Cuddling

[This isn't a funny story, so if you're looking for comedy, look for a post that you may not have read.]

The other night, I was hanging out with this girl named Keni (her name is Mckenzie, but she hates all the girls she knows that go by that name, so she dubs herself Keni as to not be associated with them in any way). She's a really sweet girl that I've been smitten with for awhile. She's a really nice girl, likes anime and such like me. She loves to cook, similar to me. She...well, we have a lot in common. She's not a dumb girl by all means and she's very compassionate.

For those last two things are reasons why I thought she'd never like me. While I'm not saying I'm stupid and the girls I like are stupid, my sense of humor is very crass and quite crude (as evidenced by my posts) and being all I'm good for is laughs and I hold humor to be a very important thing in life and as such created my own character around this, I did not think she would like me, you know, 'like that'. The classic thing girls always say. Not only that, but as for the compassionate part, I am, how you say, a dick.

Putting spoiler tags in books at Borders.
Dick move.
Mocking typos and pointing out the stupid things that people say on facebook or other places online.
Dick move.
Rick Rollin' people.
Dick move.
Cutting people off in traffic without even using your blinker and then slowing down.
Dick move. But even I don't do that....the fuckers.

She is not in any way any of those things, she scolds me, albeit in a playful manner, when I do such things. Still, I don't know why, but I am smitten with her. At the same time, it's those things that made me feel that she's probably not my type either, so I rationalized it, and logged it away.

Oh, and at some point she also blatantly told me that she only sees me as 'just a friend', so there's that too.

So let's back up a bit to a few months ago. I read someone's blog on here who talked about a man named Vince DiCarlo. Supposedly this man was a practitioner and inventor of what he liked to call, "Natural Game". In essence, he was a pick up artist. A pickup artist is just a person who is able to attract and initiate contact with others that they are interested in starting a possible relationship with, or as many men I'm sure do, sleep with.

I've read up on a lot of that stuff, and although it isn't as dried out as cliche pick up lines, a lot of it seemed really...synthetic. So as I read this bloggers description of this guys stuff, much like you are now, it seemed interesting, so I decided I would...well, pick it up.

Now, the highs and lows of what 'Natural Game' is, is almost as it sounds. It's a style of thinking that dictates being open and natural. Not exactly wearing everything on your sleeve, but going out with an open attitude and positive mindset that emanates outward and just makes people, not even just those who you are trying to attract, be more at ease with you. It eventually just seeps over to all aspects of life. For the most part, it really teaches someone how to truly relax and become confident. I would definitely say if you're having trouble with women, or a woman, look up this guy. I've read a lot of his stuff, and I can definitely say that it's worth at least a look.

So how does this relate?

Well, I realized that because she was a girl I likened so much, I was putting her up on a pedestal. What I thought was being 'sweet' and 'thoughtful' was just me being...well, in a way needy. It came off as me liking her, she could smell it a mile away, and in essence, although I was 'always there' for her and such, I was pretty much just being one of her gal pals.

So lately, after reading all this stuff, I decided to approach it the way it said I should. As cliche as it was, I was pretty much just being myself. Once it got to a certain point, yeah, I flirted, but I remained who I was and that's what made the difference.

Keni eventually spent the night and slept in my bed. Before you start thinking, "yeah, he got some", I'll say right now, I didn't. But that's okay. Honestly, it is.

We shared the bed and watched some anime on Adult Swim, and relaxed. I don't know how it got there (it was about 3AM at this point), but my arm ended up underneath her. I usually sleep on my side, but in order to do that, I would have to cuddle with her, and at that point, I figured I was still in the friendzone and it would've been awkward for her.

That was until she snuggled up really close to me. I summoned up every bit of courage I had from King Midas, Poseidon, Jupiter, and Odin and put my arm around her. My stone heart beat against my chest out of nervousness, but she didn't shy away or anything. She just snuggled up closer. So I hugged her close to me and she fell asleep in my arms. It was....warm. And very satisfying.

I woke up and she soon woke up soon afterwards. I kissed her on the forehead and told her good morning and she smiled in that hazy kind of way people do when they wake up in a good mood. We just laid there, her in my arms, and we talked.

She said she didn't know what it was, but she has started seeing me in a new way. Although she hasn't decided if she wants to date, she said that it is something she'll definitely contemplate. Which for me is a big improvement from the pit of the friendzone which up until that point I thought was nay impossible to climb out of.

So as a last statement, this is for you, my....twenty or so followers. If any of you have been friendzoned in the past, I was most likely similar to you and very bitter about being in such a predicament. Don't despair. There is hope.

Best of luck to both of us ey?

Recently, I have been out and about lately. Got a job, working out, partying. It's been a busy couple of weeks, especially the job searching. While I have felt bad about neglecting my blog, while I was out, I have been able to do somethings that are worth noting here. I got some new stories to tell.

So I was at an open house and I ended up seeing a girl who I haven't seen awhile. She's cute, at least in my opinion. I've known her for a long time, about six years, but we haven't really ever hung out together. She lives way on the other side of town and out of reach from me on a bike.

We talk every now and then through texts and facebook, but never anything beyond that. She's a sweet girl, strange, and has an amazing sense of dark humor which are traits I find quite intriguing. A very different way of thinking that girl, very eclectic, which I have in common. I love talking to people with strange minds and odd ways of thinking; makes for much better conversation, and is much more endearing in my opinion.

So considering I actually got to meet her in person, it was nice being able to actually flirt and be able to touch her in person. In my opinion, it's a lost easier and more effective to do it in person. As the night goes on, she starts saying....something. It sounds very seductive, I can tell that much from her inflection, but I can't understand what it is she's saying because it's in German. By the way, I don't speak German.

However, pretty much everyone else spoke German. So they all knew exactly what she was saying. They were fluent. They just didn't feel like telling me about this until after she left. They started to make fun of me for it, but it's not like I could know.

Then came the second party.

After another day of turning in job applications I decided I would hang out with my friend Chris. It had been awhile since I had done so. I went over, only to find that I went at the exact same time as a party was happening. His brother was back in town and so decided to throw a party. My timing was great.

As I started to chill out and start a fire with everyone, guess who I saw walk into the party. If you thought Betty White, you're crazy and are terribly wrong. If you thought the German speaking girl, you are quite correct. Alternatively, if you said a creepy girl who likes to lick people's faces, rub her face on other people's faces while purring like a cat and bites people, as well as some other.... unsettling traits, then you are oddly specific but also correct.

So, this time around, my game was off. It is very, very hard to hit and flirt with a girl when another girl is hanging all over you. I gotta say, when I get cock blocked by a guy, it's very easy to get around. I don't make a big scene or anything, don't get all weepy and dejected, I just continue to be confident and be me. Usually my natural charisma will charm anyone be it guy or girl, although girls will be actually attracted and guys will find me as a cool guy.

Getting cock blocked by a girl though...That is something I'm not prepared for. I do not know how to handle trying to flirt with one girl when there's another girl hanging all over me...licking my face....biting and gnawing into my shoulder...running her hand up my thigh....

Most of my friends when I told this story asked why I didn't just try and get with this girl. Well, I don't really like her personality so much, not much at all. That, and I just don't find her very attractive. A couple of my friends have said, "Well, if it was an attractive girl you wouldn't mind", which also isn't very true. I don't like anyone touching my face. So a girl I don't like all that much licking my face just freaks me right the fuck out. And again, makes it very hard to flirt with another girl. All in all, it wasn't a very fruitful night.

Then came the girl I was texting, a completely different girl. It's a girl I haven't hung out in awhile, so being I now have a car, I was going to ask if she wanted to hang out. Here's how the conversation generally played out.

[Me]: Hey, how's it going?

{Her}: Pretty good. I miss you :) How are you doing?

[Me]: Haha, I miss you too. I'm doing well. You wanna hang out?

{Her}: I can't, I'm going to go out to eat with my family and then we're going to see Harry Potter

[Me]: Aw, I'd love to go out to eat and see Harry Potter. I'm jelly! That sounds great.

[Me]: You think you can hang out after?

{Her}: No, I can't. We're going to be getting home kinda late and we have to wake up at 5am to go to a birthday party for my cousin.

[Me]: Oh, I LOVE waking up ridiculously early to go to birthday parties!

[Me]: Okay, so I'm a liar lol

Now, watch this huge leap of logic here. See if you can keep up.

{Her}: Are you trying to say you wanna be with me?

See what I mean? I had no idea where the hell she got this idea, but apparently, she got that in her mind and it was mind boggling. So, I decided to try and defuse the situation. I wasn't sure if she meant be with her and hang out, or be with her as in be her boyfriend.

[Me]: Well, I wanna hang out with you...but I don't wanna be WITH you.

{Her}: Well fine, I'd hate to be in a relationship with you too.

At this point, I could tell I was not going to make any head room. She was quite a stubborn girl sometimes and now that she had this stuck in her mind, there was no way this was going to end well. I didn't want to ask what brought this one, or how she got this in her mind so I just tried to just let this one go.

[Me]: Okay.

Simple, easy. Just kinda shrugging it off. Not the dick, douche baggy, "k". I wasn't going to give her anything to work with at this point. I find that when it comes to anger, someone can only continue to be angry at someone who gives them fuel with emotion. If you just shrug it off, it'd be like trying to push yourself off of a curtain. Useless.

{Her}: I'm very angry at you.

[Me]:  Okay. I just hope that your anger at me doesn't stop you from enjoying Harry Potter.

It was very hard for me to not be sarcastic at that point and say something like, "Well, I hope your 'righteous' fury doesn't prevent you from enjoying being immersed in the magical world of Harry Potter. It would be such a pity if you were so blindly furious at me that you couldn't enjoy the thrilling conclusion of the series. You might actually have to spend more money to see it again! Or even worse, read the book! Gasp!". I figured that'd be bad though.

{Her}: Fuck you and all the guys like you.

I was confused about what the hell that  was supposed to mean, but I decided enough was enough and just didn't respond.

Well, here's one for returning. I shall be diligent in following you all and supporting you once more.

Oh, and in case none of that was funny, I'll depart with a joke that I heard.

When I was a kid, my grammar was so bad that I got trapped at the bottom of a good.

Epiphiny

The title may be spelled wrong, but I have had one nonetheless and I feel like I should write it down. This'll probably be a boring post, and I am by all means not trying to change anyone or anybodies way of thinking or challenging anyone's opinion, but I just want to write this down for my own personal reasons. Besides, I haven't written anything here in awhile, I have to keep it active somehow right?

This past year has definitely been quite a year. I definitely changed in many ways and learned some new things about myself that I feel fortunate to have been able to discover. Some of them are very large, some of them small. Some very important, others almost petty. Some of them very positive, others completely destructive. You get the picture. Thinking about everything I'm about to write makes me think that maybe this is something more for when the year actually changes, but I'm a seasonal type of guy. I hate the winter and thrive during the summer. That's when my year starts, when the weather starts to get nice, and like a bear, my year starts to draw to a close for the cold months.

So some things I learned during this year. I learned that with discipline, I can actually lose weight. Without it, I will put the weight back on. I learned that although I may not like it, cars are crucial in the time we live in. Of course that varies from area to area, but that's true for here at least. I can look good with really long hair as long as I actually do something to it rather than just let it sit and make me look like an Asian woman. Swimming is amazing. I'm not meant to stay in my family. I need to leave this place. I need to make money to get out of this rat race of a life. I got a lot of inner demons, but I need to let go of those. I need to make more effort.

Most of all, I have changed too much.

In a very, very early post, although it may actually be in a completely different blog, I talked about how I needed to change. I talked about how I needed to change myself. I was sick of being alone and felt so lonely, and hell, I still do. I felt that I needed to become a different person because the few past relationships I had didn't work out. I felt like I needed a new wardrobe, a new style, almost a new being.

I started hanging out with different people, I got a few new threads that I could barely afford. I started working out. I started reading more. I started reading how other people did things and started to emulate it. They said to be 'more mysterious and more appealing, do this', so I would try and do that. They said to do this or to do that. Do one thing or another and things will start going smoother. I didn't have many opportunities to go out, but when I did, I tried those things, and when I did, they felt weird. I chalked it up to me not doing it before and having some of that nervousness from doing something new.

Some of these things were for the better. I made a lot more friends and vastly expanded my already large social circle. One can never have too many friends I say. I have gotten quite a few compliments on my sense of style. It's a style that I like and glad I have adopted. It doesn't have any kind of name to it, it's not like I became a hipster kid or a douche. I just wear clothes that match, catch they eye, but aren't too flashy. Some clothes that I can jump around in and hang out in, but if I needed to go somewhere at a moments notice and look presentable, I'm still in the proper attire. I found a nice balance.

As something that I have talked about quite a lot is my weight loss and healthiness. I can jump higher, I can swim about four, consistent laps of about 50m (so overall 200m or maybe about 600 Ft.) before having to stop to catch my breath. On my best days I can bike a 3 minute mile on a full out sprint, but I can average out at about a 5-6 minute mile just cruising. I can hold a note for 20 seconds no problem. Do pushups and situps easy without so much weight dragging me down. Taking initiative in life and tapping into my prime human condition.

Though, I also changed who I was at the base. I started taking other people's advice and did what they did. I mean, I was still a fun loving, funny guy, but there was something that was off. I ended up alienating quite a few girls I wanted to date taking their advice because I was no longer 'me'. I acted a certain way in front of certain friends and it'd drain me restricting myself or pushing myself into doing something I wasn't. Sounds kind of cliche, but it's because of my disbelief of me being a part of cliches that led me into doing that. In essence, I became a bit more alone from quite a few people and that loneliness grew a bit and I had no idea why. I just marked it up to me not doing things right and tried harder only to ultimately fail and feel even worse. The thing is, I didn't even realize it for a time period that was way too long I think. I didn't notice it until just before typing all of this.

First, let me explain something else first, should anyone still be reading this. When I started this blog, I followed someone who I think got their blog shut down, but I read a post talking about how he had a lot better success with women and in life in general and so did his friend and that he was just posting it for someone to view if they had the desire to.

At that point in time, I was thinking it'd be nice to have a girlfriend, so I decided to view it. It was the Vince DiCarlo Pandora's Box method, and even though it sounded kind of sleazy, I decided to get some of the things it offered, but I never really paid attention to it. There was a lot, and I was impatient, and I decided to just keep putting it off and keep putting it off, never really reading or watching any of it.

Fast forward to recently, I got bored and I felt like I had been behind on my reading. I haven't had the money to go out and buy books, but I got an eBook reader on my 3ds, so I decided to open that up and look through some of the titles I never got around to reading. I thought I might read some James Patterson or even World War Z, but I saw a bunch of titles that didn't make any sense to me. They all said 'in#'. There were a couple with the number 0, a few 1's, 2's, etc., and the author was unknown. I decided to click it, it must've been something I was interested in cause I put it on there, and lo and behold, it was the Pandora's Box eBooks.

Again, thinking it was kind of sleazy, I almost didn't read it, but I had the pages already open, and so I decided to at least give it a chance and read a few pages. Then a few more, and a few more after that. I soon found myself completely enthralled with the book and in one night, I reached page 200 or so. Everything in it made sense. I mean, I read a lot of other advice and while some of it would make some kind of sense, it seemed like a bit of a stretch or really circumstantial. This on the other hand was almost like a godsend into my life. Hell, that might've been an exaggeration, but it is certainly...inspiring to say the least.

It also helped me realize what I've been doing this whole time, and that's be someone who I'm not. As I flipped through each page and absorbed every word, things started to make sense to me. It explained why earlier on in my adolescence I was terrible with girls and people in general and why I got really fortunate with girls I didn't like in my older teenage years, but was terrible with the girls I liked save for a couple. Long story short, I wasn't being natural. I wasn't being (please excuse the cliche), myself. Or at least, true to myself. Sure, I wasn't pretending to be someone else, but at the same time, I was almost filtering who I was as a person.

As a kid, I hated myself, so I tried to hide in denial everything I felt bad about myself with, and pushed forward a positive persona, but it was almost crazy, chaotic. I'm still a bit crazed, but it's purposeful, like a controlled demolition. A lot of girls liked me because I was honest and true with them. No bullshit, nothing. I was a bit flirty, sure, that may have been a dick move to do that, but I was someone who was confident and knew what the hell they were doing, or at least made it seem that way. I controlled shit and didn't let anything phase me. I had a positive energy and while I may not be the smartest or strongest, I was the most charismatic.

Except to the girls I liked.

I always had this preconceived notion of how girls wanted to be treated because of TV, movies, books, stupid stuff like that. I figured if I was nice enough and did things for them, they might start to take an interest. But that's the same thing that their parents and family does for them. Hell, that's what their friends do for them. So I thought maybe if I go out of my way to do things for them, they'd like me then. But all that did was just make me a very extravagant best friend.

I tried showing that 'sensitive' side. All that did was get me laughed at. So that ultimately failed. I tried texting, calling, IM'ing and having conversations on that, but all that just made me seem boring. Did the shit they wanted, went to the mall, hung out at their house, but in the end, it was all just shit they wanted to do, things that I could easily have been replaced with some other girl or guy, but that's not what I wanted to be.

Now here comes where everything relates to the title. I don't know why it took me this long in my 19 year life, but all I needed to do was be natural. I didn't have to take anybodies advice. I didn't have to do that shit people told me to do. I didn't have to do what TV shows said and be all 'sensitive' or even be a dick to get those other kinds of girls. I just had to, again, excuse the cliche, be my-fucking-self.

From now on, as I write this I am going to dedicate myself to something new. I'm going to keep on doing everything else I've been doing up until now, trying to get a job, get the hell out of here, make some money, exercising and losing weight. All that was been positive, I'm going to keep that in life. I am however going to change one thing. I am going to revert to who I was, and just stay natural. I have a ton of friends and had a ton of admirers who did just that because I was me. I was the most fucking interesting person they knew because even though I was passionate about things, I didn't give a shit about social norms and established my own. I took a strong step forward and made sure everything else followed. It's time to get back to basics.


Tl;dr   I need to start being natural.

P.S. I know my posts are having very large lengths between them and I haven't been supporting you like I should. I'm trying very fervently to try and get a job. Just so that I have a reason to log onto the computer, I may log onto blogspot and start using this blog as a journalistic blog for a bit. If you read through all of this, I applaud your valiant effort, thank you.

Delay

Sorry for the lack of posts lately everyone. I've been quite busy here in life lately Losing more weight, going out with friends, working my ASS off to get a job, went to a concert, just been keeping myself busy. I'll just throw a quick summation of events of what's been happening.

Well, I've had the entire house by myself for the past week. Nothing but peace and quiet. I've been able to sleep in peace, not have to deal with the bullshit from my family (except when they call with it), eat properly...the only thing I haven't been doing is getting enough sleep.

To start things off, I finally found a copy of a game called Jet Set Radio Future. This is the first game that came out with the original xBox, and it is definitely one of the most fun games I've ever played. It's a game where an oppressive regime has taken over futuristic Tokyo and so a group of inline skating gangs go around and graffiti various areas of the town. The art style is very unique compared to most other games, the playing style is very original, and the sound track is phenomenal. Here's one of the songs from the game, my favorite.



I never got to beat it when I first had it because my mom sold the xBox to someone very soon after we bought it ourselves. I looked around enough places though and finally found it. I've been playing it a lot and I can definitely say that this game is almost like boobs. Except better.

I've applied to a bunch of jobs like Best Buy, Hungry Howies, a local Hardware Store, Costco, and a few other places, but no fast food restaurants. I refuse to work at a place like that. Hell, I hate the food they serve there, much less cook it up. I'm really hoping for the job at Hungry Howies since they pay 10 an hour at start or Best Buy because I know about all those things very well.

I went to a local concert for a few punk rock bands including my friends' band and almost got my ears blown off. It was fun though. Most of the audiences were douche bags though. At the beginning it started off with a large crowd, but with every band that played, more and more people left since the band they came to support left until by the time it got to the last band, it was my friend and two other people. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it seemed rather rude. Oh, and that girl I talked about a couple posts back? She came with us and I had a great time with her. I'm hoping things go well with her, but I won't get my hopes up.

Went to a BBQ, it was alright. I wish I could've been doing something else though. It was kind of bland as far as things go. However, I made burgers that everyone loved on the grill, and I hadn't been out grilling in a really long time. Threw some egg, bread crumbs, salt, pepper, garlic powder and mixed it all in the burger meat, cooked it up and melted the cheese onto the burgers... I had Pepper Jack, Swiss, and American cheese all melted on mine. I was a little disappointed in myself though, I cooked them medium well and I know most people like burgers medium rare. That's a moot point though.

Last but not least, I went out to a Smash Mouth concert. Now, most people know that band as 'those guys who played that one song at the beginning of the first Shrek'. I've listened to some of their other songs when I found out that I had their first CD, and I have to say it was great. They were very charismatic and had great crowd participation. The guy has a voice that stays true to the CD's they put out and he just seems like a cool guy. I screamed my heart out and jumped higher than anyone else there. A couple of people came up to me afterwards and told me how entertaining it was to see me jump so much and scream. If I could sing better or play an instrument, I would definitely join a band.

This was my favorite song from the night.



So, that was most of my week in a nutshell. I'm out trying to gather humorous stories so I can tell you all of it, I should have a couple more after the 4th of July (I live in America, it's a big deal that day haha). For those of you who live here in America, I hope your holiday is amazing. If not, well, I hope you you have a great time in your endeavors.

My Day

This is just a post about the eventful day I had. I went out with this one girl I'm interested in to this place called Dixieland. It's a Flea Market, Swap Meet, or if you know what neither of those things are, just a bazaar or a huge garage sale. It's open on the weekends and she really likes that place, I like that place, so we decided to go.

I love the place cause anything I want, I can usually find their on the cheap. Someone was selling a Windows 7 installation CD for twenty bucks, a GREAT deal. I didn't buy it since I already run Windows 7, but that was just to put things in perspective. Or, for those of you who really liked Pok'e'mon cards back in the day, I bought my copy of the first edition original Charizard for ten dollars there when it was topping out at a couple hundred dollars. Yeah.

This girl likes it because of all the artsy things. The artsy things and the interesting things. She enjoys being able to look at all the handmade pieces and the antiques. All of the unusual and odd things that people are selling. It was quite fun to walk with her to places. People thought we were going out, I just hope I can make that happen.

While I was there, I saw a guy whom I recognized. It looked like my sister's boyfriend who last I knew, worked at a Pepsi place, so it was odd to see him there. I heard my sister got really sick (my older sister) so I asked him how she was. He replied that she was doing good. I asked him how long he's been working there and he said a year, and then I asked about the Pepsi job and he said he left it. We talked for a couple moments more, then I left.

Then something hit me. That wasn't my sister's boyfriend. That was another guy I knew from a couple years back. Then I realized he just told me that my sister was doing good and talked about the job with Pepsi that he left. Which makes me wonder what the hell he was talking about. Then again, he probably wondered what the hell I was talking about and just went with it.

So what did I get while I was there? I bought some steampunk goggles, a nice ring, Weezer's Blue album, a pair of jeans, and ear plugs. I spent 3.50$ while I was there. Felt great.

Afterwards, me and the girly went to the park. We both realized neither of us had eaten anything that day, and we saw a very large grouping of people. There was a cookout, lots of food being cooked, served and eaten. So I took her to stand in line. She was nervous as fuck, but I got her to calm down and stand in line with me. We talked and just pretended to belong. It's astonishing how people will assume you will belong if you do. By the end of it, I ate four hot dogs, a lot of salad, a slice of watermelon, and some cornbread and a little bit of brownie. She got some Mexican Cornbread, two hot dogs, some salad, a cookie, and two brownies. We ate like champions on our free meals.

She couldn't believe that we had just done that. She was so surprised that we just got away with it. I knew we'd get it done without anyone caring, and it went without a hitch. Maybe we'll do it again sometime and just get free meals all the time that way haha.

So that was my day today, anyone do anything interesting?

Finally

So I finally have a car. It's mine, in my name, registered, the only thing that I don't think is under my name is the insurance, however, I still have to pay for it regardless. So anything I make off of this account, instead of paying for something that I actually want like new clothes, it'll go right to insurance cause when I get a job, all of that is being saved for when I finally escape this place.

Now, as a fore warning, everything in this post is going to be very rant oriented and not humorous at all, if that's what you're looking for, you may want to click somewhere else. I just want to rant out and plan out things and if you've ever wondered what I might be like, well this is a little step in that direction.

So, for the past year or so, I've realized that I am completely different from my entire family. Not in an angsty teenage, "nobody understands me" kind of way, or hell, maybe it is, but I don't really share that much in common with my family, I'm just out there.

My family is very high strung and very emotional. They think with their hearts, which in many respects is a good thing, and is something that I sometimes envy. However, most of the time, they're thinking with anger and short fuses. They're all easily frustrated and quick to snap about things. They're perfectionists and demand everything in their lives be right. Everything has to be set the way they want it or they almost explode. You have to play by their rules or you're rejected.

I on the other hand am a very laid back person. I'm calmed, relaxed, even when I'm angry I'm still able to keep my cool. I think with quick logic, and although as evidenced from my earlier stories I may be a smart ass, it's never antagonistic.

My family is a very bitter family. Very cold. They scrutinize quite heavily. They find fault with my sister's grandma and her dad (my half sister, so her grandma, though I still consider her my own and my sister's dad, my stepdad) in many ways. Saying that the grand mother is very passive aggressive and snarky when they in fact are just the same way. They're very jaded people. Whenever they talk to her dad, it always escalates into some huge fight. Some fight that they always try to drag me into. But it always just seems like such a hassle so I ignore it, which bugs them to no end that I won't 'defend' them. Then whenever I talk to her dad, my step dad, they always assume that like them, I'm going to be super mad at him for something he said, when in reality, we just talk. We just have a nice friend chat like I would any other friend.

My family is very superficial. Going to absurd lengths to make sure they look good no matter where they go. Everything they have must be in style or in fashion. They must have the latest phones even when we might not have the money for it or have a need for it,  watch the latest shows that everyone else seems to be watching. All of the things in the house must look nice, not just clean, but nice, stylish.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a slob. I think things need to be clean too, but function comes above everything else. My mom likes to throw things away or get rid of them when they fall out of order with things. She wanted to get rid of the couch we have because it didn't look nice anymore and spend an extra 300 dollars getting a new one when we didn't have the money to get it. The couch is soft, you can sleep and sit on it, it did everything a couch is supposed to do. I had to adamantly argue with her to get her to back down.

The thing that stands out the most to me however is something that really shook me. Her and my sister were talking one day, and I was in the same room listening in. They were talking about somebody new that my sister had met somewhere, my older sister. They talked about how annoying of a person he was. She described him and my mom laughed saying how she hated people like that. She couldn't stand them. Why does this matter? Well, the person my sister described was someone who sounded a lot like me. I even asked about it.

I chimed in with how I'm just like that person they described and they just said, "No you're not." When I pushed on and asked how I was different, their answer was that "I just was". I kept on saying that they just described me, but they didn't want to admit to it. In the end, they got frustrated and told me to shut up, but it made me realize that they only 'love' me out of obligation. If they were to ever meet me as a stranger, they'd hate me. They only accept me because I am their family.

My family doesn't know me at all. They don't know anything major in my life that is. Sure, they could tell me what my favorite foods are and when my birthday is, but if I ever asked them anything major about myself, they wouldn't know the first thing about who I am. I on the other hand, could tell them everything about themselves. They tell me everything because they know I won't say anything and they might need advice, but in the end, I'm just a counselor to them.

I'm nothing but an investment to them. I'm a slave to their own desires. I'm the one who watches my little brother, granted, it should be some sort of an obligation to watch him since he is kin. I'm the one who must always keep the house clean and in order. I have to keep my little sister in line (though that doesn't work since she's still a little hoe that gets in trouble constantly over stupid things). I have to go to college so that I can one day get a good job and get paid well so I can support the rest of the family. That is something that's been hammered into my head since my family found out I was 'smart'. I was going to have to go to college so I could make enough money to help take care of everyone. I was going to have to get married and have kids so that I could pass on the family name and so my parents could be grandparents. Then soon after, probably die 'happy'. The American Dream right?

My plans are different though, maybe a bit naive, but they're different. I don't want to go to college like everyone says. I want to go out and do stand up comedy. That is my dream. I want to go out and labor and make money and travel. I don't want to stay out in the same place. I don't want to have kids. Now that I have this car, I'm going to work my ass off and save up money. Then I'm going to disappear. I'm not going to tell anyone, I'm just going to leave this jaded town and all it's people and leave my family. Let them disown me, I don't care. I was never able to rely on them for much more than a roof, food, water, and a little bit of clothes. For a good portion of my life, all of those things weren't even guaranteed.

I will be free. I swear on my life.

Weekend

No funny post or anything here, just a description of what I've been doing when I've been away. It has been a very eventful weekend.

On Friday, I went on a nice workout. I do a lot of cardio work, I'm trying to lose weight, but I dispersed some upper body and ab workouts as well. I do about twenty minutes of cardio, ten of upper body, ten of abs. A combination of that and cutting down significantly on my meals have already started to show some results. People have already commented on some weight loss they have been noticing. Screw workout supplements and corporate weight loss stuff. I don't need any of that, just discipline.

On Saturday, I went for a good swim instead of a workout. I feel like the swim did more for me than the standard workout. I was invited to many things that day. I was invited out to a play, but unfortunately I couldn't go because I couldn't find a ride. I got invited to go clubbing, but I hate that kind of music they play there. It's really annoying. It seems like it'd be a drag. That, and the girl that invited me already has a boyfriend so there's not much there. I was invited to go out and smoke weed, but I don't smoke at all so I had to decline that. Instead I went out to this small little coffee shop to an open mic night.

I ran into a friend that I haven't seen in years because he moved over to Japan to study there for a bit. We were both there for similar reasons, watch some local talent and try our hands at standup. He was pretty funny, I enjoyed his humor. Thanks to the feedback from all of you here, I went and decided to try out some of the things I have written here. It went over well and I want to thank you all for keeping up with my ramblings.

On Sunday, I got 'kidnapped' by this one girl who recently broke up with her boyfriend, comforted her with a couple of other friends. After that, I hung out with my friend and went to his monthly zombie awareness meeting. It was fun to chill with a bunch of nerds like me. They're a charitable group who in addition to messing around, are trying to set up a blood drive and a charity event for the victims of the crazy ass tornadoes.

After that, it was more working out for me. It was just a twenty minute long stretch of cardio, we didn't have any time for anything else.

I went back home, another friend came over, we watched some TV, found out Osama had been killed [insert obligatory Pro-American rally cry here] and soon went to bed.

That was my weekend in a nutshell, sorry I haven't been able to update like I've wanted to.

Now, I want to know more about my readers. It always seems one sided. When I read all of your blogs, it's usually about one interest of yours and that's it. Some of you do electronic reviews, some of you sports things, others internet things, but it's not really who you are. I wanna know more about you. Please, tell me more.

Thanks for the support as always!