[Originally written 5/24/2013]
I've been having a lot of odd dreams lately.
They've been rather unsettling. Not so much that they're disturbing in some way, but more because of how they make me feel. I usually don't even remember these dreams, but these dreams are so vivid. They leave an indelible mark on me that I haven't been able to shake off lately to the point of frustration and almost on the brink of tears. I don't even know why they've been driving me so crazy lately.
The first dream I had was a few nights ago. It was about a girl who I've had other dreams I've written about in this blog and if anything, that's one of the reasons why I feel the weirdest about it. In fact, she might be reading this now. If you are, I was planning on throwing this down, then I found out that you still read my bloggity, then I had more dreams in this same token and so I decided I'm writing them all down.
It was a dream where I might have been dating her, or perhaps I was just with her, it wasn't made entirely clear. What I do remember is taking her hand and walking along with her, laughing with her. We walked towards the sun in the dusk. I wanted to show her this field that was very special to me. In hindsight, it's a very ugly field. I've only been there a couple of times. In real life, this field is rather barren and lackluster, but showing this field to her was my goal.
When we had arrived, it was covered in flowers, flowers of all kinds. If anything, it was very reminiscent of Final Fantasy VIII. I showed it to her and I could hear her gasp in amazement and surprise. As we talked in a hushed voice, almost like we did not want to disturb the sanctity of the beauty, the sun quickly dipped below the horizon and the stars came out.
We held hands and laid back into the flowers and watched the skies; eyes gazing the stars. The only way it could've been cheesier was if there were shooting stars and a musical number started playing. We just laid there, talking. It felt ethereal.
Then I woke up. My chest hurt so much. I looked over at my girlfriend and I hugged her tightly as I realized it wasn't her I was dreaming about. I felt so guilty. Not even so much that I was dreaming about another girl, but that I had so much heartache after dreaming about another girl. Even now typing this, I feel guilty and paranoid she'll find out about this. I know she won't cause I've kept this blog such a tight secret, but those feelings twist inside of me.
Then I had another dream today. It was about L. She texted me saying she broke up with her boyfriend/girlfriend and she could finally start texting me again and we could be friends once more. I remember even in my dream the initial feeling from reading that text was rage. How dare she say it so casually, especially after a year of no contact.
I was going out into my living room to tell my girlfriend about it, but her and L were both in the living room chatting it up. I froze. Just seeing L again and hearing her greet me with a simple, "hi", was enough to send my stomach spiraling.
"Uh...Hi, L"
She looked up at me with that smile I had been so enamored with for years. That warm smile, freezing me to the spot.
"Yeah, um, L, this is my girlfriend, ___________. ___________, this is L."
They looked at each other, both displaying the epitome of kindness and civility which I'm honestly unsure if that would happen. I stood there, dumbfounded about the situation.
In this dream, we all went to our room, I guess we all shared the same room cause we all had clothes in the same place, and started going through it. The girls changed in front of me, and it was like they were trying to tease me or subtly compete for my attention. They joked and spoke to each other, but I could see their snide glances to the side, peering over at me.
At one point or another, L took me aside and was trying to get me to leave my girlfriend. I'm glad that even in a dream state, I was able to hold my ground. I held her away from me and I almost started to cry as I knew I had to give her up. I told her that I couldn't be with her, our time had passed and I was dedicated to my current girlfriend.
L then casually brushed me off and told me she'd make me hers yet. My heart sank a little bit as I knew that perhaps I did want that. It hurt just seeing her walking away. Her and my girlfriend got back together and started to talk and chatter happily between them, but I could do nothing but walk away.
When I awoke from this dream, I felt conflicted, as if I truly had that decision. I know it not to be something I can do, but it was still something that nagged inside of me. Something that pulled deep at my chest. If confronted with something like that in the future, would I still hold strong? I love my girlfriend. She's the only one I've cried for. Or am I just comfortable being around her? These questions have been popping into my head.
It feels so wrong, but yet, a part of me yearns...
Friday, May 24, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Hamburglar
This is one of my favorite stories. It's about when I went down to Chicago last year for an anime convention. Normally, due to most people heaving a heavy sigh and rolling their eyes, I would not give a detail like that unless it was absolutely necessary, however in this case it is. ACen, or Anime Central, is one of the biggest-if not the biggest- anime convention in North America, or at least the Midwest. 15,000+ people show up annually now to attend and hang out with other nerdy people.
With all these people there, everyone has to eat somehow, so just a mile away from the convention center is a McDonalds. It also happens to be the only fast food restaurant around so everyone flocks to this to get some quick, warm, fast food. That being said, every time I went, it was packed with people of all sorts of walks of life. Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, tall, short, young, old and all went to this McDonalds to quickly fill up on the fatty foods that McDonalds had in its dispersal.
The line, no matter what time of day it was, would be many customers long. One or two would go up at a time, give their order, and stand off to the side or otherwise wait at a table for their food. Once it was finished, the order would be brought out, called, and the employee would then walk away from the food, preparing whatever was next. The customers would then be happy that their order was finally set and retrieve it. The circle of life. And that's how it went every single time I went.
Except one.
Now, considering this is an anime convention, lots of people are dressed up. Sorcerers, cat girls, warriors, pok'e'mon, random henchmen from the background of that esoteric show and for the employees who were so fervently working on cranking out orders lest they fall behind, could not have possibly noticed another patron dressed up like everyone else sitting on the sidelines was dressed up as the Hamburglar.
Anime convention or not, I know that when a Hamburglar is sitting in a McDonalds, some shit is going to go down, so I stood in line, keeping my eye on this man, who sat, patiently with a gleam in his eye that one with only nefarious intentions could have. Finally, the time had come. A huge order, full of McChickens, McDoubles, Big Macs, fries and nuggets came out to the counter in two heaping bags for a party of ten or more came to the counter. It was called out, and the happy party stood up, ready to get their meals.
The Hamburglar knew that he was not going to get another chance like this. He had to strike now or never strike at all. He leaped down from his chair, rushed the counter before their rightful owners even had a chance, grabbed the two bags in his arms, zig-zagged his way between customers, kicked open the exit, and dashed off.
The restaurant froze. Nobody knew what to do. Even the managers at the counter were shocked, actions suspended with disbelief. Finally, one of the huge party stammered out, "Th-the uh....Hamburglar kinda....stole our food? Ca-can we uh...have our order again...?"
The manager just stood there, mouth agape. Looking back at the door hoping it was a cruel prank, and looking back at the customers, he just shook his head and said, "Yeah, RERUN THE ORDER"
It was the most brilliant moment at the convention.
With all these people there, everyone has to eat somehow, so just a mile away from the convention center is a McDonalds. It also happens to be the only fast food restaurant around so everyone flocks to this to get some quick, warm, fast food. That being said, every time I went, it was packed with people of all sorts of walks of life. Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, tall, short, young, old and all went to this McDonalds to quickly fill up on the fatty foods that McDonalds had in its dispersal.
The line, no matter what time of day it was, would be many customers long. One or two would go up at a time, give their order, and stand off to the side or otherwise wait at a table for their food. Once it was finished, the order would be brought out, called, and the employee would then walk away from the food, preparing whatever was next. The customers would then be happy that their order was finally set and retrieve it. The circle of life. And that's how it went every single time I went.
Except one.
Now, considering this is an anime convention, lots of people are dressed up. Sorcerers, cat girls, warriors, pok'e'mon, random henchmen from the background of that esoteric show and for the employees who were so fervently working on cranking out orders lest they fall behind, could not have possibly noticed another patron dressed up like everyone else sitting on the sidelines was dressed up as the Hamburglar.
Anime convention or not, I know that when a Hamburglar is sitting in a McDonalds, some shit is going to go down, so I stood in line, keeping my eye on this man, who sat, patiently with a gleam in his eye that one with only nefarious intentions could have. Finally, the time had come. A huge order, full of McChickens, McDoubles, Big Macs, fries and nuggets came out to the counter in two heaping bags for a party of ten or more came to the counter. It was called out, and the happy party stood up, ready to get their meals.
The Hamburglar knew that he was not going to get another chance like this. He had to strike now or never strike at all. He leaped down from his chair, rushed the counter before their rightful owners even had a chance, grabbed the two bags in his arms, zig-zagged his way between customers, kicked open the exit, and dashed off.
The restaurant froze. Nobody knew what to do. Even the managers at the counter were shocked, actions suspended with disbelief. Finally, one of the huge party stammered out, "Th-the uh....Hamburglar kinda....stole our food? Ca-can we uh...have our order again...?"
The manager just stood there, mouth agape. Looking back at the door hoping it was a cruel prank, and looking back at the customers, he just shook his head and said, "Yeah, RERUN THE ORDER"
It was the most brilliant moment at the convention.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Second Stab
I'm going to take a stab at this blogging thing once more. If people read it, cool, that's great. If nobody reads it, that's fine too. I just need a place to jot down thoughts, maybe remember them for later. Now that I'm in a cushy desk job that gives me quite a bit of free time, I suppose I could use some of this time to sharpen back up on my writing. I earnestly feel like I don't do enough of it.
To begin, I guess I'll write about some of my experiences working in a retail store.
I worked as a computer repair technician at a office supplies store. I got a lot of funny customers there, a lot of ornery customers there, and most of all, stupid customers. I'm sure that happens to everyone and will continue to happen for the rest of time. Stupid people are an unfortunate variable in this crazy system of life. While I can guarantee that a lot of things have happened, I did not take the time to write it down so I will proceed to jot down the things I can remember.
One of the things that will always stand out in my mind was a man who came in complaining about their virus problems. A good portion of the times when someone comes in because they have a 'virus', it's usually never the case. It's usually because they don't know how to use the computer and they messed something up, but I'll get to that later or possibly even a later post.
So this particular man, there is a reason why I will never forget this.
I open up his computer, and I can already tell from the billions of immediate, "j00 HAZ VIRUS! PAY 9999999.99 TO BUY THE SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME AMAZING ANTIVIRUS. tOTALLY TRU BRUH! Y WOULD I LIE TO U?!" just from the boot. His computer is slowed to a crawl and after clicking to a few too many things, it gave me a BSoD. Booting it back up into safe mode was the only thing that would allow it to run. While I assured him that there was most definitely something wrong with the computer, he was very persistent on wanting a virus scan run on his computer. I obliged and low and behold, all kinds of malware. Taking a look at the computers condition (very poor), the computers age (very old), and how much it was going to be to clean up the computer (very expensive) I talked him into buying a new computer. He had only two problems, one being the price and was going to have to get money from his dad. The second was his information on the computer. While the first factor was a toss up on whether or not his dad was going to do the service, I assured him it was to transfer the information. This man seemed very cautious and hesitant, but I understood, most people are. After all, it is their precious information, I'd hate it if I lost all my music and had to re-rip everything. After some coaxing, he decided he would go for it, granted he got the funds.
The next day, him and his father come in and they say they want the service taking exception to the data transfer. This prompted the man to whine to his father.
"But daaaaad. I have my resume on there and I have no copies of it!", pleading quite loudly.
His dad gave his son the darkest, dirtiest look I've seen at my job, looked back at me and asked, "Can you just find that dumb resume or do you have to do everything?"
"We have to do everything sir. It's just a straight shot."
The father sighed heavily, "Fine. Whatever. Do it."
"Yessss! Thanks dad!", the man, MAN, thanked his father which was again, met with a dark, sour look. Quite unusual, but I figured that was due to the cost (an extra 40 dollars for data transfer)
Then when it came time to work on the computer, everything made sense.
Upon scanning, there was 200 GB of stuff on the computer. A bit heavier than most, but no problem. When the transfer started, it started with his 'Adult' folder. Then that was divided even further down into a folder listed only as, "A". Then, it got down even farther and started listing porn actresses, alphabetized by their last names. Everything started to make sense. Walking away and letting the file transfer do its thing, we would periodically check on things and the porn just did not quit. There was more and more and more. It eventually moved down into the "B" folder after about an hour and a half, and it was just baffling how much porn this man had. At his point, it seemed more like a lifestyle more than anything.
After everything was done, out of sheer curiosity, I checked to see how large that 'Adult' folder was. It was 160 GB in size. To put things in perspective, if you were to download all that information in one shot, it would take about a day and a half on most internet connection lines. An hour of video is about half a gig. It was mind boggling.
In another token, another man came in three times in one month talking about viruses with very similar symptoms as the man above. The first time he came in, he was happy with us. Two weeks later, he seemed a bit distressed, but he assumed it must've been bad luck. The third he came in about a week later, he was quite upset and pointed the finger at us, saying we didn't do our jobs correctly and demanded to know what was causing the virus. When we took a closer look, and did it the third time on the house because we 'had to have missed something', we saw some pretty disgusting porn. A lot of it was zoophilia. Then came the dilemma.
How do you tell a stranger that their zoophilia habits was the cause for the viruses their computer was getting? In the end, we opted not to tell him. Instead, we just showed him his browser and did a general, "Hey, so you see this site right here? Yeah, that's a dangerous site."
"....I have no idea how that got there. I don't have anyone else living with me but I didn't do it. It must've been hackers!", the man's face was a deep, bright red.
The only thing I could think was, 'yeah, sure, hackers somehow jumped onto your computer and decided to just search animal porn until you had a virus'. Unfortunately I had to have a job at that point so the only thing I said was, "who knows. Let's just hope it doesn't happen again."
"...it really wasn't me."
"I believe you", no I didn't, "really, I do", really, I didn't. I think in the end he knew that I knew cause he slipped me a tip and I never saw him again.
To begin, I guess I'll write about some of my experiences working in a retail store.
I worked as a computer repair technician at a office supplies store. I got a lot of funny customers there, a lot of ornery customers there, and most of all, stupid customers. I'm sure that happens to everyone and will continue to happen for the rest of time. Stupid people are an unfortunate variable in this crazy system of life. While I can guarantee that a lot of things have happened, I did not take the time to write it down so I will proceed to jot down the things I can remember.
One of the things that will always stand out in my mind was a man who came in complaining about their virus problems. A good portion of the times when someone comes in because they have a 'virus', it's usually never the case. It's usually because they don't know how to use the computer and they messed something up, but I'll get to that later or possibly even a later post.
So this particular man, there is a reason why I will never forget this.
I open up his computer, and I can already tell from the billions of immediate, "j00 HAZ VIRUS! PAY 9999999.99 TO BUY THE SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME AMAZING ANTIVIRUS. tOTALLY TRU BRUH! Y WOULD I LIE TO U?!" just from the boot. His computer is slowed to a crawl and after clicking to a few too many things, it gave me a BSoD. Booting it back up into safe mode was the only thing that would allow it to run. While I assured him that there was most definitely something wrong with the computer, he was very persistent on wanting a virus scan run on his computer. I obliged and low and behold, all kinds of malware. Taking a look at the computers condition (very poor), the computers age (very old), and how much it was going to be to clean up the computer (very expensive) I talked him into buying a new computer. He had only two problems, one being the price and was going to have to get money from his dad. The second was his information on the computer. While the first factor was a toss up on whether or not his dad was going to do the service, I assured him it was to transfer the information. This man seemed very cautious and hesitant, but I understood, most people are. After all, it is their precious information, I'd hate it if I lost all my music and had to re-rip everything. After some coaxing, he decided he would go for it, granted he got the funds.
The next day, him and his father come in and they say they want the service taking exception to the data transfer. This prompted the man to whine to his father.
"But daaaaad. I have my resume on there and I have no copies of it!", pleading quite loudly.
His dad gave his son the darkest, dirtiest look I've seen at my job, looked back at me and asked, "Can you just find that dumb resume or do you have to do everything?"
"We have to do everything sir. It's just a straight shot."
The father sighed heavily, "Fine. Whatever. Do it."
"Yessss! Thanks dad!", the man, MAN, thanked his father which was again, met with a dark, sour look. Quite unusual, but I figured that was due to the cost (an extra 40 dollars for data transfer)
Then when it came time to work on the computer, everything made sense.
Upon scanning, there was 200 GB of stuff on the computer. A bit heavier than most, but no problem. When the transfer started, it started with his 'Adult' folder. Then that was divided even further down into a folder listed only as, "A". Then, it got down even farther and started listing porn actresses, alphabetized by their last names. Everything started to make sense. Walking away and letting the file transfer do its thing, we would periodically check on things and the porn just did not quit. There was more and more and more. It eventually moved down into the "B" folder after about an hour and a half, and it was just baffling how much porn this man had. At his point, it seemed more like a lifestyle more than anything.
After everything was done, out of sheer curiosity, I checked to see how large that 'Adult' folder was. It was 160 GB in size. To put things in perspective, if you were to download all that information in one shot, it would take about a day and a half on most internet connection lines. An hour of video is about half a gig. It was mind boggling.
In another token, another man came in three times in one month talking about viruses with very similar symptoms as the man above. The first time he came in, he was happy with us. Two weeks later, he seemed a bit distressed, but he assumed it must've been bad luck. The third he came in about a week later, he was quite upset and pointed the finger at us, saying we didn't do our jobs correctly and demanded to know what was causing the virus. When we took a closer look, and did it the third time on the house because we 'had to have missed something', we saw some pretty disgusting porn. A lot of it was zoophilia. Then came the dilemma.
How do you tell a stranger that their zoophilia habits was the cause for the viruses their computer was getting? In the end, we opted not to tell him. Instead, we just showed him his browser and did a general, "Hey, so you see this site right here? Yeah, that's a dangerous site."
"....I have no idea how that got there. I don't have anyone else living with me but I didn't do it. It must've been hackers!", the man's face was a deep, bright red.
The only thing I could think was, 'yeah, sure, hackers somehow jumped onto your computer and decided to just search animal porn until you had a virus'. Unfortunately I had to have a job at that point so the only thing I said was, "who knows. Let's just hope it doesn't happen again."
"...it really wasn't me."
"I believe you", no I didn't, "really, I do", really, I didn't. I think in the end he knew that I knew cause he slipped me a tip and I never saw him again.
Friday, February 8, 2013
What Went Wrong
Well, it looks like I did it again. I'm just a person who doesn't deserve any kind of love. I'm incapable of making someone happy. It was a mistake, I've done nothing but hurt someone I love. I've hurt her at almost every turn and even now I still have a hard time realizing when I'm doing wrong. I can't speak when it matters, I can't communicate and I've done nothing but make her feel worse. My fears have come true and I'm sure I could've prevented it. She's always told me when she feels terrible and yet I apparently just am too senseless to make any changes. I knew she'd be the one to break up with me, and I knew it'd be in about three months. That's always the case; that's how long it takes for girls to realize that I'm nothing what they want.
I'm too immature to do much of anything except for sit here and wallow in my self pity. I know I'm here in it, but I can't think of anything else to do. At least when I did it any other times, I was able to let myself believe that it was someone else that was making me do this, but now I know that it's just me. I'm just too pathetic and it hurts even worse now that I realize what I've done.
She said she's done trying. I always know what that means. I've tried, but I guess I just don't have it in me to try hard enough. She's happy with me most days, but I know that she's miserable with me otherwise. I'm just not enough for her, I'm not good enough for her. I know it hurts, it hurts right now, but I know I'm still numbing some of it. I can only imagine what it's going to be like when that numbness goes away and it all rushes in and hits me. I should've spent more time with her instead of trying to buy her affections.
Oh well, I knew it was just a matter of time anyway. I'm a vapid, one-dimensional individual.I just wish I didn't fuck up so bad. Scratch that, I just wish I wasn't such a fuck up. Even trying to be apologetic, I do nothing but make her feel bad.
I guess I should stop this before it gets too far. I should go to bed anyway, I gotta work in a few hours.
[What Went Wrong - Yelling At Cats]
[Over My Head - Sum 41]
[The Real Folk Blues - ????? (Cowboy Bebop Soundtrack)]
I'm too immature to do much of anything except for sit here and wallow in my self pity. I know I'm here in it, but I can't think of anything else to do. At least when I did it any other times, I was able to let myself believe that it was someone else that was making me do this, but now I know that it's just me. I'm just too pathetic and it hurts even worse now that I realize what I've done.
She said she's done trying. I always know what that means. I've tried, but I guess I just don't have it in me to try hard enough. She's happy with me most days, but I know that she's miserable with me otherwise. I'm just not enough for her, I'm not good enough for her. I know it hurts, it hurts right now, but I know I'm still numbing some of it. I can only imagine what it's going to be like when that numbness goes away and it all rushes in and hits me. I should've spent more time with her instead of trying to buy her affections.
Oh well, I knew it was just a matter of time anyway. I'm a vapid, one-dimensional individual.
I guess I should stop this before it gets too far. I should go to bed anyway, I gotta work in a few hours.
[What Went Wrong - Yelling At Cats]
[Over My Head - Sum 41]
[The Real Folk Blues - ????? (Cowboy Bebop Soundtrack)]
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