Friday (I'm in Love)

[Written January 21st, 2017. Wasn't posted due to a lack of internet connection and then a lack of concern  to get this posted]

Now may be the most inappropriate time to write this but I figured I should write this while I can. Before my feelings on the previous week get overwritten. Last week (January 14^th, 2017) something I feel that is wonderful happened to me. Most of any of these entries are always fucked up feelings I have. Usually a way for me to vent out my frustrations and displeasure with myself, my circumstances, or the world I’m in. Instead, I have a change of pace and I’m going to write about something rather pleasant.

As previously written about, I was with Megan. It was a wonderful weekend. Of course, it was filled with its ups and downs, but it had much higher ups than it did downs. Even though it’s been about a week and a lot of the raw emotion has disappeared, I wanted to at least throw it down here so that a year, two years, five years down the road I can read back on it and have at least something happy to read up on instead of gloom. Just a little glimmer of hope.

That, and if any of my friends find this, I want to impart them with at least one thing positive.

I’m always happy when I’m around Megan. Even if we’re just in silence, I can enjoy the time with her. It drives me up a wall sometimes because I was always in situations where silence meant trouble. Still, it isn’t bad with her. It’s rather enjoyable.

We had a heart to heart. She took my hands and she asked, “Hey, so you know you fell in love with a crazy girl right?”

I could only laugh. Cause she was right. It felt like my emotions imploded. All the weight that I carried on my shoulders collapsed in on itself and settled. It imploded in the most pleasant of ways. I shook my head.

“Yeah, well, didn’t someone say that all the best people are crazy?”

I remember her saying something in response, but I think I went temporarily insane and beside myself. I just couldn’t help but feel…. Validated almost. Validated that she saw right through me and wasn’t repulsed. The insecure part of me that will always be nagging at me, eating at me, still continues to believe it was some kind of fucked up joke, but I can work through that.

For anyone, including future me, reading this, you might have noticed it only said she knew I loved her. The next day, it was a similar situation. Except she leaned in close and whispered, “Cozy… I think I’m in love with you. And I don’t know what to do”

I really had no response. I think it honestly just took everything in my body to not just explode. Still, she was intoxicated, so that demon of insecurity claws away at me thinking she only said it because she was drunk. I just hope against hope she was speaking from the heart.

I love her, I truly do. It’s weird to think about how my life got to this point, but I can’t help but feel otherwise. Maybe a year later I’ll come back to this, read it, and think I’m some kind of fool for falling this hard. But maybe I’ll come back to this and only think I’m a fool because future me has only fallen harder.