This is a moment I never want to forget and so I'm writing it down here. It happened a couple weeks before this entry. I was able to dance with a girl who I am very fond of and care for very deeply. It was probably the sleeziest thing (or at least one of them) but I find myself unable to regret any of it.
At the most recent anime convention I was at, I was able to finally bring a girl who I have admired for many years now. I've flirted with her and she has flirted back, but at the end of the day, I have a girlfriend (albeit it is a polyamorous relationship) and she has her heart set on another man. Yet, I still yearn for her. Something about her makes me long for her and I was able to get my wish during the rave.
We went together with her needing to act as my 'wingman'. She thought of the idea, I went along with it, but I had a totally different idea straight from the start. I had an immeasurable yearning for her and I went with the sole intention of being with her that night even if only for a little bit.
The smell of her was intoxicating and holding her close to me was a high that nothing could even begin to compare to. As we danced together, I felt her soft, warm skin beneath my finger tips tremble as I raked my nails up her thigh. A coy smile across her lips, looking downward and refusing to meet my gaze.
I lead her body across the beats, across the rhythms. My hips moved with the tempo both of our hearts beating like the bass. I know she could feel my excitement as she moved deeper into me and with me; each swing of the hips becoming fuller. We swayed like a pendulum; our bodies both in sync pressing harder into each other. The closer and more into her I got, the more I craved her flesh until finally I leaned in and bit her neck.
A slight moan escaped her lips and I felt her body jolt for a moment, shocked from the sudden sensation. She then turned around to face me and brought me close to her until she bit into my shoulder and I felt what her body must have. The sensual way her hand rested on the back of my neck and went through my hair electrified my spine. Despite the mass of bodies surrounding, the eyes watching, and the DJ playing, I was zoned in on her and nothing more.
I leaned in closer. I brought her face up to mine. Our lips touched for a fleeting moment. We both broke away, both of us realizing what we had done, but I was never sure if she regretted what we did. Even so, we did not break our hold on each other and kept on moving through the night. We kept our hands on each other, looking into each others eyes, nothing but fire erupting between them.
[I kissed her, and while at first it felt like some kind of success, reflecting back on it, it felt empty. There was so much tension that I felt leading up to it that didn't go away during like most kisses. It was just a small peck on the lips, but there was nothing there. It was disappointing and I realized that maybe it was more of a curiosity or maybe the moment was off, but everything I thought I felt just flew out the window, and I was okay with that.]*
We danced for a short time after, but soon I had to sober her and her friend up so I took them to Subway to fill their stomachs and we didn't speak of it until long afterwards.
[I hid it from Bethany and when I finally did tell her it all came out wrong. I should have just told her straight up but instead I became just like my father and hurt her like he did my mother. I guess I can't escape every single thing he did. She also eventually told her boyfriend and he was less than pleased.
So now, because I was stupid and a bit tipsy and not thinking, I ruined our friendship, hurt my relationship and possibly messed up hers. I'm such a shitty human being.]*
*I included everything in the asterisk with the sole purpose of hiding my own cowardice. I was a coward, afraid if anyone should find this blog and read this what they'd think. Then I realized that this blog is for me and only me. To say what I said is the same as lying to myself. While I actually regret getting caught and admitting what I had done, I do not regret my actions.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Inspiration
I've been told many times in my life that I've been an 'inspiration' to someone. That I've been an enormous source of inspiration for one person or another. Someone a couple months ago told me that I am someone that the world wishes they could be but are too afraid to act like. Someone last night told me that they were too embarrassed to be my friend at a low point in their life because I was too good of a person. Another person told me they didn't want to date me because compared to me, they were too terrible of a person. People often tell me that I'm the only person they feel like they can trust and rely
It must seem fucked up to think of all these things as bad, but all these things are just so pressuring. I don't feel like I go above and beyond anything unreasonable. It's just all of these expectations weigh down on me sometimes. I'm sure this is the same kind of pressure that everyone deals with, but sometimes it just feels like a completely different level. People expect me to be 'better', to be 'honest', but most of the time I feel like I'm just good at spinning the truth.
Someone told me recently that they feel like I'm one of their closest friends because they can share anything with me and I won't judge them. This is true, with some extreme cases excluded of course. The thing is, I think people just have a different value of shame. I don't mind sharing most things with people because I feel like there are so many more things to feel ashamed about. Thus, the things that most people would be embarrassed to admit, I feel nothing about. The things that most people wouldn't do, I have no reservations.
That leaves me with the fears that most people have placed in different things. That's what makes me different. I have fears that are wrapped in various delusions and irrational paranoia. Sometimes I get scared thinking about whether or not people would like me if they knew how suicidal I was on the inside and how messed up my train of thinking is. How desperately I wish to be an alcoholic but I know that I can't afford it. How depressed and anxious I am on a daily but have a higher sense of duty that pushes on through despite all that.
Of course logic tells me every single one of them would be there in a heartbeat ready to help. Nobody would even hesitate to help me. But I don't want them to. I'd rather drown. And I don't know why. I'd rather drown under my own sorrows alone rather than let people help me. Would people misunderstand? Would people think that I don't care about them? Because it's only through the help and pressure of others that I stay alive and push on. I do it more for them most days than I do for myself.
If anything, I'm scared that some day that might not be enough. I love my friends and all the people in my life, but sometimes I'm just scared that I'll be alone one day and that whatever strength I had will be gone and I'll follow suit.
It must seem fucked up to think of all these things as bad, but all these things are just so pressuring. I don't feel like I go above and beyond anything unreasonable. It's just all of these expectations weigh down on me sometimes. I'm sure this is the same kind of pressure that everyone deals with, but sometimes it just feels like a completely different level. People expect me to be 'better', to be 'honest', but most of the time I feel like I'm just good at spinning the truth.
Someone told me recently that they feel like I'm one of their closest friends because they can share anything with me and I won't judge them. This is true, with some extreme cases excluded of course. The thing is, I think people just have a different value of shame. I don't mind sharing most things with people because I feel like there are so many more things to feel ashamed about. Thus, the things that most people would be embarrassed to admit, I feel nothing about. The things that most people wouldn't do, I have no reservations.
That leaves me with the fears that most people have placed in different things. That's what makes me different. I have fears that are wrapped in various delusions and irrational paranoia. Sometimes I get scared thinking about whether or not people would like me if they knew how suicidal I was on the inside and how messed up my train of thinking is. How desperately I wish to be an alcoholic but I know that I can't afford it. How depressed and anxious I am on a daily but have a higher sense of duty that pushes on through despite all that.
Of course logic tells me every single one of them would be there in a heartbeat ready to help. Nobody would even hesitate to help me. But I don't want them to. I'd rather drown. And I don't know why. I'd rather drown under my own sorrows alone rather than let people help me. Would people misunderstand? Would people think that I don't care about them? Because it's only through the help and pressure of others that I stay alive and push on. I do it more for them most days than I do for myself.
If anything, I'm scared that some day that might not be enough. I love my friends and all the people in my life, but sometimes I'm just scared that I'll be alone one day and that whatever strength I had will be gone and I'll follow suit.
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