Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Gift Basket
(Some credit goes to the comedian Gabriel Iglesias for the idea)
Last year, there was nothing but open houses. Pretty much every weekend was some kind of party, mostly in the days graduation party, at nights...well, graduation after party. It was free food every weekend, and my family could tell how popular I was just by the sheer mass of invites I received. They had no idea I had so many friends.
There were many games of volleyball played. I got really good at that game by the end of the summer. A crude bean bag toss game where there's a slanted board (probably about fourteen inches to sixteen inches long, eight to ten wide and tilted at about a twenty five degree angle) and the point is to throw a bean bag onto it and get it to stay or even better to go into a hole towards the top part of it. I got pretty decent at that game. Made so many buckets you might as well have called me Charlie! (Charlie Bucket, the kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...yeah, a very esoteric joke I suppose)
There were a couple parties that really stood out in my mind, but there was one thing that surpassed everything. That thing was the racist gift basket.
I have a black friend, he's my only black friend. Now, this isn't due to a racist or prejudice reason, I mean, hell, I am a person of tanliness, but around here, the general populace happens to be that of white like snow. Unless they tan a lot. Then in that case they're just cooked.
So just because I liked foolin' around with this guy, I decided to do a bit of shopping. I had an extra twenty dollars and I decided to make it stretch. I'm very glad everything was on sale. The list flowed as follows:
BBQ Potato Chips - 6 Pack
Funions - 2 Pack
Fried Chicken - Whole Chicken (never seen a whole fried chicken before this day)
Grape Kool-Aid - 6 Pack
Grape Soda - 12 Can Pack & 2 Liter
Watermelon Bubbleyum
The biggest watermelon I could find
Black Gentleman Quarterly - A magazine
The only thing that was missing was 40oz., but I'm not 21 so I couldn't buy it. That was all the money I had anyway and I decided it was adequate enough as was. I decided to wrap it up, everything but the watermelon, and put it in a gift bag.
I know that some of you live in other countries, but to sum up, here in America, these are the things that a stereotypical black man likes. I'm too poor to afford obnoxiously big rims/spinners for his car, can't buy fat white women, and he doesn't like hip-hop so I wasn't going to buy a CD he wasn't going to listen to, even as a joke, so that was what I was going to give him.
I finally arrived at his party, and I inconspicuously left it on the gift table; the bag in front of the watermelon. I quickly sauntered off and joined the rest of the party and started to have a fun time swimming and doing things, eating, hydrating myself, the norm. The moment soon approached when I was filling my plate with more food (I eat a lot, read back through this blog to anyone that's new and you'll see) I heard a roar of laughter. Believing I missed a joke or something, I shoved a piece of chicken in my mouth, threw some fruit on my plate and jettisoned out. I saw everyone around the table and my friend have this smile on his face. One of those smiles where he wants to laugh, but at the same time he doesn't.
I see he has just begun to go through the bag and is pulling out things one after the other. He pulls out everything, the chips, drinks, chicken, and after every time he appears speechless. Everyone snickers or laughs at what seems to be an endless bag of racist foods until he pulls out the magazine with a big black guy staring very threateningly at the camera in his picture and everyone loses it. I have the biggest smile when he looks over at me.
"I...was....", he sighs again, "Was this really all your doing? Did you buy all this?"
"Yeah, it ran me a good twenty bucks", I said after swallowing some grapes.
"A part of me doesn't want me to like this as much as I do...but I know, I know...that all of this is going to be gone by the end of the night", and he pulled me forward for a man hug.
Best 20 dollars I had ever spent.
Last year, there was nothing but open houses. Pretty much every weekend was some kind of party, mostly in the days graduation party, at nights...well, graduation after party. It was free food every weekend, and my family could tell how popular I was just by the sheer mass of invites I received. They had no idea I had so many friends.
There were many games of volleyball played. I got really good at that game by the end of the summer. A crude bean bag toss game where there's a slanted board (probably about fourteen inches to sixteen inches long, eight to ten wide and tilted at about a twenty five degree angle) and the point is to throw a bean bag onto it and get it to stay or even better to go into a hole towards the top part of it. I got pretty decent at that game. Made so many buckets you might as well have called me Charlie! (Charlie Bucket, the kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...yeah, a very esoteric joke I suppose)
There were a couple parties that really stood out in my mind, but there was one thing that surpassed everything. That thing was the racist gift basket.
I have a black friend, he's my only black friend. Now, this isn't due to a racist or prejudice reason, I mean, hell, I am a person of tanliness, but around here, the general populace happens to be that of white like snow. Unless they tan a lot. Then in that case they're just cooked.
So just because I liked foolin' around with this guy, I decided to do a bit of shopping. I had an extra twenty dollars and I decided to make it stretch. I'm very glad everything was on sale. The list flowed as follows:
BBQ Potato Chips - 6 Pack
Funions - 2 Pack
Fried Chicken - Whole Chicken (never seen a whole fried chicken before this day)
Grape Kool-Aid - 6 Pack
Grape Soda - 12 Can Pack & 2 Liter
Watermelon Bubbleyum
The biggest watermelon I could find
Black Gentleman Quarterly - A magazine
The only thing that was missing was 40oz., but I'm not 21 so I couldn't buy it. That was all the money I had anyway and I decided it was adequate enough as was. I decided to wrap it up, everything but the watermelon, and put it in a gift bag.
I know that some of you live in other countries, but to sum up, here in America, these are the things that a stereotypical black man likes. I'm too poor to afford obnoxiously big rims/spinners for his car, can't buy fat white women, and he doesn't like hip-hop so I wasn't going to buy a CD he wasn't going to listen to, even as a joke, so that was what I was going to give him.
I finally arrived at his party, and I inconspicuously left it on the gift table; the bag in front of the watermelon. I quickly sauntered off and joined the rest of the party and started to have a fun time swimming and doing things, eating, hydrating myself, the norm. The moment soon approached when I was filling my plate with more food (I eat a lot, read back through this blog to anyone that's new and you'll see) I heard a roar of laughter. Believing I missed a joke or something, I shoved a piece of chicken in my mouth, threw some fruit on my plate and jettisoned out. I saw everyone around the table and my friend have this smile on his face. One of those smiles where he wants to laugh, but at the same time he doesn't.
I see he has just begun to go through the bag and is pulling out things one after the other. He pulls out everything, the chips, drinks, chicken, and after every time he appears speechless. Everyone snickers or laughs at what seems to be an endless bag of racist foods until he pulls out the magazine with a big black guy staring very threateningly at the camera in his picture and everyone loses it. I have the biggest smile when he looks over at me.
"I...was....", he sighs again, "Was this really all your doing? Did you buy all this?"
"Yeah, it ran me a good twenty bucks", I said after swallowing some grapes.
"A part of me doesn't want me to like this as much as I do...but I know, I know...that all of this is going to be gone by the end of the night", and he pulled me forward for a man hug.
Best 20 dollars I had ever spent.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Shortstack Destruction
My friend Scott and I were recently at a local eatery. It's a place called Royal Diner. Nice atmosphere, pretty good food at decent prices depending on what you're getting. It's usually one of the only places that is open 24/7 so when we're out at 3AM and we're hungry, we'll go to this place to get a bite to eat.
So this night, my friend Scott and I were really hungry, the whole point of going to a restaurant. We were both oddly feeling up for pancakes, so that's what we ordered. We were determined to destroy those short stacks. Force them down into our gullets and satisfy the craving for sweetened starches. There was something that made this particular trip amazing.
There was two girls sitting in a booth adjacent to ours. One of the girls was the talker, evidenced by her excessive spouting of crap that dribbled down her mouth. Not saying I'm not any better with these walls of texts, but there is a difference between this woman and me. The other one was the listener. Now, I'm not sure if she was actually processing everything that the other girl was saying or just in her own little world, but not matter what the Talker said, she would always just nod, or agree, though sometimes quite enthusiastically.
So this girl had one of those air headed, know nothing voices. You know the one. I usually just drown those out, but I heard one sentence that caught my ear.
"Yeah, so, like, I don't know why people never trust me with relationship or fucking advice", fucking used here as sexual intercourse
"I mean, I'm like walking herpies, I know about all this shit"
"Yeah, I know girl, I totally agree."
At this point, I stopped mid bite and my ears perked up. It was so sudden that Scott even noticed. He asked what was up and I motioned for him to listen to the conversation behind him unfold.
"Yeah, I wish people would listen to me. I got these flare ups fuckin' around. I know what the hell I'm doing. Like Lisa, she, like, never, ever listen to me."
Well maybe that's because you just referenced yourself as walking herpies. Maybe this is just me, but I probably wouldn't trust anyone who dubs themselves as that. Maybe I'm crazy though. Either that or this is some crazy new age vernacular that I haven't caught onto yet.
I laughed for a bit so I missed on what transitioned into what I heard next, but the next topic was about people she hates.
"-cking bitch Trish. God, she's with that dick head Al. I hope she gets crabs and dies."
I really hope she was talking about the actual crabs and this girl is allergic to shellfish because there was something terribly wrong with that sentence.
"For real girl. You, like, speak the truth. This is why I hang out with you and not those fake bitches Chelse and -"
"Wait, I just got a new update on my facebook. Oh my god, Tyler has been trying to hit on me and get into my pants."
"Oh. My. God. No. Way."
"Yeah. I think I might let him have a bit of nookie ya know? He'll be getting a big surprise in the morning", I snorted into my food and I tried to stifle my laughter. Then I felt bad for this poor bastard he's going to get from the herpies tank.
"Yeah, cause I ain't bringing condoms. That's up to the guy, girls should never be responsible for that. He wants to contend this, he better be packing some heat. I ain't gonna be labeled a slut."
Yes. Because being called a slut is a whole lot worse than being labeled as walking herpies. With how hard I was laughing, it was like I couldn't even taste the short stacks anymore. The stupidity of the conversation overshadowed any taste the pancakes could've made.
I left a large tip just because the waitress sat us next to those girls. It was definitely a good night.
[Joke of the night: Magic Apples]
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
So this night, my friend Scott and I were really hungry, the whole point of going to a restaurant. We were both oddly feeling up for pancakes, so that's what we ordered. We were determined to destroy those short stacks. Force them down into our gullets and satisfy the craving for sweetened starches. There was something that made this particular trip amazing.
There was two girls sitting in a booth adjacent to ours. One of the girls was the talker, evidenced by her excessive spouting of crap that dribbled down her mouth. Not saying I'm not any better with these walls of texts, but there is a difference between this woman and me. The other one was the listener. Now, I'm not sure if she was actually processing everything that the other girl was saying or just in her own little world, but not matter what the Talker said, she would always just nod, or agree, though sometimes quite enthusiastically.
So this girl had one of those air headed, know nothing voices. You know the one. I usually just drown those out, but I heard one sentence that caught my ear.
"Yeah, so, like, I don't know why people never trust me with relationship or fucking advice", fucking used here as sexual intercourse
"I mean, I'm like walking herpies, I know about all this shit"
"Yeah, I know girl, I totally agree."
At this point, I stopped mid bite and my ears perked up. It was so sudden that Scott even noticed. He asked what was up and I motioned for him to listen to the conversation behind him unfold.
"Yeah, I wish people would listen to me. I got these flare ups fuckin' around. I know what the hell I'm doing. Like Lisa, she, like, never, ever listen to me."
Well maybe that's because you just referenced yourself as walking herpies. Maybe this is just me, but I probably wouldn't trust anyone who dubs themselves as that. Maybe I'm crazy though. Either that or this is some crazy new age vernacular that I haven't caught onto yet.
I laughed for a bit so I missed on what transitioned into what I heard next, but the next topic was about people she hates.
"-cking bitch Trish. God, she's with that dick head Al. I hope she gets crabs and dies."
I really hope she was talking about the actual crabs and this girl is allergic to shellfish because there was something terribly wrong with that sentence.
"For real girl. You, like, speak the truth. This is why I hang out with you and not those fake bitches Chelse and -"
"Wait, I just got a new update on my facebook. Oh my god, Tyler has been trying to hit on me and get into my pants."
"Oh. My. God. No. Way."
"Yeah. I think I might let him have a bit of nookie ya know? He'll be getting a big surprise in the morning", I snorted into my food and I tried to stifle my laughter. Then I felt bad for this poor bastard he's going to get from the herpies tank.
"Yeah, cause I ain't bringing condoms. That's up to the guy, girls should never be responsible for that. He wants to contend this, he better be packing some heat. I ain't gonna be labeled a slut."
Yes. Because being called a slut is a whole lot worse than being labeled as walking herpies. With how hard I was laughing, it was like I couldn't even taste the short stacks anymore. The stupidity of the conversation overshadowed any taste the pancakes could've made.
I left a large tip just because the waitress sat us next to those girls. It was definitely a good night.
[Joke of the night: Magic Apples]
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
Monday, July 18, 2011
Recently, I have been out and about lately. Got a job, working out, partying. It's been a busy couple of weeks, especially the job searching. While I have felt bad about neglecting my blog, while I was out, I have been able to do somethings that are worth noting here. I got some new stories to tell.
So I was at an open house and I ended up seeing a girl who I haven't seen awhile. She's cute, at least in my opinion. I've known her for a long time, about six years, but we haven't really ever hung out together. She lives way on the other side of town and out of reach from me on a bike.
We talk every now and then through texts and facebook, but never anything beyond that. She's a sweet girl, strange, and has an amazing sense of dark humor which are traits I find quite intriguing. A very different way of thinking that girl, very eclectic, which I have in common. I love talking to people with strange minds and odd ways of thinking; makes for much better conversation, and is much more endearing in my opinion.
So considering I actually got to meet her in person, it was nice being able to actually flirt and be able to touch her in person. In my opinion, it's a lost easier and more effective to do it in person. As the night goes on, she starts saying....something. It sounds very seductive, I can tell that much from her inflection, but I can't understand what it is she's saying because it's in German. By the way, I don't speak German.
However, pretty much everyone else spoke German. So they all knew exactly what she was saying. They were fluent. They just didn't feel like telling me about this until after she left. They started to make fun of me for it, but it's not like I could know.
Then came the second party.
After another day of turning in job applications I decided I would hang out with my friend Chris. It had been awhile since I had done so. I went over, only to find that I went at the exact same time as a party was happening. His brother was back in town and so decided to throw a party. My timing was great.
As I started to chill out and start a fire with everyone, guess who I saw walk into the party. If you thought Betty White, you're crazy and are terribly wrong. If you thought the German speaking girl, you are quite correct. Alternatively, if you said a creepy girl who likes to lick people's faces, rub her face on other people's faces while purring like a cat and bites people, as well as some other.... unsettling traits, then you are oddly specific but also correct.
So, this time around, my game was off. It is very, very hard to hit and flirt with a girl when another girl is hanging all over you. I gotta say, when I get cock blocked by a guy, it's very easy to get around. I don't make a big scene or anything, don't get all weepy and dejected, I just continue to be confident and be me. Usually my natural charisma will charm anyone be it guy or girl, although girls will be actually attracted and guys will find me as a cool guy.
Getting cock blocked by a girl though...That is something I'm not prepared for. I do not know how to handle trying to flirt with one girl when there's another girl hanging all over me...licking my face....biting and gnawing into my shoulder...running her hand up my thigh....
Most of my friends when I told this story asked why I didn't just try and get with this girl. Well, I don't really like her personality so much, not much at all. That, and I just don't find her very attractive. A couple of my friends have said, "Well, if it was an attractive girl you wouldn't mind", which also isn't very true. I don't like anyone touching my face. So a girl I don't like all that much licking my face just freaks me right the fuck out. And again, makes it very hard to flirt with another girl. All in all, it wasn't a very fruitful night.
Then came the girl I was texting, a completely different girl. It's a girl I haven't hung out in awhile, so being I now have a car, I was going to ask if she wanted to hang out. Here's how the conversation generally played out.
[Me]: Hey, how's it going?
{Her}: Pretty good. I miss you :) How are you doing?
[Me]: Haha, I miss you too. I'm doing well. You wanna hang out?
{Her}: I can't, I'm going to go out to eat with my family and then we're going to see Harry Potter
[Me]: Aw, I'd love to go out to eat and see Harry Potter. I'm jelly! That sounds great.
[Me]: You think you can hang out after?
{Her}: No, I can't. We're going to be getting home kinda late and we have to wake up at 5am to go to a birthday party for my cousin.
[Me]: Oh, I LOVE waking up ridiculously early to go to birthday parties!
[Me]: Okay, so I'm a liar lol
Now, watch this huge leap of logic here. See if you can keep up.
{Her}: Are you trying to say you wanna be with me?
See what I mean? I had no idea where the hell she got this idea, but apparently, she got that in her mind and it was mind boggling. So, I decided to try and defuse the situation. I wasn't sure if she meant be with her and hang out, or be with her as in be her boyfriend.
[Me]: Well, I wanna hang out with you...but I don't wanna be WITH you.
{Her}: Well fine, I'd hate to be in a relationship with you too.
At this point, I could tell I was not going to make any head room. She was quite a stubborn girl sometimes and now that she had this stuck in her mind, there was no way this was going to end well. I didn't want to ask what brought this one, or how she got this in her mind so I just tried to just let this one go.
[Me]: Okay.
Simple, easy. Just kinda shrugging it off. Not the dick, douche baggy, "k". I wasn't going to give her anything to work with at this point. I find that when it comes to anger, someone can only continue to be angry at someone who gives them fuel with emotion. If you just shrug it off, it'd be like trying to push yourself off of a curtain. Useless.
{Her}: I'm very angry at you.
[Me]: Okay. I just hope that your anger at me doesn't stop you from enjoying Harry Potter.
It was very hard for me to not be sarcastic at that point and say something like, "Well, I hope your 'righteous' fury doesn't prevent you from enjoying being immersed in the magical world of Harry Potter. It would be such a pity if you were so blindly furious at me that you couldn't enjoy the thrilling conclusion of the series. You might actually have to spend more money to see it again! Or even worse, read the book! Gasp!". I figured that'd be bad though.
{Her}: Fuck you and all the guys like you.
I was confused about what the hell that was supposed to mean, but I decided enough was enough and just didn't respond.
Well, here's one for returning. I shall be diligent in following you all and supporting you once more.
Oh, and in case none of that was funny, I'll depart with a joke that I heard.
When I was a kid, my grammar was so bad that I got trapped at the bottom of a good.
So I was at an open house and I ended up seeing a girl who I haven't seen awhile. She's cute, at least in my opinion. I've known her for a long time, about six years, but we haven't really ever hung out together. She lives way on the other side of town and out of reach from me on a bike.
We talk every now and then through texts and facebook, but never anything beyond that. She's a sweet girl, strange, and has an amazing sense of dark humor which are traits I find quite intriguing. A very different way of thinking that girl, very eclectic, which I have in common. I love talking to people with strange minds and odd ways of thinking; makes for much better conversation, and is much more endearing in my opinion.
So considering I actually got to meet her in person, it was nice being able to actually flirt and be able to touch her in person. In my opinion, it's a lost easier and more effective to do it in person. As the night goes on, she starts saying....something. It sounds very seductive, I can tell that much from her inflection, but I can't understand what it is she's saying because it's in German. By the way, I don't speak German.
However, pretty much everyone else spoke German. So they all knew exactly what she was saying. They were fluent. They just didn't feel like telling me about this until after she left. They started to make fun of me for it, but it's not like I could know.
Then came the second party.
After another day of turning in job applications I decided I would hang out with my friend Chris. It had been awhile since I had done so. I went over, only to find that I went at the exact same time as a party was happening. His brother was back in town and so decided to throw a party. My timing was great.
As I started to chill out and start a fire with everyone, guess who I saw walk into the party. If you thought Betty White, you're crazy and are terribly wrong. If you thought the German speaking girl, you are quite correct. Alternatively, if you said a creepy girl who likes to lick people's faces, rub her face on other people's faces while purring like a cat and bites people, as well as some other.... unsettling traits, then you are oddly specific but also correct.
So, this time around, my game was off. It is very, very hard to hit and flirt with a girl when another girl is hanging all over you. I gotta say, when I get cock blocked by a guy, it's very easy to get around. I don't make a big scene or anything, don't get all weepy and dejected, I just continue to be confident and be me. Usually my natural charisma will charm anyone be it guy or girl, although girls will be actually attracted and guys will find me as a cool guy.
Getting cock blocked by a girl though...That is something I'm not prepared for. I do not know how to handle trying to flirt with one girl when there's another girl hanging all over me...licking my face....biting and gnawing into my shoulder...running her hand up my thigh....
Most of my friends when I told this story asked why I didn't just try and get with this girl. Well, I don't really like her personality so much, not much at all. That, and I just don't find her very attractive. A couple of my friends have said, "Well, if it was an attractive girl you wouldn't mind", which also isn't very true. I don't like anyone touching my face. So a girl I don't like all that much licking my face just freaks me right the fuck out. And again, makes it very hard to flirt with another girl. All in all, it wasn't a very fruitful night.
Then came the girl I was texting, a completely different girl. It's a girl I haven't hung out in awhile, so being I now have a car, I was going to ask if she wanted to hang out. Here's how the conversation generally played out.
[Me]: Hey, how's it going?
{Her}: Pretty good. I miss you :) How are you doing?
[Me]: Haha, I miss you too. I'm doing well. You wanna hang out?
{Her}: I can't, I'm going to go out to eat with my family and then we're going to see Harry Potter
[Me]: Aw, I'd love to go out to eat and see Harry Potter. I'm jelly! That sounds great.
[Me]: You think you can hang out after?
{Her}: No, I can't. We're going to be getting home kinda late and we have to wake up at 5am to go to a birthday party for my cousin.
[Me]: Oh, I LOVE waking up ridiculously early to go to birthday parties!
[Me]: Okay, so I'm a liar lol
Now, watch this huge leap of logic here. See if you can keep up.
{Her}: Are you trying to say you wanna be with me?
See what I mean? I had no idea where the hell she got this idea, but apparently, she got that in her mind and it was mind boggling. So, I decided to try and defuse the situation. I wasn't sure if she meant be with her and hang out, or be with her as in be her boyfriend.
[Me]: Well, I wanna hang out with you...but I don't wanna be WITH you.
{Her}: Well fine, I'd hate to be in a relationship with you too.
At this point, I could tell I was not going to make any head room. She was quite a stubborn girl sometimes and now that she had this stuck in her mind, there was no way this was going to end well. I didn't want to ask what brought this one, or how she got this in her mind so I just tried to just let this one go.
[Me]: Okay.
Simple, easy. Just kinda shrugging it off. Not the dick, douche baggy, "k". I wasn't going to give her anything to work with at this point. I find that when it comes to anger, someone can only continue to be angry at someone who gives them fuel with emotion. If you just shrug it off, it'd be like trying to push yourself off of a curtain. Useless.
{Her}: I'm very angry at you.
[Me]: Okay. I just hope that your anger at me doesn't stop you from enjoying Harry Potter.
It was very hard for me to not be sarcastic at that point and say something like, "Well, I hope your 'righteous' fury doesn't prevent you from enjoying being immersed in the magical world of Harry Potter. It would be such a pity if you were so blindly furious at me that you couldn't enjoy the thrilling conclusion of the series. You might actually have to spend more money to see it again! Or even worse, read the book! Gasp!". I figured that'd be bad though.
{Her}: Fuck you and all the guys like you.
I was confused about what the hell that was supposed to mean, but I decided enough was enough and just didn't respond.
Well, here's one for returning. I shall be diligent in following you all and supporting you once more.
Oh, and in case none of that was funny, I'll depart with a joke that I heard.
When I was a kid, my grammar was so bad that I got trapped at the bottom of a good.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Sex Shop
Here's a story that just happened today! Fresh! New! Hip! Trendy! ETC! Anyway, this just happened today, so it's fresh in my mind. Ironically, it probably won't be as long as my other usual stories, so...here goes.
Just like a lot of my other stories, I gotta provide a bit of background. So I've been hangin' out with this girl lately, she is a potentially datable girl, but who knows, we'll see. So this girl and I were hanging out one day, and I was telling her about my uncle and my aunt's respective bachelor and bachelorette parties (spoiler alert: That's going to be tomorrow's entry). My aunt's party involved a penis cake, I won't go into detail now, but let's just say the penis cake was rather...extravagant.
So this girl and I were talking about how when we hook up next, we should bake a penis cake. I thought it was a joke, but this was seriousness. We were going to go out, buy the mold, bake it, fill the middle with 'cream' and chow down. I really hope she didn't think I was gay when I agreed to this.
So there's a sex shop, but relative to where I live, it's a far ways away by bike. I don't have a car (yet), and she isn't old enough to go into the shop (She's 17, I'm 19. Just thought I'd throw that one out there). So I decided to ask my friend if I could borrow his car to go up there. This is mostly cause he doesn't get to use his car because he doesn't have his license. I have mine, but no car. I'll drive him places, I'll borrow the car from time to time, it works.
On a side note, my friend is gay. Quite gay. In case you're getting the wrong idea, I got nothing against those of the homosex. However, strolling into the sex shop together with someone who is quite gay got me a few weird glances.
I'm assuming at first, most people didn't want to assume anything, maybe we were just lookin' for some gag gifts or something. Maybe we both were going to get some porn. But without thinking about it, we both strolled over to the women's section of the store immediately and started to look at the dick shaped things. Bypassed everything, but just went to the dick section. When I go to buy anything, I like to go in, get what I need, and get out...which that last sentence seems a bit ironic thinking about where I was...
While we were looking, I found something that I found particularly humorous. There were a wall of various dildos. Although I did not stop and linger, I did glance at them. The thing I found weirdly funny was that the white dildo, 8' long. Brown dildo, 8½' long. The black dildo was 6' long. Now, I wouldn't know personally, but according to stereotypes, there was something quite inaccurate about that. I started cracking up very loudly in the middle of store, probably a bit ridiculously, and more eyes turned to look at the weird brown kid with his gay friend laughing at dildos.
Then I saw the price of the penis mold. Twenty dollars. Twenty dollars just so someone can bake a dick shaped cake. After that, I serious'd the fuck up. I called up my girly friend.
"Hey, bad news, I can't get the penis cake"
"Awww, why not?"
"It's twenty dollars. I only brought fifteen"
I figured telling her I was short money would bypass the, "I'm cheap and don't wanna pay twenty dollars for penis cake mold" and then her impending, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase buy it" thing that would be inevitable.
Oh well, if she wants penis, she knows where she can find one haha.
Just like a lot of my other stories, I gotta provide a bit of background. So I've been hangin' out with this girl lately, she is a potentially datable girl, but who knows, we'll see. So this girl and I were hanging out one day, and I was telling her about my uncle and my aunt's respective bachelor and bachelorette parties (spoiler alert: That's going to be tomorrow's entry). My aunt's party involved a penis cake, I won't go into detail now, but let's just say the penis cake was rather...extravagant.
So this girl and I were talking about how when we hook up next, we should bake a penis cake. I thought it was a joke, but this was seriousness. We were going to go out, buy the mold, bake it, fill the middle with 'cream' and chow down. I really hope she didn't think I was gay when I agreed to this.
So there's a sex shop, but relative to where I live, it's a far ways away by bike. I don't have a car (yet), and she isn't old enough to go into the shop (She's 17, I'm 19. Just thought I'd throw that one out there). So I decided to ask my friend if I could borrow his car to go up there. This is mostly cause he doesn't get to use his car because he doesn't have his license. I have mine, but no car. I'll drive him places, I'll borrow the car from time to time, it works.
On a side note, my friend is gay. Quite gay. In case you're getting the wrong idea, I got nothing against those of the homosex. However, strolling into the sex shop together with someone who is quite gay got me a few weird glances.
I'm assuming at first, most people didn't want to assume anything, maybe we were just lookin' for some gag gifts or something. Maybe we both were going to get some porn. But without thinking about it, we both strolled over to the women's section of the store immediately and started to look at the dick shaped things. Bypassed everything, but just went to the dick section. When I go to buy anything, I like to go in, get what I need, and get out...which that last sentence seems a bit ironic thinking about where I was...
While we were looking, I found something that I found particularly humorous. There were a wall of various dildos. Although I did not stop and linger, I did glance at them. The thing I found weirdly funny was that the white dildo, 8' long. Brown dildo, 8½' long. The black dildo was 6' long. Now, I wouldn't know personally, but according to stereotypes, there was something quite inaccurate about that. I started cracking up very loudly in the middle of store, probably a bit ridiculously, and more eyes turned to look at the weird brown kid with his gay friend laughing at dildos.
Then I saw the price of the penis mold. Twenty dollars. Twenty dollars just so someone can bake a dick shaped cake. After that, I serious'd the fuck up. I called up my girly friend.
"Hey, bad news, I can't get the penis cake"
"Awww, why not?"
"It's twenty dollars. I only brought fifteen"
I figured telling her I was short money would bypass the, "I'm cheap and don't wanna pay twenty dollars for penis cake mold" and then her impending, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase buy it" thing that would be inevitable.
Oh well, if she wants penis, she knows where she can find one haha.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Prank Phone Calls
Prank phone calls. Classic little prank that many teenagers have done whether it be to friends, family, or even complete strangers. I am no exception to this. However, with the advent of cell phones and caller ID, it has seemed to really have lost its luster, but there have been a couple of golden moments in my life that prank calling went above and beyond the expected results.
One such occurrence happened a little more than a month ago actually. While I didn't make the actual call and had no direct involvement, I was somewhat related to the incident. I went to a local concert for a couple friends who were all in a band together. I missed their first show but I wanted to make sure to catch their next one. So I left that evening eager to go see them...without my cell phone (gasp!)
My mom happens to be a paranoid type who wants to make sure I am where I say I am. She likes to call me quite often to make sure I'm not out doing crack, meth, oxidide, Mexican Speedball, heroine, weed, salvia, Bacardi 151 and...well, you get the idea. Oh, and she doesn't trust me to not go out and have crazy orgies with hookers. I may be exaggerating a bit, but this is just to give you a better idea that she is more 'motherly' in that sense than most.
So I leave without my phone and don't think anything of it. I'm not too attached to my cell like I know most people are. I usually don't text unless it's a girly I like that I'm chattin' up, I'm trying to make plans with some friends and establishing the parameters of what's going down and how, or unless someone texted me first. Calls are a bit neglected cause nobody likes to talk much anymore, but I digress.
While I'm having fun at the concert, something much more sinister is at work...
My mom calls my phone. No response.
She calls it again. No response.
Once more the phone rings and due to me not being even in the same town much less in the vicinity of my phone...she gets no response.
Finally, she gets a phone call back from what seems to be my phone.
"_____! Why haven't you been picking up your phone?!"
"Don't worry about it"
"What!? What the fuck are you talking about!?"
"Shut up. Stop calling. I don't want to talk to you ever again. Don't bother looking for me. You don't want to know what I'm about to do"
[click]
At this point, my mom snaps and she's furious. She's flown off the deep end and she calls my phone in rapid succession at this point. When I got home and saw all the calls, there was 31 calls from her alone. At some point, she tried to trick 'me' and had other people whose number I didn't have to see if I would pick up, which again, I couldn't do.
So how did she get this call you may be wondering?
Apparently my sister has an application on her phone that lets her disguise her number as another one. So she disguised her number with mine and muffled her voice a bit to sound like mine. In my mother's frustration and worry, she fell for it.
My mom was on the war path. She was about ready to get in the car, go down to where I said I was going to be, find me, and kick my ass in front of everyone without me knowing what was happening. I'm glad my sister owned up to her prank and came clean. I didn't find out about any of this until after I got back hours later. As much as I don't like my little sister, I had to hand it to her, that was smart.
Now let's rewind a bit back to New Years Day. A lot happened on that night that I might recap on later, but I'll try and stay on topic. I was spending it with some of my best friends and at around two o'clock, we got a bit bored. So we whipped out the phone and started dialin' some numbers.
One friend that was called was completely immune to it. I thought that with his funny attitude on things, he might have proved for an entertaining phone call, but it seemed he just remained indifferent to it. Just answered with a lot of 'Yeah's. That was a lost cause. However, we got a priceless reaction from one person.
My friend's cousin was dialed up. We handed it to my other friend Corey. He was the best one to give prank phone calls out of us all. He made multiple personas and used them all accordingly and perfectly. For this, he decided to be Jackie Treehorn.
"Hello?"
"Yo man, it's Jackie. I'm sick of fuckin' waitin'. Where the hell's my money?"
"What're you talking abou-"
"You know perfectly well what the hell I'm talking about. I'm tired of bein' nice and I'm done playin' around. I want my mutha fuckin' money"
"Listen man, yo-"
"No! You listen. If I don't get my money soon, I'ma find you and it ain't gonna be pretty. And-"
"You wanna come at me with that weak ass shit homie!? I don't even fuckin' know you, but if you come at me I will fucking cut you from ear to ear!", now it was "Jackie"'s turn to be cut off, "I will fucking kill you if you step up to me with that shit you hear me homie!?"
After a couple moments of this, my friend tried to apologize realizing he just opened up a can of mad shit storm, "Hey man, listen, it was just a jo-"
"No! It's my turn to talk now bitch. I don't owe nobody nothin' but if you want it, come and try fuckin' takin' it."
"Hey, man, I'm sorr-"
"You're fuckin' right you're sorry! If I ever see your ass up over here I swear on my mother's grave I will put you in more pain then you can imagine. I will kill you", by that time, I think we got the point that he was going to kill him, "don't you dare come near me"
[click]
We had no idea what had happened, but we laughed about it quite hard. We really got that guy good. It was definitely the high point of the night.
Quick bonus story: We also used the Jackie Treehorn personality to trick one of our really high friends into believing that his grandma was going to get kidnapped unless he got donuts. They were quite delicious.
One such occurrence happened a little more than a month ago actually. While I didn't make the actual call and had no direct involvement, I was somewhat related to the incident. I went to a local concert for a couple friends who were all in a band together. I missed their first show but I wanted to make sure to catch their next one. So I left that evening eager to go see them...without my cell phone (gasp!)
My mom happens to be a paranoid type who wants to make sure I am where I say I am. She likes to call me quite often to make sure I'm not out doing crack, meth, oxidide, Mexican Speedball, heroine, weed, salvia, Bacardi 151 and...well, you get the idea. Oh, and she doesn't trust me to not go out and have crazy orgies with hookers. I may be exaggerating a bit, but this is just to give you a better idea that she is more 'motherly' in that sense than most.
So I leave without my phone and don't think anything of it. I'm not too attached to my cell like I know most people are. I usually don't text unless it's a girly I like that I'm chattin' up, I'm trying to make plans with some friends and establishing the parameters of what's going down and how, or unless someone texted me first. Calls are a bit neglected cause nobody likes to talk much anymore, but I digress.
While I'm having fun at the concert, something much more sinister is at work...
My mom calls my phone. No response.
She calls it again. No response.
Once more the phone rings and due to me not being even in the same town much less in the vicinity of my phone...she gets no response.
Finally, she gets a phone call back from what seems to be my phone.
"_____! Why haven't you been picking up your phone?!"
"Don't worry about it"
"What!? What the fuck are you talking about!?"
"Shut up. Stop calling. I don't want to talk to you ever again. Don't bother looking for me. You don't want to know what I'm about to do"
[click]
At this point, my mom snaps and she's furious. She's flown off the deep end and she calls my phone in rapid succession at this point. When I got home and saw all the calls, there was 31 calls from her alone. At some point, she tried to trick 'me' and had other people whose number I didn't have to see if I would pick up, which again, I couldn't do.
So how did she get this call you may be wondering?
Apparently my sister has an application on her phone that lets her disguise her number as another one. So she disguised her number with mine and muffled her voice a bit to sound like mine. In my mother's frustration and worry, she fell for it.
My mom was on the war path. She was about ready to get in the car, go down to where I said I was going to be, find me, and kick my ass in front of everyone without me knowing what was happening. I'm glad my sister owned up to her prank and came clean. I didn't find out about any of this until after I got back hours later. As much as I don't like my little sister, I had to hand it to her, that was smart.
Now let's rewind a bit back to New Years Day. A lot happened on that night that I might recap on later, but I'll try and stay on topic. I was spending it with some of my best friends and at around two o'clock, we got a bit bored. So we whipped out the phone and started dialin' some numbers.
One friend that was called was completely immune to it. I thought that with his funny attitude on things, he might have proved for an entertaining phone call, but it seemed he just remained indifferent to it. Just answered with a lot of 'Yeah's. That was a lost cause. However, we got a priceless reaction from one person.
My friend's cousin was dialed up. We handed it to my other friend Corey. He was the best one to give prank phone calls out of us all. He made multiple personas and used them all accordingly and perfectly. For this, he decided to be Jackie Treehorn.
"Hello?"
"Yo man, it's Jackie. I'm sick of fuckin' waitin'. Where the hell's my money?"
"What're you talking abou-"
"You know perfectly well what the hell I'm talking about. I'm tired of bein' nice and I'm done playin' around. I want my mutha fuckin' money"
"Listen man, yo-"
"No! You listen. If I don't get my money soon, I'ma find you and it ain't gonna be pretty. And-"
"You wanna come at me with that weak ass shit homie!? I don't even fuckin' know you, but if you come at me I will fucking cut you from ear to ear!", now it was "Jackie"'s turn to be cut off, "I will fucking kill you if you step up to me with that shit you hear me homie!?"
After a couple moments of this, my friend tried to apologize realizing he just opened up a can of mad shit storm, "Hey man, listen, it was just a jo-"
"No! It's my turn to talk now bitch. I don't owe nobody nothin' but if you want it, come and try fuckin' takin' it."
"Hey, man, I'm sorr-"
"You're fuckin' right you're sorry! If I ever see your ass up over here I swear on my mother's grave I will put you in more pain then you can imagine. I will kill you", by that time, I think we got the point that he was going to kill him, "don't you dare come near me"
[click]
We had no idea what had happened, but we laughed about it quite hard. We really got that guy good. It was definitely the high point of the night.
Quick bonus story: We also used the Jackie Treehorn personality to trick one of our really high friends into believing that his grandma was going to get kidnapped unless he got donuts. They were quite delicious.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Super Smash Bros.
Well, I'm a huge gamer nerd, and as such, I've been watching a lot of G4TV in order to catch all the coverage of E3. So far, I'm very impressed with a lot of the strides that the industry has been making with special regards to the new Wii U and how developers are reacting to the technology in the Kinect. Some of the most relevant information that just made me giddy were the unveiling of many of the new 3DS games. I bought that thing a week after it came out, and I have to say I was impressed with it. The 3D certainly expanded my views on it; thought it was going to be gimmicky.
So while games like a revamped StarFox 3D and Luigi's Mansion 2 are games that really piqued my interest, what really made me squee was the information that they're finally getting around to making a handheld, portable version of Super Smash Bros. I've loved the series and its unique approach to the fighter genre and I've always wanted them to make one that you could take with you ever since the GBA.
For those of you who don't play video games and have no idea what I'm talking about, this is a summarized version of Super Smash Bros. (now going to be abbreviated to SSB). This game boasts a large roster of characters that you can choose from that are all (save for two characters in the latest installment) intellectual properties of Nintendo. They range from very well known characters like Mario and Pikachu to lesser known characters like the Ice Climbers and Marth. The point of the game is to smack around a foe or foes until you can smack them off the screen of play and thus lose a life. There is no HP, instead, there's damage percentages. The higher the percentage, the more likely that they can be hit off the stage.
So this got me thinking about a lot of my experiences with my game. I remember when I was a cocky little kid, I think it was in about sixth grade, and I got invited to my first birthday party (I wasn't a very popular little one). We went to a local football game but afterward headed back to the birthday kids house and booted up Super Smash Bros. Melee. I figured being I was the most likely to be the gaming nerd, I would be the best.
I started bragging about how good I was and how everyone was going down. E'erbody gonna die. They all just laughed and told me to prove it. They all picked characters I had thought were shitty and I picked a character I thought was amazing, Roy. It turned out, they were A LOT better than me. I got my asked kicked so hard. They employed shield dodges and just about every single attack of mine missed. Then they followed it up with a flurry of attacks and I would die. Easily.
I was usually the first person to die and they mocked me. I guess I deserved it, but I hated losing, and so I started the training montage. Long story short, I got better really fast just to kick their asses, and did. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's losing. While I'm not a poor sport, I'm very, very competitive.
Then came the time in my Super Smash career when I entered tournaments. One tournament I will never forget. I was in the final round for Super Smash Bros. Brawl against another kid. I picked a character named Marth. He's quick, his range isn't too bad, and he's a pretty good aerial fighter. Good at jumping, nimble, and though his attacks aren't that damaging, they are quick to add up. My opponent picked Zero Suit Samus. Her description is quite similar to Marth's, except she doesn't have too good of a midrange game. She's good at long range and good at short range. I figured I had the advantage until the game told us what level we would play.
Big Blue.
If you don't play videogames and you're still reading this, let me explain. This is a shitty level. Remember how I said that if you go off the screen you die? Well this level has moving platforms that will eventually move off the stage. If you stay on it too long, you die. The ground is hard to explain, but for the most part, if you hit the ground, you automatically get sent off the stage and you die. Not only all of this, but most of the platforms are quite small and easy to get knocked off. While there is a lot of platforms, getting thrown onto the ground below them is quite common and quite an easy way to win. It was going to be a tricky battle.
We both hold our ground quite well. We trade blows back and forth. I try to stay out of her range and attack from the outside, but she was good at moving back in and dealing some good amounts of damage. We played with five lives each, and it seemed like everyone one of my lives that she killed, I would take one of hers. An even match.
Then came the moment we each had one life left. We fought valiantly and hard. We were both meticulous in our execution now more than ever. If we left the slightest opening, we could be instantly sent to the ground below and die. I tried to bait and tackle my opponent at one point. I jumped onto a platform as it was moving away hoping my opponent would chase me and I would easily knock them to the ground or at least away. They had anticipated that however. They dodged my attack in mid air and landed beside me.
They were able to attack me a couple of times and I was able to retaliate in an effective manner, but soon, the platform we were standing on was moving off of the stage. We each had 150%+ which meant that whoever got in the next attack was going to be the winner. It was all going to be about timing. We would both have to jump onto another platform and manage to get in the last killing blow or be killed. Easy as that, our instincts had taught us well.
I could sense the anticipation of the group of the fallen that was behind us had garnered. They watched with great interest as we each lost our lives one by one. Cheering and 'aww'ing when appropriate. But now, at this point, they knew as well what must happen. Jump and attack. Whoever was the quickest was going to be the winner.
It was now or never.
We both were in sync as we leaped off of our platform towards the next one. Our fingers grasped our controllers knowing how well we would have to time an attack and possibly an effective dodge in order to win. Then came the damnedest thing. My character somehow fell to the ground and was instantly dead.
"GAME!", the announcer declared. Nobody knew what happened. One second, tense anticipation, next second, I was dead. I did not point my character in the direction of certain death, so how did it happen?
We ran the replay of the end of the round. We all watched as our characters both jumped into the air. Everything seemed normal. Then came the crushing defeat. It appeared she used my face as a jumping point and kicked me into the ground. I didn't die and lose because of a lack of skill (well, I guess that's debatable), I lost because of a mechanic of the game. The girl jumped off of my face and kicked me into the ground automatically in order to win the tournament. I was devastated, but at least it made for an interesting story. Still pissed about it though.
So how about you my fellow bloggers? You enjoy video games? You keeping up with e3? Or is everything I just said complete gibberish? Post it below in the comments. Thanks for the support!
So while games like a revamped StarFox 3D and Luigi's Mansion 2 are games that really piqued my interest, what really made me squee was the information that they're finally getting around to making a handheld, portable version of Super Smash Bros. I've loved the series and its unique approach to the fighter genre and I've always wanted them to make one that you could take with you ever since the GBA.
For those of you who don't play video games and have no idea what I'm talking about, this is a summarized version of Super Smash Bros. (now going to be abbreviated to SSB). This game boasts a large roster of characters that you can choose from that are all (save for two characters in the latest installment) intellectual properties of Nintendo. They range from very well known characters like Mario and Pikachu to lesser known characters like the Ice Climbers and Marth. The point of the game is to smack around a foe or foes until you can smack them off the screen of play and thus lose a life. There is no HP, instead, there's damage percentages. The higher the percentage, the more likely that they can be hit off the stage.
So this got me thinking about a lot of my experiences with my game. I remember when I was a cocky little kid, I think it was in about sixth grade, and I got invited to my first birthday party (I wasn't a very popular little one). We went to a local football game but afterward headed back to the birthday kids house and booted up Super Smash Bros. Melee. I figured being I was the most likely to be the gaming nerd, I would be the best.
I started bragging about how good I was and how everyone was going down. E'erbody gonna die. They all just laughed and told me to prove it. They all picked characters I had thought were shitty and I picked a character I thought was amazing, Roy. It turned out, they were A LOT better than me. I got my asked kicked so hard. They employed shield dodges and just about every single attack of mine missed. Then they followed it up with a flurry of attacks and I would die. Easily.
I was usually the first person to die and they mocked me. I guess I deserved it, but I hated losing, and so I started the training montage. Long story short, I got better really fast just to kick their asses, and did. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's losing. While I'm not a poor sport, I'm very, very competitive.
Then came the time in my Super Smash career when I entered tournaments. One tournament I will never forget. I was in the final round for Super Smash Bros. Brawl against another kid. I picked a character named Marth. He's quick, his range isn't too bad, and he's a pretty good aerial fighter. Good at jumping, nimble, and though his attacks aren't that damaging, they are quick to add up. My opponent picked Zero Suit Samus. Her description is quite similar to Marth's, except she doesn't have too good of a midrange game. She's good at long range and good at short range. I figured I had the advantage until the game told us what level we would play.
Big Blue.
If you don't play videogames and you're still reading this, let me explain. This is a shitty level. Remember how I said that if you go off the screen you die? Well this level has moving platforms that will eventually move off the stage. If you stay on it too long, you die. The ground is hard to explain, but for the most part, if you hit the ground, you automatically get sent off the stage and you die. Not only all of this, but most of the platforms are quite small and easy to get knocked off. While there is a lot of platforms, getting thrown onto the ground below them is quite common and quite an easy way to win. It was going to be a tricky battle.
We both hold our ground quite well. We trade blows back and forth. I try to stay out of her range and attack from the outside, but she was good at moving back in and dealing some good amounts of damage. We played with five lives each, and it seemed like everyone one of my lives that she killed, I would take one of hers. An even match.
Then came the moment we each had one life left. We fought valiantly and hard. We were both meticulous in our execution now more than ever. If we left the slightest opening, we could be instantly sent to the ground below and die. I tried to bait and tackle my opponent at one point. I jumped onto a platform as it was moving away hoping my opponent would chase me and I would easily knock them to the ground or at least away. They had anticipated that however. They dodged my attack in mid air and landed beside me.
They were able to attack me a couple of times and I was able to retaliate in an effective manner, but soon, the platform we were standing on was moving off of the stage. We each had 150%+ which meant that whoever got in the next attack was going to be the winner. It was all going to be about timing. We would both have to jump onto another platform and manage to get in the last killing blow or be killed. Easy as that, our instincts had taught us well.
I could sense the anticipation of the group of the fallen that was behind us had garnered. They watched with great interest as we each lost our lives one by one. Cheering and 'aww'ing when appropriate. But now, at this point, they knew as well what must happen. Jump and attack. Whoever was the quickest was going to be the winner.
It was now or never.
We both were in sync as we leaped off of our platform towards the next one. Our fingers grasped our controllers knowing how well we would have to time an attack and possibly an effective dodge in order to win. Then came the damnedest thing. My character somehow fell to the ground and was instantly dead.
"GAME!", the announcer declared. Nobody knew what happened. One second, tense anticipation, next second, I was dead. I did not point my character in the direction of certain death, so how did it happen?
We ran the replay of the end of the round. We all watched as our characters both jumped into the air. Everything seemed normal. Then came the crushing defeat. It appeared she used my face as a jumping point and kicked me into the ground. I didn't die and lose because of a lack of skill (well, I guess that's debatable), I lost because of a mechanic of the game. The girl jumped off of my face and kicked me into the ground automatically in order to win the tournament. I was devastated, but at least it made for an interesting story. Still pissed about it though.
So how about you my fellow bloggers? You enjoy video games? You keeping up with e3? Or is everything I just said complete gibberish? Post it below in the comments. Thanks for the support!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Amnesia
There's been a game that's been taking up my time recently. It's been keeping me up through the nights with a couple friends. It's a computer game. We'll throw it up onto the TV screen via HDMI cable, grab a USB mouse, play it up. It's a one player game, and so far, it's only been able to correctly run on my laptop, so I've been the only one to play it first hand so far. This game is called Amnesia: The Dark Descent.
This is a game that I found while reading a comic called Scandanavia and the World. It's a little comic that personifies various countries (focusing on the Nordic) with single characters (or at times it'll bring in the 'sister' character which is just the female version of the country). It pokes fun at the various ethnic stereotypes and interactions in the world and is quite funny if you get what's going on. Hell, it's pretty damn funny even if you don't know what's going on.
http://satwcomic.com/anything-but-that There's the link if you want.
If you don't feel like using the link, in this comic, one of the characters, Sweden is playing this game, and he's telling what's happening to America. He's describing terrifying actions that he as the player is doing. Meanwhile, America is just over his shoulder going, "Wow. Boring. Meh. This is lame" undermining it the whole time. As the actions get more gruesome, the other onlooking Nordic countries are looking on with terror while America is still watching with disinterest. That is until he sees a phallus (penis) on a character in which he freaks out in seeing, the obvious joke being how here in America, we are completely unfazed by violence, but when there's even the slightest bit of nudity, we gotta call up to the air force, the army, the navy, and even the aliens to get that shit out.
So while I was reading about this game, and being interested by psychologically thrilling things like that, it kind of got me interested, but I didn't really care all that much at that point. I just kept reading more comics. Then I saw that a youtube personality I enjoy, Lanipator, also played the game and was interesting enough to post his play through. That spurred my interest a little more and so I looked up the reviews, and many reviews talked about how terrifying it was.
Long story short, I talked to my friends about it (who apparently also heard of the game before me) and we decided to get it and try it out. We said we were going to play it together on the TV, but I was a little over eager and decided to play a bit of it for myself.
I must say, maybe it's because I actively immerse my imagination in things like video games and books, but this really gripped me. You wake up in a pool of your own blood, and follow your own trail of it to a room telling you that for the most part, you're an asshole how purposely chose to make yourself forget and trap yourself in some creepy ass castle and to figure out what the hell happened, and to kill some random guy. As mundane as that sounds, it's the overall atmosphere of things that give it its edge.
The music and sound effects are quite unnerving and startling. The movement is rather creeping rather than just a nice, upbeat jostle through the castle. The setting is very dark and foreboding for most of the game. You can find little bits of tinderboxes to light candles, but they are in very short supply. There are mysterious noises that if you're in serious concentration can make you jump and startle you.
Another thing that sets this aside is the 'Sanity' meter. The longer he stays in the dark, the more his grip on his sanity is loosened. The more insane he goes, the more noises he hears. Bugs start crawling all over the screen. The noises get louder. His vision gets really blurry. It makes the player feel a bit...helpless. While my friends couldn't get that part of the game, it was definitely something I had to remain vigilant about.
After twenty minutes in and reading that note and seeing EVERYTHING go black and my character (Daniel) fall to the floor I was too scarred, shut my laptop and said, "Fuck it. I am not going to bed if I play more. I'm done." I was scared enough then, but I later played more at my friends house.
As I roamed the castle, I would haphazardly throw things around for laughs. It was advised against because there were things 'following' me, but I didn't care too much. I figured I could just throw things at it and make a quick getaway. Then I was put to the test.
I walked out into a large hall, and out of the corner of the characters eye, a large movement is seen. A flesh colored humanoid creature is seen walking into another room. My friends jump and even I went, "Oh shit!", but it was in excitement. I arm myself with a chair (yes, a chair. There is nothing else) and I start to follow it.
"What the fuck are you doing man?! It's in there! It'll kill you! You can't kill it!"
"No, I know I gotta go this way."
We argued about it for a few moments, but in the end, I was the guy playing it, and I walked on. Right in front of the doorway, it was all or nothing. I charged into the room, chair in hand ready to throw it at whatever the fuck was in my way... then I heard a slight growl turn into a monstrous howl and we all screamed.
I dropped the chair, and I started yelling at the TV as I backtracked and ran, "OH FUCK OH SHIT OH FUCKING FUCK FUCK PURPLE PENGUINS SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! DEAR GOD IT'S AFTER ME SHIIIIIIIIIIT".
Oh how brave I was.
At least my friends did the same.
So as I ran, taking turns and not bothering to look behind me in case it was still behind me (I could've swore I heard its breathing, but it probably wasn't chasing me for long at all), my friends and I were all yelling. We must've sounded like little girls.
"Fuck where do I go!?!?!11?//1/!?!?!?!? I'm gonna die, I'm gonnda die, I'm donna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!", until I eventually hid...in a closet. I hid in a closet for probably about ten minutes as we sat there and stared at the screen whimpering wondering if it was going to find me and kill me.
After I finally emerged from my boudoir haven, we all realized that that was indeed where I had to go next. That was most definitely the place that I had to go through next. The thought just pissed us off as well as mortally scarred us.
Long story short, we did make it past that monster and now I am stuck at an area where I must traverse a series of flooded rooms hopping from one small box to another without landing in the water. Why you ask? Because if I land in the water, I will be eaten and killed by an invisible monster! How unfair is that? I don't even get to see what kills me.
Overall, if you're a fan of survival horror, it is definitely a game to pick up. Just about everything about the game is good except for the part that your character is an asshole that brought this upon themselves.
This is a game that I found while reading a comic called Scandanavia and the World. It's a little comic that personifies various countries (focusing on the Nordic) with single characters (or at times it'll bring in the 'sister' character which is just the female version of the country). It pokes fun at the various ethnic stereotypes and interactions in the world and is quite funny if you get what's going on. Hell, it's pretty damn funny even if you don't know what's going on.
http://satwcomic.com/anything-but-that There's the link if you want.
If you don't feel like using the link, in this comic, one of the characters, Sweden is playing this game, and he's telling what's happening to America. He's describing terrifying actions that he as the player is doing. Meanwhile, America is just over his shoulder going, "Wow. Boring. Meh. This is lame" undermining it the whole time. As the actions get more gruesome, the other onlooking Nordic countries are looking on with terror while America is still watching with disinterest. That is until he sees a phallus (penis) on a character in which he freaks out in seeing, the obvious joke being how here in America, we are completely unfazed by violence, but when there's even the slightest bit of nudity, we gotta call up to the air force, the army, the navy, and even the aliens to get that shit out.
So while I was reading about this game, and being interested by psychologically thrilling things like that, it kind of got me interested, but I didn't really care all that much at that point. I just kept reading more comics. Then I saw that a youtube personality I enjoy, Lanipator, also played the game and was interesting enough to post his play through. That spurred my interest a little more and so I looked up the reviews, and many reviews talked about how terrifying it was.
Long story short, I talked to my friends about it (who apparently also heard of the game before me) and we decided to get it and try it out. We said we were going to play it together on the TV, but I was a little over eager and decided to play a bit of it for myself.
I must say, maybe it's because I actively immerse my imagination in things like video games and books, but this really gripped me. You wake up in a pool of your own blood, and follow your own trail of it to a room telling you that for the most part, you're an asshole how purposely chose to make yourself forget and trap yourself in some creepy ass castle and to figure out what the hell happened, and to kill some random guy. As mundane as that sounds, it's the overall atmosphere of things that give it its edge.
The music and sound effects are quite unnerving and startling. The movement is rather creeping rather than just a nice, upbeat jostle through the castle. The setting is very dark and foreboding for most of the game. You can find little bits of tinderboxes to light candles, but they are in very short supply. There are mysterious noises that if you're in serious concentration can make you jump and startle you.
Another thing that sets this aside is the 'Sanity' meter. The longer he stays in the dark, the more his grip on his sanity is loosened. The more insane he goes, the more noises he hears. Bugs start crawling all over the screen. The noises get louder. His vision gets really blurry. It makes the player feel a bit...helpless. While my friends couldn't get that part of the game, it was definitely something I had to remain vigilant about.
After twenty minutes in and reading that note and seeing EVERYTHING go black and my character (Daniel) fall to the floor I was too scarred, shut my laptop and said, "Fuck it. I am not going to bed if I play more. I'm done." I was scared enough then, but I later played more at my friends house.
As I roamed the castle, I would haphazardly throw things around for laughs. It was advised against because there were things 'following' me, but I didn't care too much. I figured I could just throw things at it and make a quick getaway. Then I was put to the test.
I walked out into a large hall, and out of the corner of the characters eye, a large movement is seen. A flesh colored humanoid creature is seen walking into another room. My friends jump and even I went, "Oh shit!", but it was in excitement. I arm myself with a chair (yes, a chair. There is nothing else) and I start to follow it.
"What the fuck are you doing man?! It's in there! It'll kill you! You can't kill it!"
"No, I know I gotta go this way."
We argued about it for a few moments, but in the end, I was the guy playing it, and I walked on. Right in front of the doorway, it was all or nothing. I charged into the room, chair in hand ready to throw it at whatever the fuck was in my way... then I heard a slight growl turn into a monstrous howl and we all screamed.
I dropped the chair, and I started yelling at the TV as I backtracked and ran, "OH FUCK OH SHIT OH FUCKING FUCK FUCK PURPLE PENGUINS SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! DEAR GOD IT'S AFTER ME SHIIIIIIIIIIT".
Oh how brave I was.
At least my friends did the same.
So as I ran, taking turns and not bothering to look behind me in case it was still behind me (I could've swore I heard its breathing, but it probably wasn't chasing me for long at all), my friends and I were all yelling. We must've sounded like little girls.
"Fuck where do I go!?!?!11?//1/!?!?!?!? I'm gonna die, I'm gonnda die, I'm donna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!", until I eventually hid...in a closet. I hid in a closet for probably about ten minutes as we sat there and stared at the screen whimpering wondering if it was going to find me and kill me.
After I finally emerged from my boudoir haven, we all realized that that was indeed where I had to go next. That was most definitely the place that I had to go through next. The thought just pissed us off as well as mortally scarred us.
Long story short, we did make it past that monster and now I am stuck at an area where I must traverse a series of flooded rooms hopping from one small box to another without landing in the water. Why you ask? Because if I land in the water, I will be eaten and killed by an invisible monster! How unfair is that? I don't even get to see what kills me.
Overall, if you're a fan of survival horror, it is definitely a game to pick up. Just about everything about the game is good except for the part that your character is an asshole that brought this upon themselves.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Texts from a Friend
So I have this friend named Chris. Him and I have known each other for ten years now. Ten extremely long years. As weird as it is, with the exception of my family, he is the person that I have known the longest in my life. It's definitely a very weird thing to think about.
Anyway, my friend Chris, he is certainly an oddball. Him and I, when it comes to our friendship, it's definitely an adverse thing. We get into fights all the time, hit each other, yell, argue, will go out of each our own way just to piss the other one off, and yet, we're still best of friends. Though who we are two completely different people when it comes to others.
I'm a very extroverted live wire who loves to think and do work. Swim, run, bike. He kinda likes to stay inside and keep contact from new people a minimal. He is quite antisocial always claiming that everyone 'annoys' him, but in reality, I know that he just cannot live up to confrontation unless he is in a large difference in power.
Anyway, this is how the title relates to Chris. Due to his antisocial tendencies, he doesn't always know how to talk people. However, he does have a phone and due to not being in direct contact with the person he's talking to, will just talk without thinking about the possible consequences of what he says. He can be a bit dumb like that.
Now, there have been a couple of times (and these are only times that I know of) where he has sent texts that are quite funny in how weird or creepy they are to say the least.
A two years ago, he shot a text to a mutual friend of ours who he lived quite close to.
[Chris] Hey, u wanna come over and watch the superbowl?
[Her] Nah, I don't really like football. Thanks tho.
[Chris] Cool, I don't really like it anyway. I just watch it for the commercials. U wanna come over anyway?
[Her] Why? What we gonna do?
[Chris] Well, I thought I could show you around my house...
[Chris] and around my room....
[Chris] and underneath my sheets....
When my friend showed me this, I cracked up at just how weird he can be and how glad I wasn't a girl at that point. Then there was one time when he shot me a text while I was at work and it just made me laugh my ass off and I had to show everyone.
[Chris] Hey, do you know any girls that would be willing to do sexual things with me while my dad is gone tonight?
For awhile, I had no idea what to respond to him, but I eventually got back with the text
[Me] Find your own whores. They're mine.
So you got any odd friends like this? Friends that send creepy texts like this? Leave'm below in the comments.
Anyway, my friend Chris, he is certainly an oddball. Him and I, when it comes to our friendship, it's definitely an adverse thing. We get into fights all the time, hit each other, yell, argue, will go out of each our own way just to piss the other one off, and yet, we're still best of friends. Though who we are two completely different people when it comes to others.
I'm a very extroverted live wire who loves to think and do work. Swim, run, bike. He kinda likes to stay inside and keep contact from new people a minimal. He is quite antisocial always claiming that everyone 'annoys' him, but in reality, I know that he just cannot live up to confrontation unless he is in a large difference in power.
Anyway, this is how the title relates to Chris. Due to his antisocial tendencies, he doesn't always know how to talk people. However, he does have a phone and due to not being in direct contact with the person he's talking to, will just talk without thinking about the possible consequences of what he says. He can be a bit dumb like that.
Now, there have been a couple of times (and these are only times that I know of) where he has sent texts that are quite funny in how weird or creepy they are to say the least.
A two years ago, he shot a text to a mutual friend of ours who he lived quite close to.
[Chris] Hey, u wanna come over and watch the superbowl?
[Her] Nah, I don't really like football. Thanks tho.
[Chris] Cool, I don't really like it anyway. I just watch it for the commercials. U wanna come over anyway?
[Her] Why? What we gonna do?
[Chris] Well, I thought I could show you around my house...
[Chris] and around my room....
[Chris] and underneath my sheets....
When my friend showed me this, I cracked up at just how weird he can be and how glad I wasn't a girl at that point. Then there was one time when he shot me a text while I was at work and it just made me laugh my ass off and I had to show everyone.
[Chris] Hey, do you know any girls that would be willing to do sexual things with me while my dad is gone tonight?
For awhile, I had no idea what to respond to him, but I eventually got back with the text
[Me] Find your own whores. They're mine.
So you got any odd friends like this? Friends that send creepy texts like this? Leave'm below in the comments.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Pranks
This is a prank that I'm really proud of being able to pull off. It's a story I like to tell in conversation every now and then.
A couple years ago, I was riding my bike around town, not doing too much. Taking up the suns rays, getting a good workout. A wonderful summer day. I didn't really feel like spending time with anybody, just a good time to be by myself.
I rode down a dirt road and while doing so, I rode by an old friends house. I ride by that house quite a bit, but I usually think nothing of it. He was a cool guy, but we didn't hang out much anymore. Still, I always take a look back at that house and think back upon fond memories of childhood. This particular afternoon would stick out past all of these.
Passing by his house, I saw a couple of cars lined up in the driveway. One of them I instantly recognized as my friend Duffy's minivan. It was a dull white with a WRIF (a Michigan Radio station that plays Rock) bumper sticker and a license plate that had two half naked women bordering it. Tacky, but his grandpa got it for him and it made it instantly recognizable.
Now this yard is set up so that the house and the yard is at the bottom of a very large hill, so I'm standing on the high ground along with all the cars parked up. I looked down and saw that a bunch of people were playing airsoft. Some of the people I recognized, others I did not. Regardless, as I saw this, a plan formulated in my head.
I went through my backpack (I carry everything in my backpack from a ballgag to a toothbrush to a change of clothes to spray paint to magazines to cash to food...it goes on) and retrieved a large roll of caution tape that I had found on the Fourth of July that year.
I took the bright yellow plastic and started my handiwork. Luckily, there was also a large expanse of trees that also helped cover me while I did my deed. I started wrapping the car in all three ways. Length by width by height. This roll was particularly large so I was able to wrap most of the car covering almost all of the white space.
This still wasn't enough.
I wrapped up the tires. Got in between the holes in the rims. I wrapped up the wipers. I wrapped up the bumper and fender. There was barely any part of this that was car that was not yellow or black with the words "CAUTION" with the exception of the windows.
But that still wasn't enough.
I had the good fortune that my friend Duffy left his van windows down. It was a particularly hot day, he had his keys on him, he had nothing of value in his car, and it was a safe neighborhood. Why not leave them down so it wasn't burning on the inside later?
Answer: So asshats like me don't get inside and wrap up the seats.
I started from the back and worked my way forward. All rows were completely covered. Headrests, back part and the seat itself. Even after covering all that, I still had a tiny bit of tape left. So I wrapped up his steering wheel and found a broken airsoft magazine and wrapped that.
I got out of the car and took the magazine. I targeted Duffy, screamed his named, and launched the yellow block down the hill through the air. He took a half second look, didn't seem to care, and actually ran in the opposite direction.
Sitting up on the hill admiring my handiwork, I motioned for a couple of the participants in the game to come over. One by one they came over and laughed at what happened and how thorough I was. It was something they definitely were not expecting to see that day.
Eventually, they cut the game short; he had to see what had happened. I got on my bike, ready to go. As he walked up the hill, they gave slight hints as to what happened.
"Caution Duffy, you might not wanna see this"
"Your car looks like it's been wrecked dude"
Things like that. He saw his car and saw me and knew exactly what had happened. He was speechless. I told him to check inside his car. His face had one of those expressions where he wanted to be angry, but it was so good that he couldn't be super mad. At least that's what I thought until he leveled his rifle at me.
"Hey. So you know you're taking that off right?"
I just laughed and rode away.
A couple years ago, I was riding my bike around town, not doing too much. Taking up the suns rays, getting a good workout. A wonderful summer day. I didn't really feel like spending time with anybody, just a good time to be by myself.
I rode down a dirt road and while doing so, I rode by an old friends house. I ride by that house quite a bit, but I usually think nothing of it. He was a cool guy, but we didn't hang out much anymore. Still, I always take a look back at that house and think back upon fond memories of childhood. This particular afternoon would stick out past all of these.
Passing by his house, I saw a couple of cars lined up in the driveway. One of them I instantly recognized as my friend Duffy's minivan. It was a dull white with a WRIF (a Michigan Radio station that plays Rock) bumper sticker and a license plate that had two half naked women bordering it. Tacky, but his grandpa got it for him and it made it instantly recognizable.
Now this yard is set up so that the house and the yard is at the bottom of a very large hill, so I'm standing on the high ground along with all the cars parked up. I looked down and saw that a bunch of people were playing airsoft. Some of the people I recognized, others I did not. Regardless, as I saw this, a plan formulated in my head.
I went through my backpack (I carry everything in my backpack from a ballgag to a toothbrush to a change of clothes to spray paint to magazines to cash to food...it goes on) and retrieved a large roll of caution tape that I had found on the Fourth of July that year.
I took the bright yellow plastic and started my handiwork. Luckily, there was also a large expanse of trees that also helped cover me while I did my deed. I started wrapping the car in all three ways. Length by width by height. This roll was particularly large so I was able to wrap most of the car covering almost all of the white space.
This still wasn't enough.
I wrapped up the tires. Got in between the holes in the rims. I wrapped up the wipers. I wrapped up the bumper and fender. There was barely any part of this that was car that was not yellow or black with the words "CAUTION" with the exception of the windows.
But that still wasn't enough.
I had the good fortune that my friend Duffy left his van windows down. It was a particularly hot day, he had his keys on him, he had nothing of value in his car, and it was a safe neighborhood. Why not leave them down so it wasn't burning on the inside later?
Answer: So asshats like me don't get inside and wrap up the seats.
I started from the back and worked my way forward. All rows were completely covered. Headrests, back part and the seat itself. Even after covering all that, I still had a tiny bit of tape left. So I wrapped up his steering wheel and found a broken airsoft magazine and wrapped that.
I got out of the car and took the magazine. I targeted Duffy, screamed his named, and launched the yellow block down the hill through the air. He took a half second look, didn't seem to care, and actually ran in the opposite direction.
Sitting up on the hill admiring my handiwork, I motioned for a couple of the participants in the game to come over. One by one they came over and laughed at what happened and how thorough I was. It was something they definitely were not expecting to see that day.
Eventually, they cut the game short; he had to see what had happened. I got on my bike, ready to go. As he walked up the hill, they gave slight hints as to what happened.
"Caution Duffy, you might not wanna see this"
"Your car looks like it's been wrecked dude"
Things like that. He saw his car and saw me and knew exactly what had happened. He was speechless. I told him to check inside his car. His face had one of those expressions where he wanted to be angry, but it was so good that he couldn't be super mad. At least that's what I thought until he leveled his rifle at me.
"Hey. So you know you're taking that off right?"
I just laughed and rode away.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Bingo
So this little event happened over the Winter, sometime in January. I was hanging out with my friend Chris one day. We're chillin', hanging out, having fun. We went down to the Flea Market (Swap Meet, or in other words pretty much a large ass garage sale for people from all over).
We got bored and had a few extra bucks to blow off at Dixieland (the Flea Market) and decided to just look around at everything. We saw a lot of old records, CD's, clothes, jackets, board games, videos...Pretty much, it was just a big ol' nostalgia fest. We eventually found a stand selling really rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards and bought a bunch for real cheap and decided we would dig up our decks later and play each other for old times sake.
Before we left, he got a call from his mother. It turns out he forgot that it was Bingo night. He likes to go with his mom from time to time cause if she wins anything, he gets a cut of it. My friend asked me if I would like to go to Bingo with him and his mom. I was now faced with two decisions. Go home to my sister (who I have a great distaste for) or go play Bingo. I've never played Bingo before, so I decided to go on with that.
When we finally got there, I asked how long it would take. Chris said it would take about two maybe two and a half hours. I thought that sounded like a good bit of time to nap and catch up on some sleep so I wrapped myself up in my coat, popped the chair back and went to sleep...
[Fast forward two and a half hours]
The chilling cold started to settle into my jacket and I woke up shivering. I looked at my watch and saw that a lot of time had passed. They hadn't gotten out yet and the parking lot was still full, so I figured it was still on, but was going to get out soon. I took out my phone, gave a couple of girls a ring, talked a bit, but eventually started to question why they hadn't gotten out yet. It was about three hours since they went in.
I got out of the car, into the bingo hall and looked around. This place was HUGE. There was easily a hundred, maybe more, all playing Bingo. There were a few large screens with footage of the numbers being drawn being projected upon, but that was not my primary concern. Looking aloof, I was flagged down my friend only to find that they were only two thirds of the way done.
That's when my trip to number hell began.
As I sat there and heard number after number being called out, I found something out about myself that was rather odd. The longer I sat there, the more my soul would be extracted. My soul was exiting from my mouth, I could see it fleeting from my body as it sought something more. I desperately tried to keep it inside, but a stunning realization hit me. The reason why old people play Bingo. They go there to die.
Old people realize that they're not fit for the rapidly advancing world and want no part in it as the innocence that they once had is slowly destroyed by evil technology. They cannot keep up with what's going on around them. Or they could just be bored and miserable. Whatever their reason, they go there to shorten their life spans via soul absorption.
You could tell how miserable these people were. Desperately stamping every number called out with such precision and accuracy as fast as they can. Some of them would fill up whole tables with sheets of bingo sheets, others had machines that held HUNDREDS of bingo sheets in their memories and stamped it for them. These people were tenacious to say the least.
Then, they snapped at the bingo caller. This was something I could not understand. Apparently, this man was 'bad' at calling out numbers. At one point, a group of people actively jeered this man.
"B-16"
"HE SUCKS! WHAT'S HE DOING!? GET SOMEONE ELSE!!!"
"Please don't boo him, he's a new guy, he's learning the ropes."
The fact that he was 'bad' at calling out numbers because apparently you need training to do this advanced task just blew my mind. We left about an hour and a half later winning no money whatsoever at the cost of half my soul, and a feeling of dread over what the others might do. I know one thing I am never doing again. I hope you heed my warning and don't make the same mistake that I did.
We got bored and had a few extra bucks to blow off at Dixieland (the Flea Market) and decided to just look around at everything. We saw a lot of old records, CD's, clothes, jackets, board games, videos...Pretty much, it was just a big ol' nostalgia fest. We eventually found a stand selling really rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards and bought a bunch for real cheap and decided we would dig up our decks later and play each other for old times sake.
Before we left, he got a call from his mother. It turns out he forgot that it was Bingo night. He likes to go with his mom from time to time cause if she wins anything, he gets a cut of it. My friend asked me if I would like to go to Bingo with him and his mom. I was now faced with two decisions. Go home to my sister (who I have a great distaste for) or go play Bingo. I've never played Bingo before, so I decided to go on with that.
When we finally got there, I asked how long it would take. Chris said it would take about two maybe two and a half hours. I thought that sounded like a good bit of time to nap and catch up on some sleep so I wrapped myself up in my coat, popped the chair back and went to sleep...
[Fast forward two and a half hours]
The chilling cold started to settle into my jacket and I woke up shivering. I looked at my watch and saw that a lot of time had passed. They hadn't gotten out yet and the parking lot was still full, so I figured it was still on, but was going to get out soon. I took out my phone, gave a couple of girls a ring, talked a bit, but eventually started to question why they hadn't gotten out yet. It was about three hours since they went in.
I got out of the car, into the bingo hall and looked around. This place was HUGE. There was easily a hundred, maybe more, all playing Bingo. There were a few large screens with footage of the numbers being drawn being projected upon, but that was not my primary concern. Looking aloof, I was flagged down my friend only to find that they were only two thirds of the way done.
That's when my trip to number hell began.
As I sat there and heard number after number being called out, I found something out about myself that was rather odd. The longer I sat there, the more my soul would be extracted. My soul was exiting from my mouth, I could see it fleeting from my body as it sought something more. I desperately tried to keep it inside, but a stunning realization hit me. The reason why old people play Bingo. They go there to die.
Old people realize that they're not fit for the rapidly advancing world and want no part in it as the innocence that they once had is slowly destroyed by evil technology. They cannot keep up with what's going on around them. Or they could just be bored and miserable. Whatever their reason, they go there to shorten their life spans via soul absorption.
You could tell how miserable these people were. Desperately stamping every number called out with such precision and accuracy as fast as they can. Some of them would fill up whole tables with sheets of bingo sheets, others had machines that held HUNDREDS of bingo sheets in their memories and stamped it for them. These people were tenacious to say the least.
Then, they snapped at the bingo caller. This was something I could not understand. Apparently, this man was 'bad' at calling out numbers. At one point, a group of people actively jeered this man.
"B-16"
"HE SUCKS! WHAT'S HE DOING!? GET SOMEONE ELSE!!!"
"Please don't boo him, he's a new guy, he's learning the ropes."
The fact that he was 'bad' at calling out numbers because apparently you need training to do this advanced task just blew my mind. We left about an hour and a half later winning no money whatsoever at the cost of half my soul, and a feeling of dread over what the others might do. I know one thing I am never doing again. I hope you heed my warning and don't make the same mistake that I did.
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