Finally

So I finally have a car. It's mine, in my name, registered, the only thing that I don't think is under my name is the insurance, however, I still have to pay for it regardless. So anything I make off of this account, instead of paying for something that I actually want like new clothes, it'll go right to insurance cause when I get a job, all of that is being saved for when I finally escape this place.

Now, as a fore warning, everything in this post is going to be very rant oriented and not humorous at all, if that's what you're looking for, you may want to click somewhere else. I just want to rant out and plan out things and if you've ever wondered what I might be like, well this is a little step in that direction.

So, for the past year or so, I've realized that I am completely different from my entire family. Not in an angsty teenage, "nobody understands me" kind of way, or hell, maybe it is, but I don't really share that much in common with my family, I'm just out there.

My family is very high strung and very emotional. They think with their hearts, which in many respects is a good thing, and is something that I sometimes envy. However, most of the time, they're thinking with anger and short fuses. They're all easily frustrated and quick to snap about things. They're perfectionists and demand everything in their lives be right. Everything has to be set the way they want it or they almost explode. You have to play by their rules or you're rejected.

I on the other hand am a very laid back person. I'm calmed, relaxed, even when I'm angry I'm still able to keep my cool. I think with quick logic, and although as evidenced from my earlier stories I may be a smart ass, it's never antagonistic.

My family is a very bitter family. Very cold. They scrutinize quite heavily. They find fault with my sister's grandma and her dad (my half sister, so her grandma, though I still consider her my own and my sister's dad, my stepdad) in many ways. Saying that the grand mother is very passive aggressive and snarky when they in fact are just the same way. They're very jaded people. Whenever they talk to her dad, it always escalates into some huge fight. Some fight that they always try to drag me into. But it always just seems like such a hassle so I ignore it, which bugs them to no end that I won't 'defend' them. Then whenever I talk to her dad, my step dad, they always assume that like them, I'm going to be super mad at him for something he said, when in reality, we just talk. We just have a nice friend chat like I would any other friend.

My family is very superficial. Going to absurd lengths to make sure they look good no matter where they go. Everything they have must be in style or in fashion. They must have the latest phones even when we might not have the money for it or have a need for it,  watch the latest shows that everyone else seems to be watching. All of the things in the house must look nice, not just clean, but nice, stylish.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a slob. I think things need to be clean too, but function comes above everything else. My mom likes to throw things away or get rid of them when they fall out of order with things. She wanted to get rid of the couch we have because it didn't look nice anymore and spend an extra 300 dollars getting a new one when we didn't have the money to get it. The couch is soft, you can sleep and sit on it, it did everything a couch is supposed to do. I had to adamantly argue with her to get her to back down.

The thing that stands out the most to me however is something that really shook me. Her and my sister were talking one day, and I was in the same room listening in. They were talking about somebody new that my sister had met somewhere, my older sister. They talked about how annoying of a person he was. She described him and my mom laughed saying how she hated people like that. She couldn't stand them. Why does this matter? Well, the person my sister described was someone who sounded a lot like me. I even asked about it.

I chimed in with how I'm just like that person they described and they just said, "No you're not." When I pushed on and asked how I was different, their answer was that "I just was". I kept on saying that they just described me, but they didn't want to admit to it. In the end, they got frustrated and told me to shut up, but it made me realize that they only 'love' me out of obligation. If they were to ever meet me as a stranger, they'd hate me. They only accept me because I am their family.

My family doesn't know me at all. They don't know anything major in my life that is. Sure, they could tell me what my favorite foods are and when my birthday is, but if I ever asked them anything major about myself, they wouldn't know the first thing about who I am. I on the other hand, could tell them everything about themselves. They tell me everything because they know I won't say anything and they might need advice, but in the end, I'm just a counselor to them.

I'm nothing but an investment to them. I'm a slave to their own desires. I'm the one who watches my little brother, granted, it should be some sort of an obligation to watch him since he is kin. I'm the one who must always keep the house clean and in order. I have to keep my little sister in line (though that doesn't work since she's still a little hoe that gets in trouble constantly over stupid things). I have to go to college so that I can one day get a good job and get paid well so I can support the rest of the family. That is something that's been hammered into my head since my family found out I was 'smart'. I was going to have to go to college so I could make enough money to help take care of everyone. I was going to have to get married and have kids so that I could pass on the family name and so my parents could be grandparents. Then soon after, probably die 'happy'. The American Dream right?

My plans are different though, maybe a bit naive, but they're different. I don't want to go to college like everyone says. I want to go out and do stand up comedy. That is my dream. I want to go out and labor and make money and travel. I don't want to stay out in the same place. I don't want to have kids. Now that I have this car, I'm going to work my ass off and save up money. Then I'm going to disappear. I'm not going to tell anyone, I'm just going to leave this jaded town and all it's people and leave my family. Let them disown me, I don't care. I was never able to rely on them for much more than a roof, food, water, and a little bit of clothes. For a good portion of my life, all of those things weren't even guaranteed.

I will be free. I swear on my life.