Warning: This story is a bit explicit, dirty if you will. If a sexual story is more likely to disgust, offend, or piss you off, then you'd be best stopping right here. Otherwise, go ahead, read on.
So this is a story about a sexual escapade that happened about a year ago. I was just reminded about it earlier today from a friend and I thought I'd share with my audience of about twenty people.
So last year, I started talking to this girl that I hadn't to in awhile. Let's just call her Sarah. Now, I don't like getting out of touch with friends, it really bugs me. I like to stay in touch and keep friendships strong. She was no exception. I decided to text her and stuff and see how her life was going at that time.
Sarah proceeded to tell me about how things were going, and unfortunately it wasn't so well. She told me that her boyfriend broke up with her, her car was starting to break down, she was failing a class and some of her friends were being ass hats. I try to be a good friend, and the last few times she asked if we could hang out, I had to decline due to various reasons so this time, I asked if she was available. Luckily, she was and so she was going to be over.
Now, from the tone of the messages, and from our past, I knew that she really liked me and was attracted to me. I had no idea if that had changed or not, but I still did not want to be that guy and seem to take advantage of her, so I decided to set up some defense so that hopefully she wouldn't get tempted.
My little brother was out (he was two at the time) so I figured that would make anything she'd try awkward. I had my dog out and he gets really excited and jumps and barks at anything that moves. I also decided to chew on some gum, 5 Solstice to be exact, because a couple of my gal pals said that they hate it when they're making out with their boyfriends and they have something in their mouth already.
Sarah comes over and we decide to watch some TV, she's sitting next to me and we're just chatting and such. My dog decides to go to sleep. I didn't notice it at the time, but the dog leaves.
We're still talking, and then my sister comes over and decides she wants to take my little brother to the park. I noticed that one, but at that moment, I didn't really think about it. I was just happy to be talking to an old, childhood friend.
Then, what seems like out of nowhere, she pulls me on top of her and starts making out with me. Now, she's a nice a nice and girl and she is definitely attractive so who was I to complain about it. I did not have the capacity or self discipline to say no.
Oh, and about that gum? At some point, she breaks contact and says, "Wow...you taste, really good...You wanna taste me?", she winked, and I almost laughed from the corniness, but I knew that would destroy the mood so I kept it inside.
We get deeper, I get underneath her shirt, she gives me a lap dance, I'm not going to say too much more, I don't wanna seem like too much of a douche. So here comes the humorous part.
I start to go down on her. She's having a good time, she like what's going on and I enjoy giving it to her. I had read a tutorial from a place that I cannot mention on how to perform the dirty act of cunnilingus and decided to employ it masterfully. Long story short, she cums and she soon leaves after that leaving me with a case of blue balls. But that's a different story.
So she leaves and I decide that I remember I have to make dinner before my family gets home, or at least start it. So you remember that gum I was chewing earlier? Yeah, well I had forgotten to take it out of my mouth. And although she was groomed, she was not without hair.
At first, I did not realize anything was wrong. I was chewing on my gum making chili when the stunning realization crept on me. There was something in my gum...that was not gum. I pulled my gum out of my mouth and there was a couple curly hairs peakin' out at me. It was quite...gross. It was probably the nastiest sexual thing that had happened to me.
Moral of the story: Never go down with gum in your mouth.
Moral Two of the story: If you visit someone that lives in a trailer park, lock your doors. All her CD's were stolen while she was here.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Guards
I was watching Iron Man 2 last night for the umpteenth time. I'm a bit of the a comic book nerd (although I'm more into the Japanese Comics to be honest) and so I love all those kinds of movies. Batman, Blade, Spiderman (yes, even 3), Hulk (the one with Edward Norton, most under appreciated actor ever) are all movies I love. There's just always something about a superhero that is badass and goes out of their own way to help out others regardless of what happens to themselves that intrigues me. That complete devotion to mankind. They have their own trials and tribulations that they must wake up and face. Batman had his parents taken away, Blade is one of the very things he sets out to kill, Spiderman and...well, he just has a problem existing most of the time as Peter Parker, and Hulk with the whole Gamma Radiation.
Though there is one thing that I noticed last night when I watched Iron Man that happens not only in superhero movies, but in probably every action movie ever. In just about every movie, there's always some place that has to be infiltrated. Whether it be some kind of military/government facility, a temple, a base of some kind, there comes a point where the hero or at least one of the 'good guys' goes, "Okay, we gotta sneak that shit yo". Maybe not word for word, but it does happen in a good majority of the time.
In Iron Man 2, this part comes in the form of when Scarlett Johansson in the role of the Black Widow goes to the main building of the company Hammer Industries. When she gets there, she has to fight past a bunch of guards that are trying to prevent her from invading and doing whatever she's going to do (or in that case go and catch Ivan, the evil Russian guy controlling a shit ton of robots trying to blow up Iron Man).
So she goes in there, does a bunch of flips, throws a couple weapons, hits a guy with an electrical wire in the crotch, and even hangs a guy up by his neck with a wire! She does it with such acrobatic skill and finesse. It is able to appear sexy and deadly at the same time. Something that you could say describes the Black Widow very well and why she's given the name in the first place.
While the first couple of times I saw this movie, I saw it and was always wowed at everything she did. It was an amazing feat of physical skill; something to be admired. Though this time around, something hit me that I never really took the time to consider beforehand.
The people she just beat the shit out of were guards. They were paid to do what they were doing. It's not like they were henchmen; a bunch of assholes who go out of their way to be dickheads and shoot anyone in the face just so that they can get a cut of stolen goods. These guys got hired to prevent trespassers from just barging in and blowing up the place, which for all they knew is exactly what she could have been doing.
Thinking back on it, some guy getting tasered in the balls might no longer have kids now. What if him and his wife were trying to have kids? What if they really wanted to have kids, or maybe even one, a little girl of their own? Now they can't because she decided to shock him in the balls.
One of the guys might not have even been scheduled for work that day! His friend might have just called him up and asked him to cover his shift.
"Hey, Jake, listen, I got a mad hangover from this club I went to last night and hooked up with this chick...you think you can cover my shift tonight?"
"Yeah man, no problem at all. You know I got yer back. No worries."
"You sure? I do feel kinda bad about this."
"Nah, go ahead, go get some. I need the extra hours anyway. My wife is in the hospital. It's lookin' pretty serious so I need all the extra cash I can get to take care of Vanessa and Charlie. Besides, it's not like anything happens that often anyway, hahah"
"Yeah man, I know, tell me about! It's such a boring job! Anyway, thanks bro, I owe you one!"
"Don't mention it!"
Next thing he knows, some random bitch just shows up, kicks everyone in the face and hangs him from his neck in the ceiling. Now, not only might he possibly face severe damage to his throat, but he's probably going to get fired, not going to get paid, and is going to have to find a new job while trying to support his family. And in this economy, it's going to be hard to find a new job.
That scenario can pretty much apply to any scenario in movies. It always happens. Some guy is just doing his job, not even a bad guy at heart. He might do charity work. Maybe helps out the homeless down at the soup kitchen. Then what happens? Some guy comes in and shoots them or otherwise beats the shit out of them!
Now, I'm not saying she should've tried to talk her way in there or gone all Mission Impossible and sneak in through the ceiling and crawl through the ducts for five hours. She didn't have to go overkill on them though. They're just doing their jobs.
Man, it's a really good thing for security guards that superheros don't exist or they'd be fucked.
Though there is one thing that I noticed last night when I watched Iron Man that happens not only in superhero movies, but in probably every action movie ever. In just about every movie, there's always some place that has to be infiltrated. Whether it be some kind of military/government facility, a temple, a base of some kind, there comes a point where the hero or at least one of the 'good guys' goes, "Okay, we gotta sneak that shit yo". Maybe not word for word, but it does happen in a good majority of the time.
In Iron Man 2, this part comes in the form of when Scarlett Johansson in the role of the Black Widow goes to the main building of the company Hammer Industries. When she gets there, she has to fight past a bunch of guards that are trying to prevent her from invading and doing whatever she's going to do (or in that case go and catch Ivan, the evil Russian guy controlling a shit ton of robots trying to blow up Iron Man).
So she goes in there, does a bunch of flips, throws a couple weapons, hits a guy with an electrical wire in the crotch, and even hangs a guy up by his neck with a wire! She does it with such acrobatic skill and finesse. It is able to appear sexy and deadly at the same time. Something that you could say describes the Black Widow very well and why she's given the name in the first place.
While the first couple of times I saw this movie, I saw it and was always wowed at everything she did. It was an amazing feat of physical skill; something to be admired. Though this time around, something hit me that I never really took the time to consider beforehand.
The people she just beat the shit out of were guards. They were paid to do what they were doing. It's not like they were henchmen; a bunch of assholes who go out of their way to be dickheads and shoot anyone in the face just so that they can get a cut of stolen goods. These guys got hired to prevent trespassers from just barging in and blowing up the place, which for all they knew is exactly what she could have been doing.
Thinking back on it, some guy getting tasered in the balls might no longer have kids now. What if him and his wife were trying to have kids? What if they really wanted to have kids, or maybe even one, a little girl of their own? Now they can't because she decided to shock him in the balls.
One of the guys might not have even been scheduled for work that day! His friend might have just called him up and asked him to cover his shift.
"Hey, Jake, listen, I got a mad hangover from this club I went to last night and hooked up with this chick...you think you can cover my shift tonight?"
"Yeah man, no problem at all. You know I got yer back. No worries."
"You sure? I do feel kinda bad about this."
"Nah, go ahead, go get some. I need the extra hours anyway. My wife is in the hospital. It's lookin' pretty serious so I need all the extra cash I can get to take care of Vanessa and Charlie. Besides, it's not like anything happens that often anyway, hahah"
"Yeah man, I know, tell me about! It's such a boring job! Anyway, thanks bro, I owe you one!"
"Don't mention it!"
Next thing he knows, some random bitch just shows up, kicks everyone in the face and hangs him from his neck in the ceiling. Now, not only might he possibly face severe damage to his throat, but he's probably going to get fired, not going to get paid, and is going to have to find a new job while trying to support his family. And in this economy, it's going to be hard to find a new job.
That scenario can pretty much apply to any scenario in movies. It always happens. Some guy is just doing his job, not even a bad guy at heart. He might do charity work. Maybe helps out the homeless down at the soup kitchen. Then what happens? Some guy comes in and shoots them or otherwise beats the shit out of them!
Now, I'm not saying she should've tried to talk her way in there or gone all Mission Impossible and sneak in through the ceiling and crawl through the ducts for five hours. She didn't have to go overkill on them though. They're just doing their jobs.
Man, it's a really good thing for security guards that superheros don't exist or they'd be fucked.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Doctor's Visit
This is a short story about when I had to go to the doctor's last summer. The saga began when I was at a party. My friend's brother had gotten back from the Marines, so that meant it was time for partyin'. While it was fun, it wasn't any different from other parties. Food, games, fun, drinking, though I don't drink personally. I can't even drink pop without it burning my mouth and throat, but I digress. That night when I went to sleep, I started to feel really odd. I felt an overwhelming cold, but that house is always so cold (in the winter, you can see your breath), that I figured it was just the environment. Later as I slept, I felt a complete switch to being super hot and started to feel a dull pain in my head. I thought that maybe I was just a bit dehydrated, or at the worse, I was going to get the flu. If only I was so lucky.
Days later, the condition only worsened. After a couple days, my fever got a bit higher, but thankfully not high enough to really warrant any troubles over that specifically. So I took care of my already sick little brother and sister. They needed my help more than I needed to rest. What I didn't notice at the time was that little brother was playing bio-terrorist and kept on drinking out of my drinks. I noticed a couple times, though I didn't think anything of it. 'I got a strong immune system, it'll be alright'. Oh boy how wrong I was.
Meanwhile, the headache wouldn't go away. My mom got pissed for a couple days cause she thought that I had started drinking at that party and I had an extreme hangover, though after the second day, she figured I was probably a bit sick and got of that theory.
Now, I really, REALLY hate taking any kind of medicine, the idea of medication floating around in me pisses me off, so for awhile I refused to take any kind of Aspirin. At a certain point it got so bad, I kinda had to tap out and take the meds. That unfortunately, did nothing. My headache eventually turned into a migraine of such huge proportions. It felt like a railroad spike was being slowly twisted into my head from all angles. My mom finally took me to the hospital.
At the hospital, I took a couple of tests. Remember that time before when I thought I might have been getting the flu? Yeah, turns out that I had something called Viral Meningitis. For anyone that doesn't know what that is, it's a disease that attacks the fluids in the spinal column. Yay!
They had the general hint that that is what it was, but in order to be fully certain they had to give me a spinal tap. Some people are a bit confused as to what that is. Well, a spinal tap is when (if you don't like needles, just skip down a paragraph) they take a five inch needle and insert it into your spine. I had to have it injected, ALL OF IT, into my lower spine. Twice. I gotta say, although they gave a tiny bit of numbing medication, it's still the weirdest feeling to feel a needle scraping on your vertebrate column.
So after the spinal tap, they drew some blood and left to take some tests. When they came back, the doctor said that the results of my test came in, and even though by this time they had doped me up on a couple pain drugs (morphine being the big one), I was still able to ask the question I've always wanted to ask a doctor.
"Hey, have the results of my midichlorian test come back yet doc?", if you don't know what that is, you need to watch Star Wars.
The doctor didn't even bat an eye, his immediate response was, "Yes, and it appears that the force is startlingly strong within you. After this you shall be training with Master Plo-Koon."
My mom barely even got what that was even to mean, she just understood the force part of that. My nurse just gave us the weirdest ass look ever like we just spoke another language. I had the biggest grin that I got the smart doctor. Yes, the fact that he knew Star Wars made him the smart doctor.
So the results came back in, and I did indeed have Viral Meningitis and I'd have to stay in the hospital in a few days to make sure I didn't have Bacterial Meningitis. If I had that one, shit was gonna get real.
So I went upstairs and stayed in a room. I took a nice long sleep (I woke up really early with that headache so I was still quite sleepy. In combination with the drugs, I was just knocked out). When I woke up, I realized I hadn't eaten a thing so I decided to order some room service. I know they say hospital food is terrible, but I decided to take a chance. I ordered a turkey sandwich, some vanilla wafers, a banana and some water.
It came and I started to scarf down the sandwich, I was a lot hungrier than I thought. It was a week full of mistakes for me. I threw up the sandwich, and to feel mushy bread and the texture of deli meat coming back up through the esophagus is the weirdest thing. So I threw that up, called in a nurse, they took it away.
A few moments later, I decided I still needed something in my stomach, and I know it's always good to eat crackers when you're throwing up. In my mind, vanilla wafers = crackers, so that was the next thing to go. Well, my body started to kick it back. I literally spoke out at my stomach.
"Really? You're going to throw up wafers? Don't be a puss, keep it dow-Blllllaehakhdkcahuikushdikfuhaikhfkhkash....Fuck you stomach". So Again I called the nurse to take my puke bucket.
After throwing up twice, I figured I was probably quite dehydrated so I decided to drink the water, and if you've been reading this, you can probably predict with great accuracy what happened next.
"God damn it stomach, don't do this to me. You're going to kick back water!? You're such an asshole. Keep. It. Bllaaaarrgggghljoakwejfpasdvwoeifjoidf...You suck". By this time, I wouldn't blame the nurse if she hated me by now.
It was found out that the reason why I was throwing up so much was because I am one of a very small group of people who have a bad reaction to morphine. Woot. So they switched me over to some other stuff and I went to bed again, though this time when I woke up, I was able to actually eat, and eat I did.
The next day, it was relaxing. I was able to just be in some peace and quiet, away from my loud ass family and sleep. I watched a couple of classic movies and the nurse that I had was quite intrigued that someone kind of young would be interested in that sort of thing.
This nurse was really cute. She was a black girl, probably in her mid twenties, going through med school, pretty voice. After the classic movies, I started to switch to the Discovery Channel and watched that. A show about medical weed came on and she entered the room while I was watching it and we talking about weed ( I don't smoke, and she said neither did she, but we had a large talk about it nonetheless). We talked about music and got to know each other, and I felt kinda bad I was keeping her all to myself. Kinda.
Every time she left, she'd always say something like, "Well...I gotta go, unless there's...anything else that you need?"
Me being the pervert that I am, thought she might be hinting at a little somethin' somethin', though I figured that wasn't the case. I know that only happens in porn, and I couldn't possibly have been that lucky. Plus, it would've made every trip after that awkward if I tried to make a move. Still, I think I should have.
She eventually got switched out with another nurse, a man nurse, for the midnight shift. He was a pretty cool guy, a black dude, we talked a little bit. Though there was one awkward moment.
He asked what I thought about T.O. and some other football player being on the same team that season. Well, I don't watch football, I watch hockey and asked him if he knew anything about that. He just stared back at me and said, "Dude, I'm black. I have no idea about anything about hockey".
So long story made a little bit shorter, I got better, had the most relaxing three days I've ever had, and went home...only to find that I had to stay home for a week. So what did I do that week? I watched a TON of anime. It's just how I roll as a cool kid.
Days later, the condition only worsened. After a couple days, my fever got a bit higher, but thankfully not high enough to really warrant any troubles over that specifically. So I took care of my already sick little brother and sister. They needed my help more than I needed to rest. What I didn't notice at the time was that little brother was playing bio-terrorist and kept on drinking out of my drinks. I noticed a couple times, though I didn't think anything of it. 'I got a strong immune system, it'll be alright'. Oh boy how wrong I was.
Meanwhile, the headache wouldn't go away. My mom got pissed for a couple days cause she thought that I had started drinking at that party and I had an extreme hangover, though after the second day, she figured I was probably a bit sick and got of that theory.
Now, I really, REALLY hate taking any kind of medicine, the idea of medication floating around in me pisses me off, so for awhile I refused to take any kind of Aspirin. At a certain point it got so bad, I kinda had to tap out and take the meds. That unfortunately, did nothing. My headache eventually turned into a migraine of such huge proportions. It felt like a railroad spike was being slowly twisted into my head from all angles. My mom finally took me to the hospital.
At the hospital, I took a couple of tests. Remember that time before when I thought I might have been getting the flu? Yeah, turns out that I had something called Viral Meningitis. For anyone that doesn't know what that is, it's a disease that attacks the fluids in the spinal column. Yay!
They had the general hint that that is what it was, but in order to be fully certain they had to give me a spinal tap. Some people are a bit confused as to what that is. Well, a spinal tap is when (if you don't like needles, just skip down a paragraph) they take a five inch needle and insert it into your spine. I had to have it injected, ALL OF IT, into my lower spine. Twice. I gotta say, although they gave a tiny bit of numbing medication, it's still the weirdest feeling to feel a needle scraping on your vertebrate column.
So after the spinal tap, they drew some blood and left to take some tests. When they came back, the doctor said that the results of my test came in, and even though by this time they had doped me up on a couple pain drugs (morphine being the big one), I was still able to ask the question I've always wanted to ask a doctor.
"Hey, have the results of my midichlorian test come back yet doc?", if you don't know what that is, you need to watch Star Wars.
The doctor didn't even bat an eye, his immediate response was, "Yes, and it appears that the force is startlingly strong within you. After this you shall be training with Master Plo-Koon."
My mom barely even got what that was even to mean, she just understood the force part of that. My nurse just gave us the weirdest ass look ever like we just spoke another language. I had the biggest grin that I got the smart doctor. Yes, the fact that he knew Star Wars made him the smart doctor.
So the results came back in, and I did indeed have Viral Meningitis and I'd have to stay in the hospital in a few days to make sure I didn't have Bacterial Meningitis. If I had that one, shit was gonna get real.
So I went upstairs and stayed in a room. I took a nice long sleep (I woke up really early with that headache so I was still quite sleepy. In combination with the drugs, I was just knocked out). When I woke up, I realized I hadn't eaten a thing so I decided to order some room service. I know they say hospital food is terrible, but I decided to take a chance. I ordered a turkey sandwich, some vanilla wafers, a banana and some water.
It came and I started to scarf down the sandwich, I was a lot hungrier than I thought. It was a week full of mistakes for me. I threw up the sandwich, and to feel mushy bread and the texture of deli meat coming back up through the esophagus is the weirdest thing. So I threw that up, called in a nurse, they took it away.
A few moments later, I decided I still needed something in my stomach, and I know it's always good to eat crackers when you're throwing up. In my mind, vanilla wafers = crackers, so that was the next thing to go. Well, my body started to kick it back. I literally spoke out at my stomach.
"Really? You're going to throw up wafers? Don't be a puss, keep it dow-Blllllaehakhdkcahuikushdikfuhaikhfkhkash....Fuck you stomach". So Again I called the nurse to take my puke bucket.
After throwing up twice, I figured I was probably quite dehydrated so I decided to drink the water, and if you've been reading this, you can probably predict with great accuracy what happened next.
"God damn it stomach, don't do this to me. You're going to kick back water!? You're such an asshole. Keep. It. Bllaaaarrgggghljoakwejfpasdvwoeifjoidf...You suck". By this time, I wouldn't blame the nurse if she hated me by now.
It was found out that the reason why I was throwing up so much was because I am one of a very small group of people who have a bad reaction to morphine. Woot. So they switched me over to some other stuff and I went to bed again, though this time when I woke up, I was able to actually eat, and eat I did.
The next day, it was relaxing. I was able to just be in some peace and quiet, away from my loud ass family and sleep. I watched a couple of classic movies and the nurse that I had was quite intrigued that someone kind of young would be interested in that sort of thing.
This nurse was really cute. She was a black girl, probably in her mid twenties, going through med school, pretty voice. After the classic movies, I started to switch to the Discovery Channel and watched that. A show about medical weed came on and she entered the room while I was watching it and we talking about weed ( I don't smoke, and she said neither did she, but we had a large talk about it nonetheless). We talked about music and got to know each other, and I felt kinda bad I was keeping her all to myself. Kinda.
Every time she left, she'd always say something like, "Well...I gotta go, unless there's...anything else that you need?"
Me being the pervert that I am, thought she might be hinting at a little somethin' somethin', though I figured that wasn't the case. I know that only happens in porn, and I couldn't possibly have been that lucky. Plus, it would've made every trip after that awkward if I tried to make a move. Still, I think I should have.
She eventually got switched out with another nurse, a man nurse, for the midnight shift. He was a pretty cool guy, a black dude, we talked a little bit. Though there was one awkward moment.
He asked what I thought about T.O. and some other football player being on the same team that season. Well, I don't watch football, I watch hockey and asked him if he knew anything about that. He just stared back at me and said, "Dude, I'm black. I have no idea about anything about hockey".
So long story made a little bit shorter, I got better, had the most relaxing three days I've ever had, and went home...only to find that I had to stay home for a week. So what did I do that week? I watched a TON of anime. It's just how I roll as a cool kid.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Cosmopolitan
So I'm a late night person. I like to go out with friends late at night and just fool around. It's much more fun that way, the night adds a veil, a touch of mystery to our otherwise foolish acts. We'll take late night strolls around town, munch at some foods at a late night restaurant, have some laughs. Every now and then, we'll go to the 24/7 Meijer's (a shopping center) and wander around. Sometimes we'll even play a game of tag.
About a week ago, I went with some friends down to Meijer's, not because we wanted to play tag, but because my friends wanted candy really bad and we were already driving by it. So we stopped by and scoured the shelves for some specific candy that my friend's wanted. One of them we couldn't find (Snicker's Peanut Butter Squared) but while we were searching, we found the tabloid and magazine sections.
Now while I'm not a person who is interested as to what celebrities are having babies with who and snorting whose cocaine off of whose stomach, the magazines that cater to the people who really enjoy conspiracy theories are ones that I always find hilarious. Anytime I go to a store, I try to look for a copy of those. I'm not sure if they even still exist, but it is something I always try to look for.
This one particular time, the Cosmopolitan caught my eye. Not even because of a sexy woman on the cover. For those of my ten or so readers that go through and check this out that don't know, Cosmopolitan is a magazine geared towards women that reveals various sex, beauty, and other misc. tips to help out the average woman. Being a man, I usually linger on it for a second to look at the title, maybe take a look at the woman gracing the cover, then go onto the next one. This magazine was different.
On the front, it said, "75 Sex Moves He Craves" in big bold print. Being a guy, I wanted to see how accurate this was. So I picked it up, gathered around my other friends (a guy and his girlfriend) and we were going to see how these shaped up.
Some of these made sense. One of them said something on the lines of how this guy wished his girl would surprise him with sex. Okay, I get that. I can see where he's coming from. Another one was something that seemed like it could've been fixed really easily. It said something that he wished his girl would've put her legs in a different way when they were doing certain things, which in reality seems like he could've just said, "Hey, do this" or even better yet, do it himself, but everyone has different circumstances. One of them was just sad. One of them said he wished his girlfriend would've opened her eyes at least ONCE during sex. Which just immediately made me "D'awww". There were two however that were just ridiculous.
One of them said something like, "I wish that when my girl rode me on top of me, she'd use her legs to spin herself around on my penis like she was a top.". Now, I'm just going to say straight up and admit right here that I still have not lost my virginity. Still, even so, I can make a pretty good educated guess and say that a woman can not go Hitmontop (that was a Pok'e'mon reference)on a penis. I think it might just break or something. Like I said though, I don't know if it could be possible. Maybe she could get her swivel on or something, but he described a girl being a rotating object on his phallus.
The next one was just mind blowing. This man said that when a woman gives him a hand job, he wishes that a woman would take both of her hands...and twist in the opposite direction. Now, I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm pretty sure what he just described was an Indian Burn. On his penis. Now, I'm not going to judge this guy, to each his own. We all have our own fetishes, likes, dislikes. I can understand that, I hold nothing against this guy.
What I do have against this is the fact that Cosmo is selling this out as a TIP to women. They are saying that this is something that guys are going to like. If they want to be good at sexual relationships, that is a good tip to have in mind. If I am ever, EVER with a girl and she thinks to herself, 'Hmm...I remember reading that thing in Cosmo about twisting my hands in opposite directions' and proceeds to twist my dick in her hands...Relationship is over. There is no if ands or buts about it. It is done.
About a week ago, I went with some friends down to Meijer's, not because we wanted to play tag, but because my friends wanted candy really bad and we were already driving by it. So we stopped by and scoured the shelves for some specific candy that my friend's wanted. One of them we couldn't find (Snicker's Peanut Butter Squared) but while we were searching, we found the tabloid and magazine sections.
Now while I'm not a person who is interested as to what celebrities are having babies with who and snorting whose cocaine off of whose stomach, the magazines that cater to the people who really enjoy conspiracy theories are ones that I always find hilarious. Anytime I go to a store, I try to look for a copy of those. I'm not sure if they even still exist, but it is something I always try to look for.
This one particular time, the Cosmopolitan caught my eye. Not even because of a sexy woman on the cover. For those of my ten or so readers that go through and check this out that don't know, Cosmopolitan is a magazine geared towards women that reveals various sex, beauty, and other misc. tips to help out the average woman. Being a man, I usually linger on it for a second to look at the title, maybe take a look at the woman gracing the cover, then go onto the next one. This magazine was different.
On the front, it said, "75 Sex Moves He Craves" in big bold print. Being a guy, I wanted to see how accurate this was. So I picked it up, gathered around my other friends (a guy and his girlfriend) and we were going to see how these shaped up.
Some of these made sense. One of them said something on the lines of how this guy wished his girl would surprise him with sex. Okay, I get that. I can see where he's coming from. Another one was something that seemed like it could've been fixed really easily. It said something that he wished his girl would've put her legs in a different way when they were doing certain things, which in reality seems like he could've just said, "Hey, do this" or even better yet, do it himself, but everyone has different circumstances. One of them was just sad. One of them said he wished his girlfriend would've opened her eyes at least ONCE during sex. Which just immediately made me "D'awww". There were two however that were just ridiculous.
One of them said something like, "I wish that when my girl rode me on top of me, she'd use her legs to spin herself around on my penis like she was a top.". Now, I'm just going to say straight up and admit right here that I still have not lost my virginity. Still, even so, I can make a pretty good educated guess and say that a woman can not go Hitmontop (that was a Pok'e'mon reference)on a penis. I think it might just break or something. Like I said though, I don't know if it could be possible. Maybe she could get her swivel on or something, but he described a girl being a rotating object on his phallus.
The next one was just mind blowing. This man said that when a woman gives him a hand job, he wishes that a woman would take both of her hands...and twist in the opposite direction. Now, I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm pretty sure what he just described was an Indian Burn. On his penis. Now, I'm not going to judge this guy, to each his own. We all have our own fetishes, likes, dislikes. I can understand that, I hold nothing against this guy.
What I do have against this is the fact that Cosmo is selling this out as a TIP to women. They are saying that this is something that guys are going to like. If they want to be good at sexual relationships, that is a good tip to have in mind. If I am ever, EVER with a girl and she thinks to herself, 'Hmm...I remember reading that thing in Cosmo about twisting my hands in opposite directions' and proceeds to twist my dick in her hands...Relationship is over. There is no if ands or buts about it. It is done.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Badass Animals
So recently through the use of National Geographic and friends, I found out about two exceptionally bad ass animals. One of them is the Japanese Hornet and the other one is the Honey Badger. In case you didn't want to read this wall of text, I provided two videos.
Now, you may be thinking that a Japanese Hornet can't be any worse than a regular hornet and the honey badger sounds like a pussy. Well I'm about to tell you how dead fuckin' wrong you are.
The Japanese Hornet. Now that shit isn't an ordinary hornet. I'm glad that is in Japan where it can't reach me in America cause those things are scary looking gangsta bees. Imagine your regular standard sized bee. You see one of those, you freak the fuck out and stand still and don't do anything lest you upset the fearsome creature. Now multiply that by five and you have average size of the Japanese hornet. Those things don't give four fucks about five fucks on anything and they will tear up whatever they need to to get what they need.
What I saw must give me pause, because it was so brutal. These wasps are like the spartans of the insect world. Remember those bees that you're scared of? The ones that if you sting, it'll cause a bit of discomfort and pain? Well, these hornets make bitches out of those little bees. From the footage I saw, one of these hornets flies out and finds a nest of bees. They're doing their own thing, makin' their honey, completely unaware of their own impending demise.
The Hornet then will fly off, leaving a scent trail so that it can find it again. Then it goes back to its own next and brings back his posse of about thirty and rolls back up there. Him and his thirty squad mates just go in there and fuck EVERYTHING up. 30 Hornets vs. 30,000+ bees. And win. Now just to give a good estimate of that scale, imagine one of the largest universities. The population of some of the largest has about 30,000+ students enrolling. Now imagine a large class of high school students, that's probably about 30. Now give the college kids sticks and stones and whatever the hell else you can think of. Now give the high school students the best armor, weaponry, movement systems, strength, agility, EVERYTHING, and you would get pretty much what what happened. A slaughter.
The hornets fly into that nest and kill everything. No bees are spared, all of them beheaded. Their stings are useless. The hornets don't give a fuck, roll up in there and take their babies so they can eat them later. Now that's what I call gangsta.
Then there's the honey badger. This fucker is about the size of a medium sized dog, which is pretty good in most respects and could probably fend off some potential predators on its own power. But you probably wouldn't expect it to be able to fight off something like a...lion and live would you? Again, that's where'd you'd be wrong. This asshole of the African Savannah fights the biggest animals on there just to be a dick and wins. He will neuter a lion and just walk off while the lion wails in pain and loses his land and his pride of 30 bitch lions all in one foul swoop.
The honey badger does not take shit from nobody and eats whatever the hell he wants. All he does is walk around and eat things, doesn't even care what it is. If he finds a nest of killers bees, KILLER BEES, and will invade that. They'll sting him all over and he won't even flinch. Now, you could safely assume that being his name is the HONEY badger, he'd go after the honey, but nope, again, just to be an ass clown, he won't do what you tell him. He'll eat the bees babies, gettin' stung up and will leave like nothing even happened because that's just who he is.
There is one thing that completely astonished me that brought him from just another prick to badass. One day as he's roaming, he sees a puff adder and takes the meal out of his jaws. Now, you may not know what a puff adder is, so I will educate you a bit. A puff adder is one of the most venomous snakes in the known world. He bites you, it's over, it's all over. And this asshole just took it's meal out of it's jaws. Try taking the coke of a Columbian drug lord. As he's sniffing it. See if you live. That's what this badger just did.
Then, like a true dick, he just sits there and eats the meal the puff adder worked to get. Teasing it. Then to make matters worse (though I'm not sure for who) the badger just looks at the snake and starts to look at it like desert. The puff adder is now thoroughly pissed. He wants some sweet revenge. I'll put this into pok'e'mon style battle.
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective...Badger is now poisoned!]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective... ]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective... ]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective... ]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Crunch!!! It's a critical hit! PUFF ADDER DIES!]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
-Badger has fainted...-
Now, if you'll read carefully, the Puff Adder dies while the badger merely FAINTS. The badger gets hit a few times by one of the most venomous creatures, and merely faints. A few hours later, he wakes up and stumbles around as if he had a bad hangover and just goes on his merry way (after eating the rest of the snake of course).
If you can find a more badass animal than that I would love to hear about it cause that....that is truly astonishing.
Now, you may be thinking that a Japanese Hornet can't be any worse than a regular hornet and the honey badger sounds like a pussy. Well I'm about to tell you how dead fuckin' wrong you are.
The Japanese Hornet. Now that shit isn't an ordinary hornet. I'm glad that is in Japan where it can't reach me in America cause those things are scary looking gangsta bees. Imagine your regular standard sized bee. You see one of those, you freak the fuck out and stand still and don't do anything lest you upset the fearsome creature. Now multiply that by five and you have average size of the Japanese hornet. Those things don't give four fucks about five fucks on anything and they will tear up whatever they need to to get what they need.
What I saw must give me pause, because it was so brutal. These wasps are like the spartans of the insect world. Remember those bees that you're scared of? The ones that if you sting, it'll cause a bit of discomfort and pain? Well, these hornets make bitches out of those little bees. From the footage I saw, one of these hornets flies out and finds a nest of bees. They're doing their own thing, makin' their honey, completely unaware of their own impending demise.
The Hornet then will fly off, leaving a scent trail so that it can find it again. Then it goes back to its own next and brings back his posse of about thirty and rolls back up there. Him and his thirty squad mates just go in there and fuck EVERYTHING up. 30 Hornets vs. 30,000+ bees. And win. Now just to give a good estimate of that scale, imagine one of the largest universities. The population of some of the largest has about 30,000+ students enrolling. Now imagine a large class of high school students, that's probably about 30. Now give the college kids sticks and stones and whatever the hell else you can think of. Now give the high school students the best armor, weaponry, movement systems, strength, agility, EVERYTHING, and you would get pretty much what what happened. A slaughter.
The hornets fly into that nest and kill everything. No bees are spared, all of them beheaded. Their stings are useless. The hornets don't give a fuck, roll up in there and take their babies so they can eat them later. Now that's what I call gangsta.
Then there's the honey badger. This fucker is about the size of a medium sized dog, which is pretty good in most respects and could probably fend off some potential predators on its own power. But you probably wouldn't expect it to be able to fight off something like a...lion and live would you? Again, that's where'd you'd be wrong. This asshole of the African Savannah fights the biggest animals on there just to be a dick and wins. He will neuter a lion and just walk off while the lion wails in pain and loses his land and his pride of 30 bitch lions all in one foul swoop.
The honey badger does not take shit from nobody and eats whatever the hell he wants. All he does is walk around and eat things, doesn't even care what it is. If he finds a nest of killers bees, KILLER BEES, and will invade that. They'll sting him all over and he won't even flinch. Now, you could safely assume that being his name is the HONEY badger, he'd go after the honey, but nope, again, just to be an ass clown, he won't do what you tell him. He'll eat the bees babies, gettin' stung up and will leave like nothing even happened because that's just who he is.
There is one thing that completely astonished me that brought him from just another prick to badass. One day as he's roaming, he sees a puff adder and takes the meal out of his jaws. Now, you may not know what a puff adder is, so I will educate you a bit. A puff adder is one of the most venomous snakes in the known world. He bites you, it's over, it's all over. And this asshole just took it's meal out of it's jaws. Try taking the coke of a Columbian drug lord. As he's sniffing it. See if you live. That's what this badger just did.
Then, like a true dick, he just sits there and eats the meal the puff adder worked to get. Teasing it. Then to make matters worse (though I'm not sure for who) the badger just looks at the snake and starts to look at it like desert. The puff adder is now thoroughly pissed. He wants some sweet revenge. I'll put this into pok'e'mon style battle.
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective...Badger is now poisoned!]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective... ]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective... ]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Leer! Puff Adder's defense goes down]
[Puff Adder uses Poison Fang! It's not very effective... ]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
[Badger uses Crunch!!! It's a critical hit! PUFF ADDER DIES!]
-Badger is hurt by poison!-
-Badger has fainted...-
Now, if you'll read carefully, the Puff Adder dies while the badger merely FAINTS. The badger gets hit a few times by one of the most venomous creatures, and merely faints. A few hours later, he wakes up and stumbles around as if he had a bad hangover and just goes on his merry way (after eating the rest of the snake of course).
If you can find a more badass animal than that I would love to hear about it cause that....that is truly astonishing.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Awkward Question
So incidentally, I still (unfortunately) live with my mother and siblings. My mom and my younger sister (aged 14) often get into fights about the most mundane things. My sister likes to instigate things seemingly for the most asinine reasons. I usually try to ignore these by listening to music or doing something productive, or at the very best, leaving when I can.
While I tried to ignore their senseless arguing yesterday, they just HAD to ask me a question. A question that they had to make sure I answered and answered truthfully. They apparently could not move on with their debate until a vital piece of information only I could give was given. What was that question?
"Hey! Do you watch porn!?"
"Wait...what?"
"Yeah, do you watch porn?"
"....Sometimes?"
"SEE! HE DOES!"
"There's a difference! He's 19 and you're 14!"
After that, I tuned everything out. I'm just glad my mom didn't ask what kind of porn I watch. I'm sure it would've been quite unsatisfactory and made things even more weird. But wait! Things get better.
My friend came over to hang out and chill. I'm still on the computer trying to tune everything out but my friend...he is not so fortunate. My friend gets dragged into this.
"CHRIS! Do you watch porn?"
[To me] "Did...did your mom really just ask what I think she asked?"
"Don't answer. You don't have to answer"
"CHRIS!!! DO YOU WATCH PORN!?"
"...."
"DO. YOU. WATCH. PORN?!"
"He's [referring to me] telling me not to answer"
"Why?! Why shouldn't you answer!?"
"Cause it's weird mom!"
"Why?!"
I tossed him my Mp3 player and helped him drown it out.
While I tried to ignore their senseless arguing yesterday, they just HAD to ask me a question. A question that they had to make sure I answered and answered truthfully. They apparently could not move on with their debate until a vital piece of information only I could give was given. What was that question?
"Hey! Do you watch porn!?"
"Wait...what?"
"Yeah, do you watch porn?"
"....Sometimes?"
"SEE! HE DOES!"
"There's a difference! He's 19 and you're 14!"
After that, I tuned everything out. I'm just glad my mom didn't ask what kind of porn I watch. I'm sure it would've been quite unsatisfactory and made things even more weird. But wait! Things get better.
My friend came over to hang out and chill. I'm still on the computer trying to tune everything out but my friend...he is not so fortunate. My friend gets dragged into this.
"CHRIS! Do you watch porn?"
[To me] "Did...did your mom really just ask what I think she asked?"
"Don't answer. You don't have to answer"
"CHRIS!!! DO YOU WATCH PORN!?"
"...."
"DO. YOU. WATCH. PORN?!"
"He's [referring to me] telling me not to answer"
"Why?! Why shouldn't you answer!?"
"Cause it's weird mom!"
"Why?!"
I tossed him my Mp3 player and helped him drown it out.
Monday, April 11, 2011
It's been awhile
It's been a really long time since I've updated anything, but here I am, finally able to publish an entry. A lot has happened. I thought I was going to be able to procure a car before my birthday, but the guy who was going to sell me the car was really flakey and ended up not coming through. Luckily, I got a friend who is quite reliable who might be selling me their car within the month. I'm hoping that goes through.
The birthday party I had was really fun. Lots of games played, pranks were had, pizza and cake all around. Late night. Nothing much to say, really. It was quite ordinary as far as birthday parties go, but it was still super fun.
One of my friends recently had to leave to go to the air force, that is kinda sad, but he's doing something with his life, which is a lot better than I can say for myself. I never really realized how important a car was in this day and age until now. At least here where I live. I wish there was a bus or train system or something.
Not much to say in this post. Just a short brief description of major events that have happened recently. Oh, and I discovered stumbleupon. It's a lot of fun.
By the way, if you'd be so kind as to drop by, I have a new entry on other blog Revenant. Please leave some comments or something. Thanks again for reading!
The birthday party I had was really fun. Lots of games played, pranks were had, pizza and cake all around. Late night. Nothing much to say, really. It was quite ordinary as far as birthday parties go, but it was still super fun.
One of my friends recently had to leave to go to the air force, that is kinda sad, but he's doing something with his life, which is a lot better than I can say for myself. I never really realized how important a car was in this day and age until now. At least here where I live. I wish there was a bus or train system or something.
Not much to say in this post. Just a short brief description of major events that have happened recently. Oh, and I discovered stumbleupon. It's a lot of fun.
By the way, if you'd be so kind as to drop by, I have a new entry on other blog Revenant. Please leave some comments or something. Thanks again for reading!
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