Epiphiny

The title may be spelled wrong, but I have had one nonetheless and I feel like I should write it down. This'll probably be a boring post, and I am by all means not trying to change anyone or anybodies way of thinking or challenging anyone's opinion, but I just want to write this down for my own personal reasons. Besides, I haven't written anything here in awhile, I have to keep it active somehow right?

This past year has definitely been quite a year. I definitely changed in many ways and learned some new things about myself that I feel fortunate to have been able to discover. Some of them are very large, some of them small. Some very important, others almost petty. Some of them very positive, others completely destructive. You get the picture. Thinking about everything I'm about to write makes me think that maybe this is something more for when the year actually changes, but I'm a seasonal type of guy. I hate the winter and thrive during the summer. That's when my year starts, when the weather starts to get nice, and like a bear, my year starts to draw to a close for the cold months.

So some things I learned during this year. I learned that with discipline, I can actually lose weight. Without it, I will put the weight back on. I learned that although I may not like it, cars are crucial in the time we live in. Of course that varies from area to area, but that's true for here at least. I can look good with really long hair as long as I actually do something to it rather than just let it sit and make me look like an Asian woman. Swimming is amazing. I'm not meant to stay in my family. I need to leave this place. I need to make money to get out of this rat race of a life. I got a lot of inner demons, but I need to let go of those. I need to make more effort.

Most of all, I have changed too much.

In a very, very early post, although it may actually be in a completely different blog, I talked about how I needed to change. I talked about how I needed to change myself. I was sick of being alone and felt so lonely, and hell, I still do. I felt that I needed to become a different person because the few past relationships I had didn't work out. I felt like I needed a new wardrobe, a new style, almost a new being.

I started hanging out with different people, I got a few new threads that I could barely afford. I started working out. I started reading more. I started reading how other people did things and started to emulate it. They said to be 'more mysterious and more appealing, do this', so I would try and do that. They said to do this or to do that. Do one thing or another and things will start going smoother. I didn't have many opportunities to go out, but when I did, I tried those things, and when I did, they felt weird. I chalked it up to me not doing it before and having some of that nervousness from doing something new.

Some of these things were for the better. I made a lot more friends and vastly expanded my already large social circle. One can never have too many friends I say. I have gotten quite a few compliments on my sense of style. It's a style that I like and glad I have adopted. It doesn't have any kind of name to it, it's not like I became a hipster kid or a douche. I just wear clothes that match, catch they eye, but aren't too flashy. Some clothes that I can jump around in and hang out in, but if I needed to go somewhere at a moments notice and look presentable, I'm still in the proper attire. I found a nice balance.

As something that I have talked about quite a lot is my weight loss and healthiness. I can jump higher, I can swim about four, consistent laps of about 50m (so overall 200m or maybe about 600 Ft.) before having to stop to catch my breath. On my best days I can bike a 3 minute mile on a full out sprint, but I can average out at about a 5-6 minute mile just cruising. I can hold a note for 20 seconds no problem. Do pushups and situps easy without so much weight dragging me down. Taking initiative in life and tapping into my prime human condition.

Though, I also changed who I was at the base. I started taking other people's advice and did what they did. I mean, I was still a fun loving, funny guy, but there was something that was off. I ended up alienating quite a few girls I wanted to date taking their advice because I was no longer 'me'. I acted a certain way in front of certain friends and it'd drain me restricting myself or pushing myself into doing something I wasn't. Sounds kind of cliche, but it's because of my disbelief of me being a part of cliches that led me into doing that. In essence, I became a bit more alone from quite a few people and that loneliness grew a bit and I had no idea why. I just marked it up to me not doing things right and tried harder only to ultimately fail and feel even worse. The thing is, I didn't even realize it for a time period that was way too long I think. I didn't notice it until just before typing all of this.

First, let me explain something else first, should anyone still be reading this. When I started this blog, I followed someone who I think got their blog shut down, but I read a post talking about how he had a lot better success with women and in life in general and so did his friend and that he was just posting it for someone to view if they had the desire to.

At that point in time, I was thinking it'd be nice to have a girlfriend, so I decided to view it. It was the Vince DiCarlo Pandora's Box method, and even though it sounded kind of sleazy, I decided to get some of the things it offered, but I never really paid attention to it. There was a lot, and I was impatient, and I decided to just keep putting it off and keep putting it off, never really reading or watching any of it.

Fast forward to recently, I got bored and I felt like I had been behind on my reading. I haven't had the money to go out and buy books, but I got an eBook reader on my 3ds, so I decided to open that up and look through some of the titles I never got around to reading. I thought I might read some James Patterson or even World War Z, but I saw a bunch of titles that didn't make any sense to me. They all said 'in#'. There were a couple with the number 0, a few 1's, 2's, etc., and the author was unknown. I decided to click it, it must've been something I was interested in cause I put it on there, and lo and behold, it was the Pandora's Box eBooks.

Again, thinking it was kind of sleazy, I almost didn't read it, but I had the pages already open, and so I decided to at least give it a chance and read a few pages. Then a few more, and a few more after that. I soon found myself completely enthralled with the book and in one night, I reached page 200 or so. Everything in it made sense. I mean, I read a lot of other advice and while some of it would make some kind of sense, it seemed like a bit of a stretch or really circumstantial. This on the other hand was almost like a godsend into my life. Hell, that might've been an exaggeration, but it is certainly...inspiring to say the least.

It also helped me realize what I've been doing this whole time, and that's be someone who I'm not. As I flipped through each page and absorbed every word, things started to make sense to me. It explained why earlier on in my adolescence I was terrible with girls and people in general and why I got really fortunate with girls I didn't like in my older teenage years, but was terrible with the girls I liked save for a couple. Long story short, I wasn't being natural. I wasn't being (please excuse the cliche), myself. Or at least, true to myself. Sure, I wasn't pretending to be someone else, but at the same time, I was almost filtering who I was as a person.

As a kid, I hated myself, so I tried to hide in denial everything I felt bad about myself with, and pushed forward a positive persona, but it was almost crazy, chaotic. I'm still a bit crazed, but it's purposeful, like a controlled demolition. A lot of girls liked me because I was honest and true with them. No bullshit, nothing. I was a bit flirty, sure, that may have been a dick move to do that, but I was someone who was confident and knew what the hell they were doing, or at least made it seem that way. I controlled shit and didn't let anything phase me. I had a positive energy and while I may not be the smartest or strongest, I was the most charismatic.

Except to the girls I liked.

I always had this preconceived notion of how girls wanted to be treated because of TV, movies, books, stupid stuff like that. I figured if I was nice enough and did things for them, they might start to take an interest. But that's the same thing that their parents and family does for them. Hell, that's what their friends do for them. So I thought maybe if I go out of my way to do things for them, they'd like me then. But all that did was just make me a very extravagant best friend.

I tried showing that 'sensitive' side. All that did was get me laughed at. So that ultimately failed. I tried texting, calling, IM'ing and having conversations on that, but all that just made me seem boring. Did the shit they wanted, went to the mall, hung out at their house, but in the end, it was all just shit they wanted to do, things that I could easily have been replaced with some other girl or guy, but that's not what I wanted to be.

Now here comes where everything relates to the title. I don't know why it took me this long in my 19 year life, but all I needed to do was be natural. I didn't have to take anybodies advice. I didn't have to do that shit people told me to do. I didn't have to do what TV shows said and be all 'sensitive' or even be a dick to get those other kinds of girls. I just had to, again, excuse the cliche, be my-fucking-self.

From now on, as I write this I am going to dedicate myself to something new. I'm going to keep on doing everything else I've been doing up until now, trying to get a job, get the hell out of here, make some money, exercising and losing weight. All that was been positive, I'm going to keep that in life. I am however going to change one thing. I am going to revert to who I was, and just stay natural. I have a ton of friends and had a ton of admirers who did just that because I was me. I was the most fucking interesting person they knew because even though I was passionate about things, I didn't give a shit about social norms and established my own. I took a strong step forward and made sure everything else followed. It's time to get back to basics.


Tl;dr   I need to start being natural.

P.S. I know my posts are having very large lengths between them and I haven't been supporting you like I should. I'm trying very fervently to try and get a job. Just so that I have a reason to log onto the computer, I may log onto blogspot and start using this blog as a journalistic blog for a bit. If you read through all of this, I applaud your valiant effort, thank you.