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Gift Basket

(Some credit goes to the comedian Gabriel Iglesias for the idea)

Last year, there was nothing but open houses. Pretty much every weekend was some kind of party, mostly in the days graduation party, at nights...well, graduation after party. It was free food every weekend, and my family could tell how popular I was just by the sheer mass of invites I received. They had no idea I had so many friends.

There were many games of volleyball played. I got really good at that game by the end of the summer. A crude bean bag toss game where there's a slanted board (probably about fourteen inches to sixteen inches long, eight to ten wide and tilted at about a twenty five degree angle) and the point is to throw a bean bag onto it and get it to stay or even better to go into a hole towards the top part of it. I got pretty decent at that game. Made so many buckets you might as well have called me Charlie! (Charlie Bucket, the kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...yeah, a very esoteric joke I suppose)

There were a couple parties that really stood out in my mind, but there was one thing that surpassed everything. That thing was the racist gift basket.

I have a black friend, he's my only black friend. Now, this isn't due to a racist or prejudice reason, I mean, hell, I am a person of tanliness, but around here, the general populace happens to be that of white like snow. Unless they tan a lot. Then in that case they're just cooked.

So just because I liked foolin' around with this guy, I decided to do a bit of shopping. I had an extra twenty dollars and I decided to make it stretch. I'm very glad everything was on sale. The list flowed as follows:

BBQ Potato Chips - 6 Pack
Funions - 2 Pack
Fried Chicken - Whole Chicken (never seen a whole fried chicken before this day)
Grape Kool-Aid - 6 Pack
Grape Soda - 12 Can Pack & 2 Liter
Watermelon Bubbleyum
The biggest watermelon I could find
Black Gentleman Quarterly - A magazine

The only thing that was missing was 40oz., but I'm not 21 so I couldn't buy it. That was all the money I had anyway and I decided it was adequate enough as was. I decided to wrap it up, everything but the watermelon, and put it in a gift bag.

I know that some of you live in other countries, but to sum up, here in America, these are the things that a stereotypical black man likes. I'm too poor to afford obnoxiously big rims/spinners for his car, can't buy fat white women, and he doesn't like hip-hop so I wasn't going to buy a CD he wasn't going to listen to, even as a joke, so that was what I was going to give him.

I finally arrived at his party, and I inconspicuously left it on the gift table; the bag in front of the watermelon. I quickly sauntered off and joined the rest of the party and started to have a fun time swimming and doing things, eating, hydrating myself, the norm. The moment soon approached when I was filling my plate with more food (I eat a lot, read back through this blog to anyone that's new and you'll see) I heard a roar of laughter. Believing I missed a joke or something, I shoved a piece of chicken in my mouth, threw some fruit on my plate and jettisoned out. I saw everyone around the table and my friend have this smile on his face. One of those smiles where he wants to laugh, but at the same time he doesn't.

I see he has just begun to go through the bag and is pulling out things one after the other. He pulls out everything, the chips, drinks, chicken, and after every time he appears speechless. Everyone snickers or laughs at what seems to be an endless bag of racist foods until he pulls out the magazine with a big black guy staring very threateningly at the camera in his picture and everyone loses it. I have the biggest smile when he looks over at me.

"I...was....", he sighs again, "Was this really all your doing? Did you buy all this?"

"Yeah, it ran me a good twenty bucks", I said after swallowing some grapes.

"A part of me doesn't want me to like this as much as I do...but I know, I know...that all of this is going to be gone by the end of the night", and he pulled me forward for a man hug.

Best 20 dollars I had ever spent.

Shortstack Destruction

My friend Scott and I were recently at a local eatery. It's a place called Royal Diner. Nice atmosphere, pretty good food at decent prices depending on what you're getting. It's usually one of the only places that is open 24/7 so when we're out at 3AM and we're hungry, we'll go to this place to get a bite to eat.

So this night, my friend Scott and I were really hungry, the whole point of going to a restaurant. We were both oddly feeling up for pancakes, so that's what we ordered. We were determined to destroy those short stacks. Force them down into our gullets and satisfy the craving for sweetened starches. There was something that made this particular trip amazing.

There was two girls sitting in a booth adjacent to ours. One of the girls was the talker, evidenced by her excessive spouting of crap that dribbled down her mouth. Not saying I'm not any better with these walls of texts, but there is a difference between this woman and me. The other one was the listener. Now, I'm not sure if she was actually processing everything that the other girl was saying or just in her own little world, but not matter what the Talker said, she would always just nod, or agree, though sometimes quite enthusiastically.

So this girl had one of those air headed, know nothing voices. You know the one. I usually just drown those out, but I heard one sentence that caught my ear.

"Yeah, so, like, I don't know why people never trust me with relationship or fucking advice", fucking used here as sexual intercourse

"I mean, I'm like walking herpies, I know about all this shit"

"Yeah, I know girl, I totally agree."

At this point, I stopped mid bite and my ears perked up. It was so sudden that Scott even noticed. He asked what was up and I motioned for him to listen to the conversation behind him unfold.

"Yeah, I wish people would listen to me. I got these flare ups fuckin' around. I know what the hell I'm doing. Like Lisa, she, like, never, ever listen to me."


Well maybe that's because you just referenced yourself as walking herpies. Maybe this is just me, but I probably wouldn't trust anyone who dubs themselves as that. Maybe I'm crazy though. Either that or this is some crazy new age vernacular that I haven't caught onto yet.

I laughed for a bit so I missed on what transitioned into what I heard next, but the next topic was about people she hates.

"-cking bitch Trish. God, she's with that dick head Al. I hope she gets crabs and dies."
I really hope she was talking about the actual crabs and this girl is allergic to shellfish because there was something terribly wrong with that sentence.

"For real girl. You, like, speak the truth. This is why I hang out with you and not those fake bitches Chelse and -"

"Wait, I just got a new update on my facebook. Oh my god, Tyler has been trying to hit on me and get into my pants."


"Oh. My. God. No. Way."

"Yeah. I think I might let him have a bit of nookie ya know? He'll be getting a big surprise in the morning", I snorted into my food and I tried to stifle my laughter. Then I felt bad for this poor bastard he's going to get from the herpies tank.

"Yeah, cause I ain't bringing condoms. That's up to the guy, girls should never be responsible for that. He wants to contend this, he better be packing some heat. I ain't gonna be labeled a slut."

Yes. Because being called a slut is a whole lot worse than being labeled as walking herpies. With how hard I was laughing, it was like I couldn't even taste the short stacks anymore. The stupidity of the conversation overshadowed any taste the pancakes could've made.

I left a large tip just because the waitress sat us next to those girls. It was definitely a good night.

[Joke of the night: Magic Apples]


A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

Recently, I have been out and about lately. Got a job, working out, partying. It's been a busy couple of weeks, especially the job searching. While I have felt bad about neglecting my blog, while I was out, I have been able to do somethings that are worth noting here. I got some new stories to tell.

So I was at an open house and I ended up seeing a girl who I haven't seen awhile. She's cute, at least in my opinion. I've known her for a long time, about six years, but we haven't really ever hung out together. She lives way on the other side of town and out of reach from me on a bike.

We talk every now and then through texts and facebook, but never anything beyond that. She's a sweet girl, strange, and has an amazing sense of dark humor which are traits I find quite intriguing. A very different way of thinking that girl, very eclectic, which I have in common. I love talking to people with strange minds and odd ways of thinking; makes for much better conversation, and is much more endearing in my opinion.

So considering I actually got to meet her in person, it was nice being able to actually flirt and be able to touch her in person. In my opinion, it's a lost easier and more effective to do it in person. As the night goes on, she starts saying....something. It sounds very seductive, I can tell that much from her inflection, but I can't understand what it is she's saying because it's in German. By the way, I don't speak German.

However, pretty much everyone else spoke German. So they all knew exactly what she was saying. They were fluent. They just didn't feel like telling me about this until after she left. They started to make fun of me for it, but it's not like I could know.

Then came the second party.

After another day of turning in job applications I decided I would hang out with my friend Chris. It had been awhile since I had done so. I went over, only to find that I went at the exact same time as a party was happening. His brother was back in town and so decided to throw a party. My timing was great.

As I started to chill out and start a fire with everyone, guess who I saw walk into the party. If you thought Betty White, you're crazy and are terribly wrong. If you thought the German speaking girl, you are quite correct. Alternatively, if you said a creepy girl who likes to lick people's faces, rub her face on other people's faces while purring like a cat and bites people, as well as some other.... unsettling traits, then you are oddly specific but also correct.

So, this time around, my game was off. It is very, very hard to hit and flirt with a girl when another girl is hanging all over you. I gotta say, when I get cock blocked by a guy, it's very easy to get around. I don't make a big scene or anything, don't get all weepy and dejected, I just continue to be confident and be me. Usually my natural charisma will charm anyone be it guy or girl, although girls will be actually attracted and guys will find me as a cool guy.

Getting cock blocked by a girl though...That is something I'm not prepared for. I do not know how to handle trying to flirt with one girl when there's another girl hanging all over me...licking my face....biting and gnawing into my shoulder...running her hand up my thigh....

Most of my friends when I told this story asked why I didn't just try and get with this girl. Well, I don't really like her personality so much, not much at all. That, and I just don't find her very attractive. A couple of my friends have said, "Well, if it was an attractive girl you wouldn't mind", which also isn't very true. I don't like anyone touching my face. So a girl I don't like all that much licking my face just freaks me right the fuck out. And again, makes it very hard to flirt with another girl. All in all, it wasn't a very fruitful night.

Then came the girl I was texting, a completely different girl. It's a girl I haven't hung out in awhile, so being I now have a car, I was going to ask if she wanted to hang out. Here's how the conversation generally played out.

[Me]: Hey, how's it going?

{Her}: Pretty good. I miss you :) How are you doing?

[Me]: Haha, I miss you too. I'm doing well. You wanna hang out?

{Her}: I can't, I'm going to go out to eat with my family and then we're going to see Harry Potter

[Me]: Aw, I'd love to go out to eat and see Harry Potter. I'm jelly! That sounds great.

[Me]: You think you can hang out after?

{Her}: No, I can't. We're going to be getting home kinda late and we have to wake up at 5am to go to a birthday party for my cousin.

[Me]: Oh, I LOVE waking up ridiculously early to go to birthday parties!

[Me]: Okay, so I'm a liar lol

Now, watch this huge leap of logic here. See if you can keep up.

{Her}: Are you trying to say you wanna be with me?

See what I mean? I had no idea where the hell she got this idea, but apparently, she got that in her mind and it was mind boggling. So, I decided to try and defuse the situation. I wasn't sure if she meant be with her and hang out, or be with her as in be her boyfriend.

[Me]: Well, I wanna hang out with you...but I don't wanna be WITH you.

{Her}: Well fine, I'd hate to be in a relationship with you too.

At this point, I could tell I was not going to make any head room. She was quite a stubborn girl sometimes and now that she had this stuck in her mind, there was no way this was going to end well. I didn't want to ask what brought this one, or how she got this in her mind so I just tried to just let this one go.

[Me]: Okay.

Simple, easy. Just kinda shrugging it off. Not the dick, douche baggy, "k". I wasn't going to give her anything to work with at this point. I find that when it comes to anger, someone can only continue to be angry at someone who gives them fuel with emotion. If you just shrug it off, it'd be like trying to push yourself off of a curtain. Useless.

{Her}: I'm very angry at you.

[Me]:  Okay. I just hope that your anger at me doesn't stop you from enjoying Harry Potter.

It was very hard for me to not be sarcastic at that point and say something like, "Well, I hope your 'righteous' fury doesn't prevent you from enjoying being immersed in the magical world of Harry Potter. It would be such a pity if you were so blindly furious at me that you couldn't enjoy the thrilling conclusion of the series. You might actually have to spend more money to see it again! Or even worse, read the book! Gasp!". I figured that'd be bad though.

{Her}: Fuck you and all the guys like you.

I was confused about what the hell that  was supposed to mean, but I decided enough was enough and just didn't respond.

Well, here's one for returning. I shall be diligent in following you all and supporting you once more.

Oh, and in case none of that was funny, I'll depart with a joke that I heard.

When I was a kid, my grammar was so bad that I got trapped at the bottom of a good.

Epiphiny

The title may be spelled wrong, but I have had one nonetheless and I feel like I should write it down. This'll probably be a boring post, and I am by all means not trying to change anyone or anybodies way of thinking or challenging anyone's opinion, but I just want to write this down for my own personal reasons. Besides, I haven't written anything here in awhile, I have to keep it active somehow right?

This past year has definitely been quite a year. I definitely changed in many ways and learned some new things about myself that I feel fortunate to have been able to discover. Some of them are very large, some of them small. Some very important, others almost petty. Some of them very positive, others completely destructive. You get the picture. Thinking about everything I'm about to write makes me think that maybe this is something more for when the year actually changes, but I'm a seasonal type of guy. I hate the winter and thrive during the summer. That's when my year starts, when the weather starts to get nice, and like a bear, my year starts to draw to a close for the cold months.

So some things I learned during this year. I learned that with discipline, I can actually lose weight. Without it, I will put the weight back on. I learned that although I may not like it, cars are crucial in the time we live in. Of course that varies from area to area, but that's true for here at least. I can look good with really long hair as long as I actually do something to it rather than just let it sit and make me look like an Asian woman. Swimming is amazing. I'm not meant to stay in my family. I need to leave this place. I need to make money to get out of this rat race of a life. I got a lot of inner demons, but I need to let go of those. I need to make more effort.

Most of all, I have changed too much.

In a very, very early post, although it may actually be in a completely different blog, I talked about how I needed to change. I talked about how I needed to change myself. I was sick of being alone and felt so lonely, and hell, I still do. I felt that I needed to become a different person because the few past relationships I had didn't work out. I felt like I needed a new wardrobe, a new style, almost a new being.

I started hanging out with different people, I got a few new threads that I could barely afford. I started working out. I started reading more. I started reading how other people did things and started to emulate it. They said to be 'more mysterious and more appealing, do this', so I would try and do that. They said to do this or to do that. Do one thing or another and things will start going smoother. I didn't have many opportunities to go out, but when I did, I tried those things, and when I did, they felt weird. I chalked it up to me not doing it before and having some of that nervousness from doing something new.

Some of these things were for the better. I made a lot more friends and vastly expanded my already large social circle. One can never have too many friends I say. I have gotten quite a few compliments on my sense of style. It's a style that I like and glad I have adopted. It doesn't have any kind of name to it, it's not like I became a hipster kid or a douche. I just wear clothes that match, catch they eye, but aren't too flashy. Some clothes that I can jump around in and hang out in, but if I needed to go somewhere at a moments notice and look presentable, I'm still in the proper attire. I found a nice balance.

As something that I have talked about quite a lot is my weight loss and healthiness. I can jump higher, I can swim about four, consistent laps of about 50m (so overall 200m or maybe about 600 Ft.) before having to stop to catch my breath. On my best days I can bike a 3 minute mile on a full out sprint, but I can average out at about a 5-6 minute mile just cruising. I can hold a note for 20 seconds no problem. Do pushups and situps easy without so much weight dragging me down. Taking initiative in life and tapping into my prime human condition.

Though, I also changed who I was at the base. I started taking other people's advice and did what they did. I mean, I was still a fun loving, funny guy, but there was something that was off. I ended up alienating quite a few girls I wanted to date taking their advice because I was no longer 'me'. I acted a certain way in front of certain friends and it'd drain me restricting myself or pushing myself into doing something I wasn't. Sounds kind of cliche, but it's because of my disbelief of me being a part of cliches that led me into doing that. In essence, I became a bit more alone from quite a few people and that loneliness grew a bit and I had no idea why. I just marked it up to me not doing things right and tried harder only to ultimately fail and feel even worse. The thing is, I didn't even realize it for a time period that was way too long I think. I didn't notice it until just before typing all of this.

First, let me explain something else first, should anyone still be reading this. When I started this blog, I followed someone who I think got their blog shut down, but I read a post talking about how he had a lot better success with women and in life in general and so did his friend and that he was just posting it for someone to view if they had the desire to.

At that point in time, I was thinking it'd be nice to have a girlfriend, so I decided to view it. It was the Vince DiCarlo Pandora's Box method, and even though it sounded kind of sleazy, I decided to get some of the things it offered, but I never really paid attention to it. There was a lot, and I was impatient, and I decided to just keep putting it off and keep putting it off, never really reading or watching any of it.

Fast forward to recently, I got bored and I felt like I had been behind on my reading. I haven't had the money to go out and buy books, but I got an eBook reader on my 3ds, so I decided to open that up and look through some of the titles I never got around to reading. I thought I might read some James Patterson or even World War Z, but I saw a bunch of titles that didn't make any sense to me. They all said 'in#'. There were a couple with the number 0, a few 1's, 2's, etc., and the author was unknown. I decided to click it, it must've been something I was interested in cause I put it on there, and lo and behold, it was the Pandora's Box eBooks.

Again, thinking it was kind of sleazy, I almost didn't read it, but I had the pages already open, and so I decided to at least give it a chance and read a few pages. Then a few more, and a few more after that. I soon found myself completely enthralled with the book and in one night, I reached page 200 or so. Everything in it made sense. I mean, I read a lot of other advice and while some of it would make some kind of sense, it seemed like a bit of a stretch or really circumstantial. This on the other hand was almost like a godsend into my life. Hell, that might've been an exaggeration, but it is certainly...inspiring to say the least.

It also helped me realize what I've been doing this whole time, and that's be someone who I'm not. As I flipped through each page and absorbed every word, things started to make sense to me. It explained why earlier on in my adolescence I was terrible with girls and people in general and why I got really fortunate with girls I didn't like in my older teenage years, but was terrible with the girls I liked save for a couple. Long story short, I wasn't being natural. I wasn't being (please excuse the cliche), myself. Or at least, true to myself. Sure, I wasn't pretending to be someone else, but at the same time, I was almost filtering who I was as a person.

As a kid, I hated myself, so I tried to hide in denial everything I felt bad about myself with, and pushed forward a positive persona, but it was almost crazy, chaotic. I'm still a bit crazed, but it's purposeful, like a controlled demolition. A lot of girls liked me because I was honest and true with them. No bullshit, nothing. I was a bit flirty, sure, that may have been a dick move to do that, but I was someone who was confident and knew what the hell they were doing, or at least made it seem that way. I controlled shit and didn't let anything phase me. I had a positive energy and while I may not be the smartest or strongest, I was the most charismatic.

Except to the girls I liked.

I always had this preconceived notion of how girls wanted to be treated because of TV, movies, books, stupid stuff like that. I figured if I was nice enough and did things for them, they might start to take an interest. But that's the same thing that their parents and family does for them. Hell, that's what their friends do for them. So I thought maybe if I go out of my way to do things for them, they'd like me then. But all that did was just make me a very extravagant best friend.

I tried showing that 'sensitive' side. All that did was get me laughed at. So that ultimately failed. I tried texting, calling, IM'ing and having conversations on that, but all that just made me seem boring. Did the shit they wanted, went to the mall, hung out at their house, but in the end, it was all just shit they wanted to do, things that I could easily have been replaced with some other girl or guy, but that's not what I wanted to be.

Now here comes where everything relates to the title. I don't know why it took me this long in my 19 year life, but all I needed to do was be natural. I didn't have to take anybodies advice. I didn't have to do that shit people told me to do. I didn't have to do what TV shows said and be all 'sensitive' or even be a dick to get those other kinds of girls. I just had to, again, excuse the cliche, be my-fucking-self.

From now on, as I write this I am going to dedicate myself to something new. I'm going to keep on doing everything else I've been doing up until now, trying to get a job, get the hell out of here, make some money, exercising and losing weight. All that was been positive, I'm going to keep that in life. I am however going to change one thing. I am going to revert to who I was, and just stay natural. I have a ton of friends and had a ton of admirers who did just that because I was me. I was the most fucking interesting person they knew because even though I was passionate about things, I didn't give a shit about social norms and established my own. I took a strong step forward and made sure everything else followed. It's time to get back to basics.


Tl;dr   I need to start being natural.

P.S. I know my posts are having very large lengths between them and I haven't been supporting you like I should. I'm trying very fervently to try and get a job. Just so that I have a reason to log onto the computer, I may log onto blogspot and start using this blog as a journalistic blog for a bit. If you read through all of this, I applaud your valiant effort, thank you.

Delay

Sorry for the lack of posts lately everyone. I've been quite busy here in life lately Losing more weight, going out with friends, working my ASS off to get a job, went to a concert, just been keeping myself busy. I'll just throw a quick summation of events of what's been happening.

Well, I've had the entire house by myself for the past week. Nothing but peace and quiet. I've been able to sleep in peace, not have to deal with the bullshit from my family (except when they call with it), eat properly...the only thing I haven't been doing is getting enough sleep.

To start things off, I finally found a copy of a game called Jet Set Radio Future. This is the first game that came out with the original xBox, and it is definitely one of the most fun games I've ever played. It's a game where an oppressive regime has taken over futuristic Tokyo and so a group of inline skating gangs go around and graffiti various areas of the town. The art style is very unique compared to most other games, the playing style is very original, and the sound track is phenomenal. Here's one of the songs from the game, my favorite.



I never got to beat it when I first had it because my mom sold the xBox to someone very soon after we bought it ourselves. I looked around enough places though and finally found it. I've been playing it a lot and I can definitely say that this game is almost like boobs. Except better.

I've applied to a bunch of jobs like Best Buy, Hungry Howies, a local Hardware Store, Costco, and a few other places, but no fast food restaurants. I refuse to work at a place like that. Hell, I hate the food they serve there, much less cook it up. I'm really hoping for the job at Hungry Howies since they pay 10 an hour at start or Best Buy because I know about all those things very well.

I went to a local concert for a few punk rock bands including my friends' band and almost got my ears blown off. It was fun though. Most of the audiences were douche bags though. At the beginning it started off with a large crowd, but with every band that played, more and more people left since the band they came to support left until by the time it got to the last band, it was my friend and two other people. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it seemed rather rude. Oh, and that girl I talked about a couple posts back? She came with us and I had a great time with her. I'm hoping things go well with her, but I won't get my hopes up.

Went to a BBQ, it was alright. I wish I could've been doing something else though. It was kind of bland as far as things go. However, I made burgers that everyone loved on the grill, and I hadn't been out grilling in a really long time. Threw some egg, bread crumbs, salt, pepper, garlic powder and mixed it all in the burger meat, cooked it up and melted the cheese onto the burgers... I had Pepper Jack, Swiss, and American cheese all melted on mine. I was a little disappointed in myself though, I cooked them medium well and I know most people like burgers medium rare. That's a moot point though.

Last but not least, I went out to a Smash Mouth concert. Now, most people know that band as 'those guys who played that one song at the beginning of the first Shrek'. I've listened to some of their other songs when I found out that I had their first CD, and I have to say it was great. They were very charismatic and had great crowd participation. The guy has a voice that stays true to the CD's they put out and he just seems like a cool guy. I screamed my heart out and jumped higher than anyone else there. A couple of people came up to me afterwards and told me how entertaining it was to see me jump so much and scream. If I could sing better or play an instrument, I would definitely join a band.

This was my favorite song from the night.



So, that was most of my week in a nutshell. I'm out trying to gather humorous stories so I can tell you all of it, I should have a couple more after the 4th of July (I live in America, it's a big deal that day haha). For those of you who live here in America, I hope your holiday is amazing. If not, well, I hope you you have a great time in your endeavors.