the most part, it really teaches someone how to truly relax and become confident. I would definitely say if you're having trouble with women, or a woman, look up this guy. I've read a lot of his stuff, and I can definitely say that it's worth at least a look.

So how does this relate?

Well, I realized that because she was a girl I likened so much, I was putting her up on a pedestal. What I thought was being 'sweet' and 'thoughtful' was just me being...well, in a way needy. It came off as me liking her, she could smell it a mile away, and in essence, although I was 'always there' for her and such, I was pretty much just being one of her gal pals.

So lately, after reading all this stuff, I decided to approach it the way it said I should. As cliche as it was, I was pretty much just being myself. Once it got to a certain point, yeah, I flirted, but I remained who I was and that's what made the difference.

Keni eventually spent the night and slept in my bed. Before you start thinking, "yeah, he got some", I'll say right now, I didn't. But that's okay. Honestly, it is.

We shared the bed and watched some anime on Adult Swim, and relaxed. I don't know how it got there (it was about 3AM at this point), but my arm ended up underneath her. I usually sleep on my side, but in order to do that, I would have to cuddle with her, and at that point, I figured I was still in the friendzone and it would've been awkward for her.

That was until she snuggled up really close to me. I summoned up every bit of courage I had from King Midas, Poseidon, Jupiter, and Odin and put my arm around her. My stone heart beat against my chest out of nervousness, but she didn't shy away or anything. She just snuggled up closer. So I hugged her close to me and she fell asleep in my arms. It was....warm. And very satisfying.

I woke up and she soon woke up soon afterwards. I kissed her on the forehead and told her good morning and she smiled in that hazy kind of way people do when they wake up in a good mood. We just laid there, her in my arms, and we talked.

She said she didn't know what it was, but she has started seeing me in a new way. Although she hasn't decided if she wants to date, she said that it is something she'll definitely contemplate. Which for me is a big improvement from the pit of the friendzone which up until that point I thought was nay impossible to climb out of.

So as a last statement, this is for you, my....twenty or so followers. If any of you have been friendzoned in the past, I was most likely similar to you and very bitter about being in such a predicament. Don't despair. There is hope.

Best of luck to both of us ey?

Spoiler Alert

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Gift Basket

(Some credit goes to the comedian Gabriel Iglesias for the idea)

Last year, there was nothing but open houses. Pretty much every weekend was some kind of party, mostly in the days graduation party, at nights...well, graduation after party. It was free food every weekend, and my family could tell how popular I was just by the sheer mass of invites I received. They had no idea I had so many friends.

There were many games of volleyball played. I got really good at that game by the end of the summer. A crude bean bag toss game where there's a slanted board (probably about fourteen inches to sixteen inches long, eight to ten wide and tilted at about a twenty five degree angle) and the point is to throw a bean bag onto it and get it to stay or even better to go into a hole towards the top part of it. I got pretty decent at that game. Made so many buckets you might as well have called me Charlie! (Charlie Bucket, the kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...yeah, a very esoteric joke I suppose)

There were a couple parties that really stood out in my mind, but there was one thing that surpassed everything. That thing was the racist gift basket.

I have a black friend, he's my only black friend. Now, this isn't due to a racist or prejudice reason, I mean, hell, I am a person of tanliness, but around here, the general populace happens to be that of white like snow. Unless they tan a lot. Then in that case they're just cooked.

So just because I liked foolin' around with this guy, I decided to do a bit of shopping. I had an extra twenty dollars and I decided to make it stretch. I'm very glad everything was on sale. The list flowed as follows:

BBQ Potato Chips - 6 Pack
Funions - 2 Pack
Fried Chicken - Whole Chicken (never seen a whole fried chicken before this day)
Grape Kool-Aid - 6 Pack
Grape Soda - 12 Can Pack & 2 Liter
Watermelon Bubbleyum
The biggest watermelon I could find
Black Gentleman Quarterly - A magazine

The only thing that was missing was 40oz., but I'm not 21 so I couldn't buy it. That was all the money I had anyway and I decided it was adequate enough as was. I decided to wrap it up, everything but the watermelon, and put it in a gift bag.

I know that some of you live in other countries, but to sum up, here in America, these are the things that a stereotypical black man likes. I'm too poor to afford obnoxiously big rims/spinners for his car, can't buy fat white women, and he doesn't like hip-hop so I wasn't going to buy a CD he wasn't going to listen to, even as a joke, so that was what I was going to give him.

I finally arrived at his party, and I inconspicuously left it on the gift table; the bag in front of the watermelon. I quickly sauntered off and joined the rest of the party and started to have a fun time swimming and doing things, eating, hydrating myself, the norm. The moment soon approached when I was filling my plate with more food (I eat a lot, read back through this blog to anyone that's new and you'll see) I heard a roar of laughter. Believing I missed a joke or something, I shoved a piece of chicken in my mouth, threw some fruit on my plate and jettisoned out. I saw everyone around the table and my friend have this smile on his face. One of those smiles where he wants to laugh, but at the same time he doesn't.

I see he has just begun to go through the bag and is pulling out things one after the other. He pulls out everything, the chips, drinks, chicken, and after every time he appears speechless. Everyone snickers or laughs at what seems to be an endless bag of racist foods until he pulls out the magazine with a big black guy staring very threateningly at the camera in his picture and everyone loses it. I have the biggest smile when he looks over at me.

"I...was....", he sighs again, "Was this really all your doing? Did you buy all this?"

"Yeah, it ran me a good twenty bucks", I said after swallowing some grapes.

"A part of me doesn't want me to like this as much as I do...but I know, I know...that all of this is going to be gone by the end of the night", and he pulled me forward for a man hug.

Best 20 dollars I had ever spent.

Shortstack Destruction

My friend Scott and I were recently at a local eatery. It's a place called Royal Diner. Nice atmosphere, pretty good food at decent prices depending on what you're getting. It's usually one of the only places that is open 24/7 so when we're out at 3AM and we're hungry, we'll go to this place to get a bite to eat.

So this night, my friend Scott and I were really hungry, the whole point of going to a restaurant. We were both oddly feeling up for pancakes, so that's what we ordered. We were determined to destroy those short stacks. Force them down into our gullets and satisfy the craving for sweetened starches. There was something that made this particular trip amazing.

There was two girls sitting in a booth adjacent to ours. One of the girls was the talker, evidenced by her excessive spouting of crap that dribbled down her mouth. Not saying I'm not any better with these walls of texts, but there is a difference between this woman and me. The other one was the listener. Now, I'm not sure if she was actually processing everything that the other girl was saying or just in her own little world, but not matter what the Talker said, she would always just nod, or agree, though sometimes quite enthusiastically.

So this girl had one of those air headed, know nothing voices. You know the one. I usually just drown those out, but I heard one sentence that caught my ear.

"Yeah, so, like, I don't know why people never trust me with relationship or fucking advice", fucking used here as sexual intercourse

"I mean, I'm like walking herpies, I know about all this shit"

"Yeah, I know girl, I totally agree."

At this point, I stopped mid bite and my ears perked up. It was so sudden that Scott even noticed. He asked what was up and I motioned for him to listen to the conversation behind him unfold.

"Yeah, I wish people would listen to me. I got these flare ups fuckin' around. I know what the hell I'm doing. Like Lisa, she, like, never, ever listen to me."


Well maybe that's because you just referenced yourself as walking herpies. Maybe this is just me, but I probably wouldn't trust anyone who dubs themselves as that. Maybe I'm crazy though. Either that or this is some crazy new age vernacular that I haven't caught onto yet.

I laughed for a bit so I missed on what transitioned into what I heard next, but the next topic was about people she hates.

"-cking bitch Trish. God, she's with that dick head Al. I hope she gets crabs and dies."
I really hope she was talking about the actual crabs and this girl is allergic to shellfish because there was something terribly wrong with that sentence.

"For real girl. You, like, speak the truth. This is why I hang out with you and not those fake bitches Chelse and -"

"Wait, I just got a new update on my facebook. Oh my god, Tyler has been trying to hit on me and get into my pants."


"Oh. My. God. No. Way."

"Yeah. I think I might let him have a bit of nookie ya know? He'll be getting a big surprise in the morning", I snorted into my food and I tried to stifle my laughter. Then I felt bad for this poor bastard he's going to get from the herpies tank.

"Yeah, cause I ain't bringing condoms. That's up to the guy, girls should never be responsible for that. He wants to contend this, he better be packing some heat. I ain't gonna be labeled a slut."

Yes. Because being called a slut is a whole lot worse than being labeled as walking herpies. With how hard I was laughing, it was like I couldn't even taste the short stacks anymore. The stupidity of the conversation overshadowed any taste the pancakes could've made.

I left a large tip just because the waitress sat us next to those girls. It was definitely a good night.

[Joke of the night: Magic Apples]


A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

Recently, I have been out and about lately. Got a job, working out, partying. It's been a busy couple of weeks, especially the job searching. While I have felt bad about neglecting my blog, while I was out, I have been able to do somethings that are worth noting here. I got some new stories to tell.

So I was at an open house and I ended up seeing a girl who I haven't seen awhile. She's cute, at least in my opinion. I've known her for a long time, about six years, but we haven't really ever hung out together. She lives way on the other side of town and out of reach from me on a bike.

We talk every now and then through texts and facebook, but never anything beyond that. She's a sweet girl, strange, and has an amazing sense of dark humor which are traits I find quite intriguing. A very different way of thinking that girl, very eclectic, which I have in common. I love talking to people with strange minds and odd ways of thinking; makes for much better conversation, and is much more endearing in my opinion.

So considering I actually got to meet her in person, it was nice being able to actually flirt and be able to touch her in person. In my opinion, it's a lost easier and more effective to do it in person. As the night goes on, she starts saying....something. It sounds very seductive, I can tell that much from her inflection, but I can't understand what it is she's saying because it's in German. By the way, I don't speak German.

However, pretty much everyone else spoke German. So they all knew exactly what she was saying. They were fluent. They just didn't feel like telling me about this until after she left. They started to make fun of me for it, but it's not like I could know.

Then came the second party.

After another day of turning in job applications I decided I would hang out with my friend Chris. It had been awhile since I had done so. I went over, only to find that I went at the exact same time as a party was happening. His brother was back in town and so decided to throw a party. My timing was great.

As I started to chill out and start a fire with everyone, guess who I saw walk into the party. If you thought Betty White, you're crazy and are terribly wrong. If you thought the German speaking girl, you are quite correct. Alternatively, if you said a creepy girl who likes to lick people's faces, rub her face on other people's faces while purring like a cat and bites people, as well as some other.... unsettling traits, then you are oddly specific but also correct.

So, this time around, my game was off. It is very, very hard to hit and flirt with a girl when another girl is hanging all over you. I gotta say, when I get cock blocked by a guy, it's very easy to get around. I don't make a big scene or anything, don't get all weepy and dejected, I just continue to be confident and be me. Usually my natural charisma will charm anyone be it guy or girl, although girls will be actually attracted and guys will find me as a cool guy.

Getting cock blocked by a girl though...That is something I'm not prepared for. I do not know how to handle trying to flirt with one girl when there's another girl hanging all over me...licking my face....biting and gnawing into my shoulder...running her hand up my thigh....

Most of my friends when I told this story asked why I didn't just try and get with this girl. Well, I don't really like her personality so much, not much at all. That, and I just don't find her very attractive. A couple of my friends have said, "Well, if it was an attractive girl you wouldn't mind", which also isn't very true. I don't like anyone touching my face. So a girl I don't like all that much licking my face just freaks me right the fuck out. And again, makes it very hard to flirt with another girl. All in all, it wasn't a very fruitful night.

Then came the girl I was texting, a completely different girl. It's a girl I haven't hung out in awhile, so being I now have a car, I was going to ask if she wanted to hang out. Here's how the conversation generally played out.

[Me]: Hey, how's it going?

{Her}: Pretty good. I miss you :) How are you doing?

[Me]: Haha, I miss you too. I'm doing well. You wanna hang out?

{Her}: I can't, I'm going to go out to eat with my family and then we're going to see Harry Potter

[Me]: Aw, I'd love to go out to eat and see Harry Potter. I'm jelly! That sounds great.

[Me]: You think you can hang out after?

{Her}: No, I can't. We're going to be getting home kinda late and we have to wake up at 5am to go to a birthday party for my cousin.

[Me]: Oh, I LOVE waking up ridiculously early to go to birthday parties!

[Me]: Okay, so I'm a liar lol

Now, watch this huge leap of logic here. See if you can keep up.

{Her}: Are you trying to say you wanna be with me?

See what I mean? I had no idea where the hell she got this idea, but apparently, she got that in her mind and it was mind boggling. So, I decided to try and defuse the situation. I wasn't sure if she meant be with her and hang out, or be with her as in be her boyfriend.

[Me]: Well, I wanna hang out with you...but I don't wanna be WITH you.

{Her}: Well fine, I'd hate to be in a relationship with you too.

At this point, I could tell I was not going to make any head room. She was quite a stubborn girl sometimes and now that she had this stuck in her mind, there was no way this was going to end well. I didn't want to ask what brought this one, or how she got this in her mind so I just tried to just let this one go.

[Me]: Okay.

Simple, easy. Just kinda shrugging it off. Not the dick, douche baggy, "k". I wasn't going to give her anything to work with at this point. I find that when it comes to anger, someone can only continue to be angry at someone who gives them fuel with emotion. If you just shrug it off, it'd be like trying to push yourself off of a curtain. Useless.

{Her}: I'm very angry at you.

[Me]:  Okay. I just hope that your anger at me doesn't stop you from enjoying Harry Potter.

It was very hard for me to not be sarcastic at that point and say something like, "Well, I hope your 'righteous' fury doesn't prevent you from enjoying being immersed in the magical world of Harry Potter. It would be such a pity if you were so blindly furious at me that you couldn't enjoy the thrilling conclusion of the series. You might actually have to spend more money to see it again! Or even worse, read the book! Gasp!". I figured that'd be bad though.

{Her}: Fuck you and all the guys like you.

I was confused about what the hell that  was supposed to mean, but I decided enough was enough and just didn't respond.

Well, here's one for returning. I shall be diligent in following you all and supporting you once more.

Oh, and in case none of that was funny, I'll depart with a joke that I heard.

When I was a kid, my grammar was so bad that I got trapped at the bottom of a good.

Epiphiny

The title may be spelled wrong, but I have had one nonetheless and I feel like I should write it down. This'll probably be a boring post, and I am by all means not trying to change anyone or anybodies way of thinking or challenging anyone's opinion, but I just want to write this down for my own personal reasons. Besides, I haven't written anything here in awhile, I have to keep it active somehow right?

This past year has definitely been quite a year. I definitely changed in many ways and learned some new things about myself that I feel fortunate to have been able to discover. Some of them are very large, some of them small. Some very important, others almost petty. Some of them very positive, others completely destructive. You get the picture. Thinking about everything I'm about to write makes me think that maybe this is something more for when the year actually changes, but I'm a seasonal type of guy. I hate the winter and thrive during the summer. That's when my year starts, when the weather starts to get nice, and like a bear, my year starts to draw to a close for the cold months.

So some things I learned during this year. I learned that with discipline, I can actually lose weight. Without it, I will put the weight back on. I learned that although I may not like it, cars are crucial in the time we live in. Of course that varies from area to area, but that's true for here at least. I can look good with really long hair as long as I actually do something to it rather than just let it sit and make me look like an Asian woman. Swimming is amazing. I'm not meant to stay in my family. I need to leave this place. I need to make money to get out of this rat race of a life. I got a lot of inner demons, but I need to let go of those. I need to make more effort.

Most of all, I have changed too much.

In a very, very early post, although it may actually be in a completely different blog, I talked about how I needed to change. I talked about how I needed to change myself. I was sick of being alone and felt so lonely, and hell, I still do. I felt that I needed to become a different person because the few past relationships I had didn't work out. I felt like I needed a new wardrobe, a new style, almost a new being.

I started hanging out with different people, I got a few new threads that I could barely afford. I started working out. I started reading more. I started reading how other people did things and started to emulate it. They said to be 'more mysterious and more appealing, do this', so I would try and do that. They said to do this or to do that. Do one thing or another and things will start going smoother. I didn't have many opportunities to go out, but when I did, I tried those things, and when I did, they felt weird. I chalked it up to me not doing it before and having some of that nervousness from doing something new.

Some of these things were for the better. I made a lot more friends and vastly expanded my already large social circle. One can never have too many friends I say. I have gotten quite a few compliments on my sense of style. It's a style that I like and glad I have adopted. It doesn't have any kind of name to it, it's not like I became a hipster kid or a douche. I just wear clothes that match, catch they eye, but aren't too flashy. Some clothes that I can jump around in and hang out in, but if I needed to go somewhere at a moments notice and look presentable, I'm still in the proper attire. I found a nice balance.

As something that I have talked about quite a lot is my weight loss and healthiness. I can jump higher, I can swim about four, consistent laps of about 50m (so overall 200m or maybe about 600 Ft.) before having to stop to catch my breath. On my best days I can bike a 3 minute mile on a full out sprint, but I can average out at about a 5-6 minute mile just cruising. I can hold a note for 20 seconds no problem. Do pushups and situps easy without so much weight dragging me down. Taking initiative in life and tapping into my prime human condition.

Though, I also changed who I was at the base. I started taking other people's advice and did what they did. I mean, I was still a fun loving, funny guy, but there was something that was off. I ended up alienating quite a few girls I wanted to date taking their advice because I was no longer 'me'. I acted a certain way in front of certain friends and it'd drain me restricting myself or pushing myself into doing something I wasn't. Sounds kind of cliche, but it's because of my disbelief of me being a part of cliches that led me into doing that. In essence, I became a bit more alone from quite a few people and that loneliness grew a bit and I had no idea why. I just marked it up to me not doing things right and tried harder only to ultimately fail and feel even worse. The thing is, I didn't even realize it for a time period that was way too long I think. I didn't notice it until just before typing all of this.

First, let me explain something else first, should anyone still be reading this. When I started this blog, I followed someone who I think got their blog shut down, but I read a post talking about how he had a lot better success with women and in life in general and so did his friend and that he was just posting it for someone to view if they had the desire to.

At that point in time, I was thinking it'd be nice to have a girlfriend, so I decided to view it. It was the Vince DiCarlo Pandora's Box method, and even though it sounded kind of sleazy, I decided to get some of the things it offered, but I never really paid attention to it. There was a lot, and I was impatient, and I decided to just keep putting it off and keep putting it off, never really reading or watching any of it.

Fast forward to recently, I got bored and I felt like I had been behind on my reading. I haven't had the money to go out and buy books, but I got an eBook reader on my 3ds, so I decided to open that up and look through some of the titles I never got around to reading. I thought I might read some James Patterson or even World War Z, but I saw a bunch of titles that didn't make any sense to me. They all said 'in#'. There were a couple with the number 0, a few 1's, 2's, etc., and the author was unknown. I decided to click it, it must've been something I was interested in cause I put it on there, and lo and behold, it was the Pandora's Box eBooks.

Again, thinking it was kind of sleazy, I almost didn't read it, but I had the pages already open, and so I decided to at least give it a chance and read a few pages. Then a few more, and a few more after that. I soon found myself completely enthralled with the book and in one night, I reached page 200 or so. Everything in it made sense. I mean, I read a lot of other advice and while some of it would make some kind of sense, it seemed like a bit of a stretch or really circumstantial. This on the other hand was almost like a godsend into my life. Hell, that might've been an exaggeration, but it is certainly...inspiring to say the least.

It also helped me realize what I've been doing this whole time, and that's be someone who I'm not. As I flipped through each page and absorbed every word, things started to make sense to me. It explained why earlier on in my adolescence I was terrible with girls and people in general and why I got really fortunate with girls I didn't like in my older teenage years, but was terrible with the girls I liked save for a couple. Long story short, I wasn't being natural. I wasn't being (please excuse the cliche), myself. Or at least, true to myself. Sure, I wasn't pretending to be someone else, but at the same time, I was almost filtering who I was as a person.

As a kid, I hated myself, so I tried to hide in denial everything I felt bad about myself with, and pushed forward a positive persona, but it was almost crazy, chaotic. I'm still a bit crazed, but it's purposeful, like a controlled demolition. A lot of girls liked me because I was honest and true with them. No bullshit, nothing. I was a bit flirty, sure, that may have been a dick move to do that, but I was someone who was confident and knew what the hell they were doing, or at least made it seem that way. I controlled shit and didn't let anything phase me. I had a positive energy and while I may not be the smartest or strongest, I was the most charismatic.

Except to the girls I liked.

I always had this preconceived notion of how girls wanted to be treated because of TV, movies, books, stupid stuff like that. I figured if I was nice enough and did things for them, they might start to take an interest. But that's the same thing that their parents and family does for them. Hell, that's what their friends do for them. So I thought maybe if I go out of my way to do things for them, they'd like me then. But all that did was just make me a very extravagant best friend.

I tried showing that 'sensitive' side. All that did was get me laughed at. So that ultimately failed. I tried texting, calling, IM'ing and having conversations on that, but all that just made me seem boring. Did the shit they wanted, went to the mall, hung out at their house, but in the end, it was all just shit they wanted to do, things that I could easily have been replaced with some other girl or guy, but that's not what I wanted to be.

Now here comes where everything relates to the title. I don't know why it took me this long in my 19 year life, but all I needed to do was be natural. I didn't have to take anybodies advice. I didn't have to do that shit people told me to do. I didn't have to do what TV shows said and be all 'sensitive' or even be a dick to get those other kinds of girls. I just had to, again, excuse the cliche, be my-fucking-self.

From now on, as I write this I am going to dedicate myself to something new. I'm going to keep on doing everything else I've been doing up until now, trying to get a job, get the hell out of here, make some money, exercising and losing weight. All that was been positive, I'm going to keep that in life. I am however going to change one thing. I am going to revert to who I was, and just stay natural. I have a ton of friends and had a ton of admirers who did just that because I was me. I was the most fucking interesting person they knew because even though I was passionate about things, I didn't give a shit about social norms and established my own. I took a strong step forward and made sure everything else followed. It's time to get back to basics.


Tl;dr   I need to start being natural.

P.S. I know my posts are having very large lengths between them and I haven't been supporting you like I should. I'm trying very fervently to try and get a job. Just so that I have a reason to log onto the computer, I may log onto blogspot and start using this blog as a journalistic blog for a bit. If you read through all of this, I applaud your valiant effort, thank you.

Delay

Sorry for the lack of posts lately everyone. I've been quite busy here in life lately Losing more weight, going out with friends, working my ASS off to get a job, went to a concert, just been keeping myself busy. I'll just throw a quick summation of events of what's been happening.

Well, I've had the entire house by myself for the past week. Nothing but peace and quiet. I've been able to sleep in peace, not have to deal with the bullshit from my family (except when they call with it), eat properly...the only thing I haven't been doing is getting enough sleep.

To start things off, I finally found a copy of a game called Jet Set Radio Future. This is the first game that came out with the original xBox, and it is definitely one of the most fun games I've ever played. It's a game where an oppressive regime has taken over futuristic Tokyo and so a group of inline skating gangs go around and graffiti various areas of the town. The art style is very unique compared to most other games, the playing style is very original, and the sound track is phenomenal. Here's one of the songs from the game, my favorite.



I never got to beat it when I first had it because my mom sold the xBox to someone very soon after we bought it ourselves. I looked around enough places though and finally found it. I've been playing it a lot and I can definitely say that this game is almost like boobs. Except better.

I've applied to a bunch of jobs like Best Buy, Hungry Howies, a local Hardware Store, Costco, and a few other places, but no fast food restaurants. I refuse to work at a place like that. Hell, I hate the food they serve there, much less cook it up. I'm really hoping for the job at Hungry Howies since they pay 10 an hour at start or Best Buy because I know about all those things very well.

I went to a local concert for a few punk rock bands including my friends' band and almost got my ears blown off. It was fun though. Most of the audiences were douche bags though. At the beginning it started off with a large crowd, but with every band that played, more and more people left since the band they came to support left until by the time it got to the last band, it was my friend and two other people. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it seemed rather rude. Oh, and that girl I talked about a couple posts back? She came with us and I had a great time with her. I'm hoping things go well with her, but I won't get my hopes up.

Went to a BBQ, it was alright. I wish I could've been doing something else though. It was kind of bland as far as things go. However, I made burgers that everyone loved on the grill, and I hadn't been out grilling in a really long time. Threw some egg, bread crumbs, salt, pepper, garlic powder and mixed it all in the burger meat, cooked it up and melted the cheese onto the burgers... I had Pepper Jack, Swiss, and American cheese all melted on mine. I was a little disappointed in myself though, I cooked them medium well and I know most people like burgers medium rare. That's a moot point though.

Last but not least, I went out to a Smash Mouth concert. Now, most people know that band as 'those guys who played that one song at the beginning of the first Shrek'. I've listened to some of their other songs when I found out that I had their first CD, and I have to say it was great. They were very charismatic and had great crowd participation. The guy has a voice that stays true to the CD's they put out and he just seems like a cool guy. I screamed my heart out and jumped higher than anyone else there. A couple of people came up to me afterwards and told me how entertaining it was to see me jump so much and scream. If I could sing better or play an instrument, I would definitely join a band.

This was my favorite song from the night.



So, that was most of my week in a nutshell. I'm out trying to gather humorous stories so I can tell you all of it, I should have a couple more after the 4th of July (I live in America, it's a big deal that day haha). For those of you who live here in America, I hope your holiday is amazing. If not, well, I hope you you have a great time in your endeavors.

Party

This is a story that happened to me last summer, it was definitely a more awkward time of life, but that's besides the point. I just really hope I never repeat this same mistake again cause I could be in a lot of trouble if I do.

So last summer, I hung out with a lot of friends, graduation parties, hang outs, stuff like that. A long time friend of mine invited me to a party over in another town. I guess it's where he used to live and it's a place where he keeps in contact with a lot of old friends and every now and again he'll go out and have fun with them. I wasn't doing anything that night so he invited me along. I like social interaction, so I decided to go out with him.

It's about an hour away and we're just talking in the car and stuff but we get there alright. I guess I'm the new guy to the party and everyone else knows each other. I introduce myself around, get acquainted, talk to some people, loosen up.

Time passes by and we get some pizza and some soda pop, eat, drink, be merry. Some people play music, we listen, nothing too out of the ordinary really. Now, I'm not a player by all means, and I'm not trying to make myself sound like one, but being a single guy, whenever I go out and meet new people, I see if there are any cute girlies around. There were indeed a handful. Then it's just being able to get down on whether they're single or not.

At this party, it was quite convenient to tell who was single and who wasn't. The girls who had boyfriends were usually with them the entire night, holding hands or straddling them at some point in the night and making out with said boyfriend. The single girls were highly flirtatious and wore revealing clothing for the most part. It's a pretty wide open filter.

As the night goes on, one of the single girls starts flirting with me and I start flirting back. Long story short, she eventually starts to come onto me and we start making out. Feels good man. At the time. Hung out with her for most of the night after that, talked and stuff until I had to leave. Without exchanging phone numbers. Feels bad man. Until some new information was brought to light.

When my friend and I were on our way home, he was silent. Not like one of those, "I'm tired" silences, but he just had this scowl on his face like he wanted to tell me off. I didn't want to push it or anything, so I just waited for him to say something and listen to some music on my Mp3 player. After about a half hour he finally spoke.

"You realize you're not going to that party ever again right?", he's mad brah.

"Why? You just jelly that you didn't get any from a cute girly?", I decided to poke at him a bit. I figured that maybe that was a girl he liked or something.

"No. It's cause that girl was 14 you sick fuck!"

"...Wait? What?""

"Yeah, she was 14 you pedophile!", I can see why he was upset, I was pretty disgusted with myself at that moment.

"What the hell!? She didn't tell me! And what the fuck man!? You didn't tell me! You couldn't have just tapped me on the shoulder and been like, 'hey dude, she's 14'".

"..."

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to that party again after that. Fucking jail bait. For the record, I was 18 at the time, so it wasn't as bad as it could've been, but it was still awkward as fuck. It was at that moment I was very glad that I didn't get her phone number and I didn't give her mine. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Always ask for an ID.

My Day

This is just a post about the eventful day I had. I went out with this one girl I'm interested in to this place called Dixieland. It's a Flea Market, Swap Meet, or if you know what neither of those things are, just a bazaar or a huge garage sale. It's open on the weekends and she really likes that place, I like that place, so we decided to go.

I love the place cause anything I want, I can usually find their on the cheap. Someone was selling a Windows 7 installation CD for twenty bucks, a GREAT deal. I didn't buy it since I already run Windows 7, but that was just to put things in perspective. Or, for those of you who really liked Pok'e'mon cards back in the day, I bought my copy of the first edition original Charizard for ten dollars there when it was topping out at a couple hundred dollars. Yeah.

This girl likes it because of all the artsy things. The artsy things and the interesting things. She enjoys being able to look at all the handmade pieces and the antiques. All of the unusual and odd things that people are selling. It was quite fun to walk with her to places. People thought we were going out, I just hope I can make that happen.

While I was there, I saw a guy whom I recognized. It looked like my sister's boyfriend who last I knew, worked at a Pepsi place, so it was odd to see him there. I heard my sister got really sick (my older sister) so I asked him how she was. He replied that she was doing good. I asked him how long he's been working there and he said a year, and then I asked about the Pepsi job and he said he left it. We talked for a couple moments more, then I left.

Then something hit me. That wasn't my sister's boyfriend. That was another guy I knew from a couple years back. Then I realized he just told me that my sister was doing good and talked about the job with Pepsi that he left. Which makes me wonder what the hell he was talking about. Then again, he probably wondered what the hell I was talking about and just went with it.

So what did I get while I was there? I bought some steampunk goggles, a nice ring, Weezer's Blue album, a pair of jeans, and ear plugs. I spent 3.50$ while I was there. Felt great.

Afterwards, me and the girly went to the park. We both realized neither of us had eaten anything that day, and we saw a very large grouping of people. There was a cookout, lots of food being cooked, served and eaten. So I took her to stand in line. She was nervous as fuck, but I got her to calm down and stand in line with me. We talked and just pretended to belong. It's astonishing how people will assume you will belong if you do. By the end of it, I ate four hot dogs, a lot of salad, a slice of watermelon, and some cornbread and a little bit of brownie. She got some Mexican Cornbread, two hot dogs, some salad, a cookie, and two brownies. We ate like champions on our free meals.

She couldn't believe that we had just done that. She was so surprised that we just got away with it. I knew we'd get it done without anyone caring, and it went without a hitch. Maybe we'll do it again sometime and just get free meals all the time that way haha.

So that was my day today, anyone do anything interesting?

Can-Can LoZ:OoT

This video was just too good to not share with you guys here. I know a lot of you are gamers like me, and being I bought the new reboot of Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time, this just seems to be in the spirit of things. I hope you enjoy~!

Stupid

So today I went to an open house where a local band was playing. They play punk rock, and it's a local band that I enjoy, even if I don't enjoy punk rock all that much. Sure, I enjoy Green Day (who I thought was Alternative rock for awhile) and Sum 41, I think they're pretty good. The band is called Powerout, and I enjoy them quite a lot. If I can find a way to post their music, maybe I'll do it.

Anyway, while I was listening to them, something that is often done at any kind of rock music is the art of head banging. For those who may not know what this is (I hope there is not one of you out there who doesn't know what that is), this is when the power of rock is so powerful, when the notes fly out and hit you in the face, your head flies back.

However, letting your body and mind just succumb to the powers that be is something that is contradictory to the message of rock. So, even if you don't consciously mean to, your body will go, "Don't you dare let this control you. Fight back". Then your head follows through and fights back. Your neck flies forward and smacks rock in the face giving it a big middle finger. Then just as the salmon swims down the streams at birth and up the waterfalls to breed and lay eggs every year and just as Apple comes out with a new i_____ that's just a smaller version of whatever they made five months ago with a larger memory and possibly a camera, the process repeats.

Why bring this up? Why is this titled the way it is? Well I'll tell you. I have long, thick, black Asian hair. It's coarse and straight. The way it grows, if nothing is done to it, makes me look like an Asian woman. Being I am a male, I do not enjoy looking like an Asian woman, so I'll put a little bit of gel in it and it makes it spiky so my hair looks like a cliche anime character. Most people compliment me on my hair more when it looks like an anime character's hair.

So you know when you look at such a characters hair and you might sometimes find yourself thinking, "Wow, how ridiculously spiky. They could kill someone with it". Well today, while I was headbanging, my hair repeatedly flew forward and proceeded to stab its own master, aka me, in the eyes. I never thought I'd see the day where my own hair was able to stab my own eyes. It was...well, as the title says, stupid.

Finally

So I finally have a car. It's mine, in my name, registered, the only thing that I don't think is under my name is the insurance, however, I still have to pay for it regardless. So anything I make off of this account, instead of paying for something that I actually want like new clothes, it'll go right to insurance cause when I get a job, all of that is being saved for when I finally escape this place.

Now, as a fore warning, everything in this post is going to be very rant oriented and not humorous at all, if that's what you're looking for, you may want to click somewhere else. I just want to rant out and plan out things and if you've ever wondered what I might be like, well this is a little step in that direction.

So, for the past year or so, I've realized that I am completely different from my entire family. Not in an angsty teenage, "nobody understands me" kind of way, or hell, maybe it is, but I don't really share that much in common with my family, I'm just out there.

My family is very high strung and very emotional. They think with their hearts, which in many respects is a good thing, and is something that I sometimes envy. However, most of the time, they're thinking with anger and short fuses. They're all easily frustrated and quick to snap about things. They're perfectionists and demand everything in their lives be right. Everything has to be set the way they want it or they almost explode. You have to play by their rules or you're rejected.

I on the other hand am a very laid back person. I'm calmed, relaxed, even when I'm angry I'm still able to keep my cool. I think with quick logic, and although as evidenced from my earlier stories I may be a smart ass, it's never antagonistic.

My family is a very bitter family. Very cold. They scrutinize quite heavily. They find fault with my sister's grandma and her dad (my half sister, so her grandma, though I still consider her my own and my sister's dad, my stepdad) in many ways. Saying that the grand mother is very passive aggressive and snarky when they in fact are just the same way. They're very jaded people. Whenever they talk to her dad, it always escalates into some huge fight. Some fight that they always try to drag me into. But it always just seems like such a hassle so I ignore it, which bugs them to no end that I won't 'defend' them. Then whenever I talk to her dad, my step dad, they always assume that like them, I'm going to be super mad at him for something he said, when in reality, we just talk. We just have a nice friend chat like I would any other friend.

My family is very superficial. Going to absurd lengths to make sure they look good no matter where they go. Everything they have must be in style or in fashion. They must have the latest phones even when we might not have the money for it or have a need for it,  watch the latest shows that everyone else seems to be watching. All of the things in the house must look nice, not just clean, but nice, stylish.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a slob. I think things need to be clean too, but function comes above everything else. My mom likes to throw things away or get rid of them when they fall out of order with things. She wanted to get rid of the couch we have because it didn't look nice anymore and spend an extra 300 dollars getting a new one when we didn't have the money to get it. The couch is soft, you can sleep and sit on it, it did everything a couch is supposed to do. I had to adamantly argue with her to get her to back down.

The thing that stands out the most to me however is something that really shook me. Her and my sister were talking one day, and I was in the same room listening in. They were talking about somebody new that my sister had met somewhere, my older sister. They talked about how annoying of a person he was. She described him and my mom laughed saying how she hated people like that. She couldn't stand them. Why does this matter? Well, the person my sister described was someone who sounded a lot like me. I even asked about it.

I chimed in with how I'm just like that person they described and they just said, "No you're not." When I pushed on and asked how I was different, their answer was that "I just was". I kept on saying that they just described me, but they didn't want to admit to it. In the end, they got frustrated and told me to shut up, but it made me realize that they only 'love' me out of obligation. If they were to ever meet me as a stranger, they'd hate me. They only accept me because I am their family.

My family doesn't know me at all. They don't know anything major in my life that is. Sure, they could tell me what my favorite foods are and when my birthday is, but if I ever asked them anything major about myself, they wouldn't know the first thing about who I am. I on the other hand, could tell them everything about themselves. They tell me everything because they know I won't say anything and they might need advice, but in the end, I'm just a counselor to them.

I'm nothing but an investment to them. I'm a slave to their own desires. I'm the one who watches my little brother, granted, it should be some sort of an obligation to watch him since he is kin. I'm the one who must always keep the house clean and in order. I have to keep my little sister in line (though that doesn't work since she's still a little hoe that gets in trouble constantly over stupid things). I have to go to college so that I can one day get a good job and get paid well so I can support the rest of the family. That is something that's been hammered into my head since my family found out I was 'smart'. I was going to have to go to college so I could make enough money to help take care of everyone. I was going to have to get married and have kids so that I could pass on the family name and so my parents could be grandparents. Then soon after, probably die 'happy'. The American Dream right?

My plans are different though, maybe a bit naive, but they're different. I don't want to go to college like everyone says. I want to go out and do stand up comedy. That is my dream. I want to go out and labor and make money and travel. I don't want to stay out in the same place. I don't want to have kids. Now that I have this car, I'm going to work my ass off and save up money. Then I'm going to disappear. I'm not going to tell anyone, I'm just going to leave this jaded town and all it's people and leave my family. Let them disown me, I don't care. I was never able to rely on them for much more than a roof, food, water, and a little bit of clothes. For a good portion of my life, all of those things weren't even guaranteed.

I will be free. I swear on my life.

Update

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Bachelor/Bachelorette Party

As I said a couple posts back, I was going to tell you of my uncle's and my aunt's bachelor parties. I got to see them last year. It was the first time in many years before I got to see them. They live over in Hawaii (along with everyone else in my family) whereas  I live in Michigan. It's really expensive to go and see family and we're not the most wealthy people on the block so we don't get to go back. Luckily enough, they saved up enough money to come over here to watch me graduate.

So while they were over here, we spent a lot of time together, and told stories about our lives. The story that stood out the most to me though were their stories about their bachelor and bachelorette parties.

My uncle told me about his first. He said that his was a huge party with friends. He talked about how they ate a couple hundred burgers and hot dogs throughout the whole day, went down to the beach, surfed and swam (I mean, it's Hawaii after all), fucked around, and drank a lot. One of the most pertinent things he talked about was just the sheer volume of drink they had.

Apparently nobody fell asleep willingly. Everyone passed out. There were three people crammed into a tiny bathroom, people on the floor, people in the kitchen, but everyone for the most part was inside. The other odd thing was that even though there were THREE beds, not one of them was used. Nobody thought to use any of the beds.

Everyone had fun but when they woke up...there was something wrong. Nothing was broken so it wasn't something expensive. Everyone was alive and breathing and nobody appeared hurt, so it wasn't a medical thing. Then they decided to do a head count and one of their friends was missing. It was a real life version of the Hangover.

They're in a forested area, but it's also suburban so they were worried a number of things could've happened. They were worried he could've gotten lost in the woods, fell down and hit his head. He could've broke into a house thinking it was his. They were freaking out.

The looked around everywhere. They all spread out before even eating breakfast. Dispersing through the woods, they cruised around the neighborhood, asked neighbors. Nobody had seen him. They checked outward going farther and farther until they had to give up.

They got home and they were going to call the police when they got home. Then they noticed something that they didn't notice before. There was a big blue tarp in the backyard. One of them tripped over it and a voice came out from it. They kicked it and the guys voice came out wondering what the hell was going on.

It appeared that just like in The Hangover, the guy was closer to home than they though. Apparently, he felt that the tarp was a really warm, dry, place to sleep and so rolled up inside of it like a sleeping bag. Everyone was pissed at him, but relieved.

Then there was my aunt's bachelorette party. She seemed a bit hesitant to tell everything what happened, but she did tell me about one thing. The penis cake. Do you see how this ties into the story from the other day? I told that girl about it, she had a hankering for penis cake. Or maybe penis. Or maybe just cake. Who knows.

Anyway, apparently this cake was a work of perverse art. It wasn't just a regular sized cake, it was a sheet cake bigger than any phallus could ever be. The head of the dick was made out of Rice Krispy to give it a nice crunch. There was LOTS of frosting on the inside, especially in the middle. Seemed appropriate. The veins were constructed using twizzlers. The taint was created by dyeing very thin pasta black and put by the base.

She described the cake as being truly befitting of the phrase 'one eyed monster'. She added only one woman was brave enough to take a slice. I was appalled that they would've let that much cake be wasted. If nobody else was going to eat it, I would've definitely taken a piece, regardless of it's genitalia related features*. Maybe that's just me though. What about you all? Would you have taken a piece regardless?


*No Homo.

1000+ Views

I actually bothered to check my pageviews and such, and apparently I have had over one thousand views (a good milestone) since last month and didn't even know it. Thank you all to keeping up with this and reading and supporting me. It's been nice being able to write with at least somewhat of a purpose. I've been using this to write down material for stand up comedy, and everybody knows that if you can get the approval of strangers on the internet, that means you will succeed in life.

Thanks again~! Here's looking forward to another 1000!

Stabbing

This might seem a bit dark, but I figured all kinds of humor are appreciated, especially as I watched Norm McDonald's standup last night. He talked about death for a half hour and had me cracking up the whole time, so I figured I'd talk about this.

About two years ago, here in Michigan, there was this woman who, for whatever reason, snapped. She just snapped and lost it and stabbed her baby. She stabbed her baby twelve times. Now, I know this might seem a bit unusual to talk about, especially on a blog that is usually about humorous stories. For the record, I do not condone or promote baby stabbing. If an ad pops up that says, "Do you want to stab a baby? Click here!" I did not condone that at all, it's all randomized.

Anyway, this woman attempted to kill her baby by stabbing it twelve times. If you did not find what was wrong in that sentence, let me retype it and make it more obvious. This woman ATTEMPTED to kill her baby by stabbing it TWELVE times. Now, again, while I do not enjoy the fact a baby was stabbed at all, the fact that this woman was a failure at killing a defenseless infant...is rather sad. Most people focused on the sadness of it; my mind went, "Wow, what a loser. She sucks at killing things".

Some people might think at this point, "well, the baby has got to be crippled or something. There's no way it'll live a normal life now." Well, except for the trauma of being stabbed by your own mother and the scars, she was due to make a FULL recovery. Which really rings the question, did this baby have eighty guardian angels or is this woman that stupid?

And I know, I know, when she gets into jail, someone at some point is going to ask, "hey, what're you in for?"

"...Attempted murder."

In which case the inmate might think, 'oh shit, this bitch be hardcore yo', but then most likely follow it up with, "who'd you try to kill? Ex-husband that was cheating on you?"

"Nah, my baby. Stabbed the thing twelve times. Thought that would've worked" and you know if that ever comes to light, she's on the bottom of the pecking order. Just for harming a childhood and doing something so terrible, and failing to get the job done, she's bottom bitch.

I know this was quite a dark post, but I decided to throw that down anyway. At least it's not the usual wall of text!

In some lighthearted news, I'm finally going to get a car in a bit, going to come into a bit of a winfall of cash, and I'm going out on a date with this girl I've liked for a bit. Looks like things are going well...for now.

Sex Shop

Here's a story that just happened today! Fresh! New! Hip! Trendy! ETC! Anyway, this just happened today, so it's fresh in my mind. Ironically, it probably won't be as long as my other usual stories, so...here goes.

Just like a lot of my other stories, I gotta provide a bit of background. So I've been hangin' out with this girl lately, she is a potentially datable girl, but who knows, we'll see. So this girl and I were hanging out one day, and I was telling her about my uncle and my aunt's respective bachelor and bachelorette parties (spoiler alert: That's going to be tomorrow's entry). My aunt's party involved a penis cake, I won't go into detail now, but let's just say the penis cake was rather...extravagant.

So this girl and I were talking about how when we hook up next, we should bake a penis cake. I thought it was a joke, but this was seriousness. We were going to go out, buy the mold, bake it, fill the middle with 'cream' and chow down. I really hope she didn't think I was gay when I agreed to this.

So there's a sex shop, but relative to where I live, it's a far ways away by bike. I don't have a car (yet), and she isn't old enough to go into the shop (She's 17, I'm 19. Just thought I'd throw that one out there). So I decided to ask my friend if I could borrow his car to go up there. This is mostly cause he doesn't get to use his car because he doesn't have his license. I have mine, but no car. I'll drive him places, I'll borrow the car from time to time, it works.

On a side note, my friend is gay. Quite gay. In case you're getting the wrong idea, I got nothing against those of the homosex. However, strolling into the sex shop together with someone who is quite gay got me a few weird glances.

I'm assuming at first, most people didn't want to assume anything, maybe we were just lookin' for some gag gifts or something. Maybe we both were going to get some porn. But without thinking about it, we both strolled over to the women's section of the store immediately and started to look at the dick shaped things. Bypassed everything, but just went to the dick section. When I go to buy anything, I like to go in, get what I need, and get out...which that last sentence seems a bit ironic thinking about where I was...

While we were looking, I found something that I found particularly humorous. There were a wall of various dildos. Although I did not stop and linger, I did glance at them. The thing I found weirdly funny was that the white dildo, 8' long. Brown dildo, 8½' long. The black dildo was 6' long. Now, I wouldn't know personally, but according to stereotypes, there was something quite inaccurate about that. I started cracking up very loudly in the middle of store, probably a bit ridiculously, and more eyes turned to look at the weird brown kid with his gay friend laughing at dildos.

Then I saw the price of the penis mold. Twenty dollars. Twenty dollars just so someone can bake a dick shaped cake. After that, I serious'd the fuck up. I called up my girly friend.

"Hey, bad news, I can't get the penis cake"

"Awww, why not?"

"It's twenty dollars. I only brought fifteen"

I figured telling her I was short money would bypass the, "I'm cheap and don't wanna pay twenty dollars for penis cake mold" and then her impending, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase buy it" thing that would be inevitable.

Oh well, if she wants penis, she knows  where she can find one haha.

Click Bomb

This isn't so much a funny post  as it is a serious post. As those of you who follow me see, I put ads on my blog that runs through Adsense. Recently, one of my new followers out there click bombed my ads which, while they may have thought that they were doing something good, is actually just the opposite. Doing something like that can get a user banned. I use Adsense just to make a bit of extra coin on the side, but I like having this blog. It really helps me prepare material for standup comedy when I go out to open mic nights and such. Let's me know what stuff is funnier than others and helps me remember some of the material. If you did it because you were trying to somehow help, please, don't do that again, it is very detrimental. If you're doing it because you want to get me banned for whatever reason at all, you sir or madam, are an asshole.

Game

So this post will be quite short, at least compared to a lot of my other entries, but I really need helpful feedback on this one.

I'll provide background on what happened. I established this blog months ago, almost a year ago in fact. I originally decided to make this more of a journalistic type blog (I may resort back to doing that for a bit as I go and compile data, AKA do more interesting things to provide humorous stories) and thus, did not want my friends to know about it. I posted a few very personal things (they're still in the archives, there to stay) and a couple of people posted and followed and such. No biggie.

Then came the day when I was a complete idiot and forgot that the link to this blog was still ctrl+C'd. I accidentally pasted and sent it to a friend, and then he found out all about it. That right there, that is probably where it SHOULD have ended. Him finding out about it, then me killing him so that nobody would ever find out about my secret...But killing people over petty reasons isn't my thing.

However, he decided to bitch, whine, moan, and complain about his 'best friend keeping a secret blog' from him. About how I 'never tell him anything about my feelings and that I'd rather tell strangers than confide in him'. He decided to go out and tell a bunch of people about the fact that I have a blog, but thankfully he never actually said where it was located. This was still just enough to get my friends curious. For you see, although I am a very social person and like to talk and do things with people, I don't like to open up. To anyone really. So they want to know what I post here.

This is where you, my followers can help me. I decided maybe it is a bit unfair for me to hide this. However, I don't want to blatantly tell my friends the URL. I want to make it into a game of sorts. Make it a challenge. See how badly people want to know what this is. I need ideas on what I should do. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Edit: I just found out through tinkering in the settings I can change the URL. Wow. That advice would've been a LOT more helpful earlier in time.

Edit II: Apparently, I can have followers on this blog now! Please follow!