Shortstack Destruction

My friend Scott and I were recently at a local eatery. It's a place called Royal Diner. Nice atmosphere, pretty good food at decent prices depending on what you're getting. It's usually one of the only places that is open 24/7 so when we're out at 3AM and we're hungry, we'll go to this place to get a bite to eat.

So this night, my friend Scott and I were really hungry, the whole point of going to a restaurant. We were both oddly feeling up for pancakes, so that's what we ordered. We were determined to destroy those short stacks. Force them down into our gullets and satisfy the craving for sweetened starches. There was something that made this particular trip amazing.

There was two girls sitting in a booth adjacent to ours. One of the girls was the talker, evidenced by her excessive spouting of crap that dribbled down her mouth. Not saying I'm not any better with these walls of texts, but there is a difference between this woman and me. The other one was the listener. Now, I'm not sure if she was actually processing everything that the other girl was saying or just in her own little world, but not matter what the Talker said, she would always just nod, or agree, though sometimes quite enthusiastically.

So this girl had one of those air headed, know nothing voices. You know the one. I usually just drown those out, but I heard one sentence that caught my ear.

"Yeah, so, like, I don't know why people never trust me with relationship or fucking advice", fucking used here as sexual intercourse

"I mean, I'm like walking herpies, I know about all this shit"

"Yeah, I know girl, I totally agree."

At this point, I stopped mid bite and my ears perked up. It was so sudden that Scott even noticed. He asked what was up and I motioned for him to listen to the conversation behind him unfold.

"Yeah, I wish people would listen to me. I got these flare ups fuckin' around. I know what the hell I'm doing. Like Lisa, she, like, never, ever listen to me."


Well maybe that's because you just referenced yourself as walking herpies. Maybe this is just me, but I probably wouldn't trust anyone who dubs themselves as that. Maybe I'm crazy though. Either that or this is some crazy new age vernacular that I haven't caught onto yet.

I laughed for a bit so I missed on what transitioned into what I heard next, but the next topic was about people she hates.

"-cking bitch Trish. God, she's with that dick head Al. I hope she gets crabs and dies."
I really hope she was talking about the actual crabs and this girl is allergic to shellfish because there was something terribly wrong with that sentence.

"For real girl. You, like, speak the truth. This is why I hang out with you and not those fake bitches Chelse and -"

"Wait, I just got a new update on my facebook. Oh my god, Tyler has been trying to hit on me and get into my pants."


"Oh. My. God. No. Way."

"Yeah. I think I might let him have a bit of nookie ya know? He'll be getting a big surprise in the morning", I snorted into my food and I tried to stifle my laughter. Then I felt bad for this poor bastard he's going to get from the herpies tank.

"Yeah, cause I ain't bringing condoms. That's up to the guy, girls should never be responsible for that. He wants to contend this, he better be packing some heat. I ain't gonna be labeled a slut."

Yes. Because being called a slut is a whole lot worse than being labeled as walking herpies. With how hard I was laughing, it was like I couldn't even taste the short stacks anymore. The stupidity of the conversation overshadowed any taste the pancakes could've made.

I left a large tip just because the waitress sat us next to those girls. It was definitely a good night.

[Joke of the night: Magic Apples]


A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."