Dearest L

Dear L,

I know the chances are REALLY fucking slim you'll ever read this, but no matter when you do, most of this will still be true. I was prompted to write a letter to someone who you know will never read it, but part of me secretly hopes that you do. I don't want to guilt you, if anything, I want to thank you.

Overall, I don't know how I should feel about you. You gave me a lot but took away just as much. I go through bouts of hating everything about you and missing you just as deeply. I don't care about the fact that you chose someone else over me, hell, I don't even care that you became a lesbian after me. I just hate the fact that you cut me off without giving me any kind of reason. When I asked you, all you said was because. Then you pull some shit about me respecting your space and how I shouldn't ask? Fuck you. I respected you, but that's bullshit and I no longer do.

I was so fucking angry that I almost broke the knuckles in my fists breaking shit; blood dripped from my fingers. I wasn't angry at you though, I was angry at myself. In this time of my own peaceful existence and coming to terms with myself and trying to not hate everything, you reminded me of why that was naive and foolish.

You gave me a reason to hate again, a reason to be strong, a reason to be angry. I forgot, maybe it was because of you yourself that I had forgotten in the first place, but I had forgotten not to trust too deeply, and that was a mistake that I pay for dearly. You opened my eyes once more to the darkness of the world, that people will easily take advantage of someone given the chance.

You helped me become stronger. If not for you, I would not have started getting back into shape. I wouldn't have started working out, if anything, to give myself a legal outlet in which to workout (hah, pun) my fury. In the two months it's been, I've lost forty pounds of fat. My state of emotional contentment kept me weak both in body and mind. You released it and helped me embrace my rage and hostility, and for that, I thank you.I appreciate that you have revealed to me the shadows and monsters that exist in the world, and most of all me.

However, I would be lying to say I don't I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss how easy it would be to mess with you and get you flustered. I miss how you would purr. I miss how hard you blush. I miss all of your little antics. I miss those naive times that I had. But most of all, I miss being okay with you knowing how weak I am.

Signed, Cozy.

Shit

My life is just swirling down to utter shit at the moment. This really is the only place I can log these feelings of mine without anyone knowing. The only place. I'm glad I set this up so I can vent my feelings. Should help me feel better.

Well, a friend of mine died. His name was Ubong. A man from Africa, he was one of the most eloquent, respecting, well mannered, polite people it has ever been in my fortune to meet. He was always willing to help out another, could never speak ill will of anyone even if his life depended on it....Maybe that's bad phrasing to use right now.

Ubong was someone I met at work and I'm glad I did. There's only two other people who I could say are as selfless as he was; my two friends, Ben and Anthony Hoff. Such pure generosity of spirit is so rare nowadays it was quite hopeful to see it. Studious, hard working... He didn't deserve this. As they say, the good die young, and he was one of the best.

All of this happened a week ago. I found out he died a week after the fact. Nobody told me anything. It's not like anyone actively hid it, it's just that nobody fucking bothered. It's like the soulless leeches at my job just didn't give a shit and all they saw was that they have one less worker. I fucking hate them. He only has one family member, and they're in California. He died alone. One of the best people I have ever known, and he died alone. Heaven better be real. He better be up there finally free from the torment of this world and able to be with his family. Ubong, if you can read this right now, if somehow you know that I'm typing this...You're a great guy.

Speaking of the lifeless corporate fuckers, I'm getting a demotion and a huge ass paycut. As much as I hate to admit it, I know have to admit that I am now owned by a corporation. They haven't completely bought me, but I know now that they own me. Coming down to ACEN, they told me I would get demoted even though I told them what I'd be doing fucking months ahead of time. So...I took the hit. I got demoted. Or..well, getting demoted. I'm going to get a pay cut. So not only have I sold my soul doing things that I should never do, things that I feel are completely and morally wrong, but now they own who I am. I guess 7.50 ends up being the price of my being. I still have some fight left though... I will not become lost to the world.

I might get fired though. I was supposed to be home yesterday (Today is Monday, 30th of April). I was supposed to buy a bus ticket and get my ass home and so I did. I was supposed to wake up and get there early. So I did. Then I found out that I got to the wrong bus stop. The completely wrong one. I waited at the wrong fucking bus station. Waiting for nothing, like the rest of my fucking life.

Being broke, I had no choice but to walk back to the convention center and my own foolish pride was my downfall. I was too prideful to ask for help and so I wandered around trying to find my way back. I got lost in the forest, probably the only fucking forest in Chicago, for four fucking hours. In the meantime I despaired and was starting to feel things crack. The pressure from everything was just starting to get to me, I was weak and helpless. I'm such a wreck.

Then there's the coup de gras. Elle.

Her and I have been fooling around with each other. Not too much, but we have been fooling around. It's been fun while it's lasted. I regret it though. I fucking regret every moment of it. I discovered that in doing so, being back with her has jump started feelings that I forgot I had. How did I find this out? Why do I regret this? Aren't feelings supposed to be a wonderful thing and since we're fooling around already doesn't it mean we could probably be together officially? Nope.

She recently rekindled an old fire with another guy. She really, really likes the guy, and while I was out getting lost and even at a rave trying to have a good time she was rediscovering her feelings for this guy and there was nothing I could do but just wait for her to tell me she was done with me. I realized how jealous I was and how much it hurt and it makes me feel fucking terrible. I have no right to feel this bad, yet I do. She doesn't want to do this anymore. I want to be with her I realize but she'd never see me like that. I just know that she wouldn't. I don't know why, but I can just feel like I'll never be anymore than the fuck buddy. Not even that, we never even fucked. I have no fucking right to feel this terrible. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. I hate feelings. Why do I have to have them? They do me no good except drag me down. I don't understand how people can carry these things with them. I'm on the verge of tears, the first tears of sorrow to fall from my eyes in nearly ten years.

I will keep these all inside me though. I vented to one person, I may tell one more person, but that is all. Aside from those two cracks, all of it will be kept inside of me until I die. I will keep my feelings, my secrets, the only two things left that are truly mine, and drown them in my darkness until I am swallowed in it.

Listening to a song called "Help is on the Way" by Rise Against. Sometimes it feels like there is no help.

Maybe this is just a way for the universe to show me what a terrible person I am. The terrible person I have turned out to be. Turns everything around on me and make me watch it collapse. Do all these terrible things to me while I'm supposed to be having a good time. All this juxtaposition to make it seem that much more terrible by contrast. I don't deserve to feel what I'm feeling. I don't deserve to be sad or angry. I should've just stayed in the forest. Left everyone. I fucking hate all of this. All of my hate.


Edit: I also got into a car accident later on. Just to add injury to insult.

Edit II: At the very end of the night, that girl from 'My Love(less) Life' decided that being friends with me was "too difficult" and she doesn't see the point in being friends with me anymore. After doing countless things for her, picking her up from random ass places because she chose to get drunk/high with strangers and doing that at the drop of a hat, after being ditched and let down an infinite number of times...It's too difficult for her to try and be friends with me. Fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her.

Weird Emotions

I've been feeling weird lately. I'm glad that nobody reads this anymore because this one is quite the...Debbie Downer of posts if anything. I have to write this however, at least for myself so that one day if I need to go back and do an evaluation about myself, I'll have something to draw from.

Lately I have been feeling a plethora of emotions drawing mostly from anger and depression. I think it's a good thing though, it used to be that I couldn't ever feel these things, but that doesn't mean I like it regardless. I don't know what to think about them, but at least I know why they're there.

The reason why I've been feeling down is the same reason why it always is; love-or lack thereof. I've been playing this one game recently called Katawa Shoujo and unfortunately got too deep into it. It's a visual novel (though I'm sure I'll never forget) with a few aspects of a dating sim. It's about a guy who ends up going to a school for the disabled and ends up falling in love with one of five girls; that's where the choices come in. The few choices you can make in the beginning determine what girl you end up trying to achieve. The choices you make after that determines whether you get the good or bad ending.

The first time I ended up being with a girl named Emi. She had no legs, but with her prosthetic legs, she ended up becoming the track star at the school. Falling in love with her upbeat cheeriness and her overall cute, positive demeanor, she was someone who was quite realistic, believable and no surprise to be my first 'choice'. As headstrong as I am and as brash in her physical condition as I do when I workout in the summers. She was also very shut in with her own emotions and push people away like how I do when people try to get in too deep with me. I could sympathize with her.

Like all good stories, there's always some kind of conflict and I thought it was going to end up being the confession part. That part was actually straight forward, hell, she came onto 'me'. The conflict came in being able to push past all her barriers and getting to be there for her. Long story short, I ended up making all the right decisions in the end and was finally able to be with her, and with the way things happened, it was truly satisfying. It felt good to experience some kind of love. Lately with girls I've been feeling too many feelings of lust so it was a nice balance.

Then came the next girl when I restarted. Her name is Lilly, she's blind, and quite proper. Very nice and cordial yet not in an innocent and condescending way, just very polite and thoughtful. Her story was a lot more involved as you also involved a third wheel friend named Hanako. Gradually, I fell in love with her character; not in a creepy obsessed way. I 'fell in love' with her in the same way one feels nothing but feelings of awe and amazement when an action hero fucks up the bad guys shit. You know it's all fake, but it's cool to see a guy drive a car into a helicopter and make it explode.

As time went on, the 'I' fell in a lot deeper of an emotional state with Lilly than I did with Emi. Maybe that's cause initially Lilly let me in, their confession to each other heartfelt and deep. Loving each other unconditionally. That's when, although I didn't realize it, it got personal. Things went on and I ended up achieving the bad ending. It was terrible; it broke me. As sad as it is, it completely broke me.

Hitting both of those at the same time killed me with a dose of depression. Due to some personal issues that I don't think I'll ever be able to overcome (future self, hopefully when you read this, you will have. That's just wishful thinking though), I feel like nobody will ever be able to love me unconditionally. Hell, sometimes I feel like I won't even be fully loved. Most people can say that they've felt love, which I have so there's that, they've felt heart break, and I've felt more than my fair share of that. Yet, I have never been loved myself. I don't know what it's like to have a girl cry over me and hold me close.

As much of a pussy as I feel admitting it, I remember holding a couple of girls close to me and loving the feeling of it. Feeling my heartbeat in the chest so hard that it physically hurt. Wanting to hold onto those girls but they gave me up in a snap. For one reason or another, I'm just not meant to be kept. Sure, there are girls that have liked me, no doubt about that, but it never gets deeper than that. Thinking about that has depressed me and bummed me out, breaking me out.

Then there's the other extreme.

This deep rooted anger. It's been coming and going in flares. It's been raging and boiling within for one reason or another. Lately I've been coming to resent a lot of things rather quickly. My family, some of my friends, myself. It's been quite easy.

My mom, just like I said in a post quite awhile ago as I re-read through them, is indeed using me. Using me as an ATM. Doing nothing but sapping my cash from me to pay for her things. I have to pay to live here and on top of that spend a large part of my checks on groceries. Then my mom gets a new car and suddenly I have to start paying more. Another fifty bucks a month and she expects this to me as if I owe this to her.

I used to think that that I owed it to her for raising me, but these thoughts as I've started to reflect on my past and future have started to be clear. I raised myself. Sure, she fed me and put a roof over my head and did get me a few things through the years, but that is something that it is the responsibility of the parent to do. I raised myself and all the things that I did for myself, I did it all by myself. I never asked for help even once. I do not ask for advice, I do not live my life for others. All the large things I did all by myself through wit and being resourceful.

Most kids have to get a car from their parents or relatives. I earned my car. I had to sacrifice getting any kind of job until after I got out of school because I had to devote myself to family and raising my little brother. I had to sacrifice my own relationships, times when precious memories could have been made, just too much time in general, all of them forsaken just to keep family stability. People say that family is all we have, but I could laugh at that.

Having to hide every single thing that I do out of guilt or shame on things that I shouldn't even have to feel guilty about. People have expressed their concern and sheer amazement on how I am able to hide so many things from my family or even why I would. Yet, it is the mounting pressures and stagnant feelings that have been building and swelling inside as I go out further into what has been known as 'the real world' has removed the veil from my eyes and make me see things for what they are.

Slowly, little by little, alienating myself purposely from my family I can finally start to see the fruits of it. My family is a very tight knit community, both in immediate and extended. They share and talk to each other all the time about their feelings, something I have never been able to do. I think they have realized it for now I overhear things, dramatic things (partly due to facebook) and I don't have to exposed to it, exploited and used as a scapegoat as I once was as I am starting to become my own person.

When I was a kid, I used to think that being beaten as punishment for shortcomings and doing something wrong was completely normal only to find out that I was just being abused. I thought those 'funny smells' were completely normal. Then I found out it was drugs. Time goes on and I think that the way my family uses me was normal, but now as I talk to other adults and see how they treat their kids and see my peers I realize I am just a fool again. They pretend they care, but I know that they care only out of obligation.

They always took the time to care about my sisters, my brother, other members of the family, but never me. Yet, I'm glad. I always stayed under the radar and I'm glad it's always worked. The only thing that bugs me is that I'm the only one who has to unjustifiably had to make so many sacrifices in their life in this family. Anyone else in this family, whenever they've had to deal with some kind of consequence, it's because they did something where they then deserved it. I've done nothing but keep my head down, do what I've been told; guess this is the consequences of my actions.

It's all these recent revelations that have cut my fuse. I used to live with the mindset that it's alright because it could always be worse. But I'm tired of putting up with mediocre. I want better. Maybe I'm finally Americanized.

I just hope that I'll learn to bottle up this new found rage and sadness as I have with other much more mundane things.

Zombies

So I had this dream where the zombie apocalypse had begun. I was trapped in a place that looked kind of like a sewer but it was also akin to that of the pipe system a larger building might have. Nothing but corridors of stone and concrete with pipes going every which way. I was down there with two other people. One of the people as well as I were pretty average sized but the other guy we were with was quite built. We were exploring trying to find a way out until the skinny guy got caught in something. His arm was caught in some kind of weird machine.

We tried to get his arm out, but it looked like the only way he was going to get out was if he cut his arm (for whatever reason, I forgot why. Maybe using blood as lubricant? I don't know). As soon as his arm was slice however, the shuffling feet of the undead hoard was heard, and I bolted outta there. It was a cowardly move, but I wanted to live. I ran around and every now and again I would meet a crowd of the shambling decay and turn around.

I finally came into a room that lead to the surface and there were two other survivors. They were relieved I was not a zombie and we tried to come up with a solution on how to get out. There were three doors, a second level, a first level floor and a floor that was more like a split level, each door having zombies outside pounding-dying to get inside. A few more survivors showed up; right behind me, including the two guys I had abandoned. They weren't the happiest, but they understood. We finally decided we were going to have to try the door with the least amount of zombies.

We kicked down the door and apparently picked the right one. There were people outside acting as a rescue squad coming to pick up, presumably, us. One of them handed me a gun and we bolted across a field. I hadn't noticed that my best friend was also there, gunning down the undead as well as he could. Our main target was a barricaded parking garage and the path was mostly clear.

While we ran, my friend and I, we ended up getting ambushed by zombie-tykes. They jumped out of a tree and landed on my friend. He got bit once, but that's all it took. I was lucky enough to avoid being bitten, but it was close. One of them my arm in its jaws but I pressed down enough to snap its jaw clean off. Then I shot it in the face. It was odd in hindsight to shoot zombified children in the face, but at that point, it was all about survival.

We finally made it to the parking garage and saw all the weary and wounded. People with broken arms, crying over lost ones, the hungry just now finally able to get a meal...It was like a war movie. We were graciously welcomed in until they noticed my friend was bitten. They ordered him out, but I persuaded them into letting him stay so long as I took care of him.

We walked around, met a few new people, but finally we walked into the room where I guess the infected go to be killed. He was sweating and nervous, I could tell even in my dream. He didn't wanna die, but he was thankful I was the one who was going to be doing it. I gave him a bro hug and bid him farewell, and as the last bit of light faded from his eyes, I pulled the trigger. Only to find out I had run out of bullets.

That's when his eyes snapped open and he tried to eat me. My friend is a really big guy, so when he jumped on me, I was pinned down to the ground. His jaws snapped at my face and all I could do was hold his head away from me. I screamed for help, but nobody came. Finally, I gained my senses and reached up and broke his neck. His body stilled, I rolled it over, and of course, that's when help arrives.

After talking it out with some of the main organizers, I decide that I must go. Late in the dream I remember that my friend, the one who is actually from the last post, is someone I made a promise to see. No matter how hopeless it was or how dangerous it could be, I decided I was going to keep my word and started trekking off.

I hiked out using suburbs as my main path. While urban areas were obviously out of the question due to high population, if I chose the rural side, there'd be nothing to scavenge. Taking the suburbs had a low enough population at that point to be able to scavenge canned goods but there should be a low enough population as the hoards moved on to not be too much of a danger.

As I walked down the street, I admired how sunny it was and how serene the neighborhood looked. I encountered a zombie, but before I could even draw my weapon, it was shot down. I looked around, and a girl wearing a Lara Croft outfit (I've only played one of the games so I have no idea why that outfit of all things) was wielding a sniper rifle and gunned it down from afar.

We talked about the various things we've had to do and what we've done to kill things. She had a lot more experience than me talking about how she knows all the best hiding spots and how she's come close to death. In an almost RPG like fashion, she joined my party claiming it was getting boring having nearly wiped out all the undead in the area and it was time for her to move on.

Then I woke up due to my sister. I looked at the clock and noticed I would've slept for another two hours had she not woken me up, it sucks not having a room sometimes. I wondered where that dream would've gone and if I would've found Gen at the end of it. I guess I won't know.

Dream

Had a dream, just wanted to log it before I forgot about it. If anyone is reading this, you can pretty much just ignore this entire post. It's really nothing meaningful.

So I had a dream in about an hour span of time. I woke up, did some stuff around the house, decided fuck it, I don't wanna do things around the house anymore, and went back to bed. In the hour I fell asleep, I had the most wonderfully terrible dream.

I was hanging out with a few close friends, but one of them is my friend Gen. She's a wonderful girl, even if she doesn't always think so herself. She's always been there for me and been the only one who I feel has been completely honest with me. Told me I was shit when I was being shit and complimented me greatly when I did something fantastic. I opened up to her like nobody else because I feel like she understands me, mostly cause she shares a lot of the same quirks and oddities I do.

I mean, sure, we do disagree upon quite a few things, but that's just being human. It's not like she's my cyborg female clone. Or my real life Rule...whatever the rule is that says for every male character, somewhere on the internet there is a female version, that rule. Coincidentally to what I just said, I only know her through the glory that is the internet.

We met a long time ago on Gaiaonline. Like the anime teenage myspace/facebook. It was great fun for awhile, hell, we met in a thread about tentacle rape. That's where it all started. Out of all the people who I have ever met online, she is the only one I ever felt was worth a damn to keep up with. She has ensnared me with interest and I make it a point to keep in touch. Out of all my friends, she is probably one of the few people that I truly care about. As cold hearted as that sounds, I do care quite a bit for my friends, but with her it's just different.

When most of my friends are having a down time, for whatever reason, I can't help but feel like they're complaining. When she's having a down day, even when in hindsight it could be the most asinine reason, I listen with a sympathetic ear and can't help but feel for her. It's odd; nobody stirs that kind of feeling in me really.

So back to this dream I had.

I had a dream that I was hanging out with her and a couple of people. It was my friend Joel, her, someone else who probably is someone I made up just to have a fourth, and Gen. We were hanging out in a restaurant, though we weren't eating, just hanging out and talking. Sharing jokes, and immediately I should have known it was a dream just because of her mere existence being near me, but I guess although I have lucidly dreamed on occasion, my subconscious wouldn't let me do it this time in risk I could lose what was happening.

So eventually we left and we ended up in a weird staircase place where there were weird paintings and placards as well as chutes to get immediately to other places. But her and I, it was just us and we were talking and holding hands. Then finally, she grew bold and got in my face and almost challenged me to make a move; which I graciously accepted and kissed her. I don't know how long it lasted, but it felt good. So then we decided to up to my dorm (apparently I decided to join college at this point), but there were so many people in there and we couldn't get them to leave. So then she said that the stairwell was private enough and she said she was going to go change and to meet me there.

I ran there as fast as I could, but because my dreams have to have something weird in them, I suddenly was thrust into a zombie warzone. Someone threw body armor at me, gave me a gun, and ordered me to fire upon the zombie horde. We had all kinds of warriors, current military style, knights with ridiculously large armor that you usually only see in fantasy movies/novels, ninjas, all kinds slaying the undead horde. Any other time I would've found this amazing and super fun, but as I gunned down zombie after zombie, I only had her in my mind and making sure to not be late.

I took the front line and made sure to shoot down every single thing I could see. Luckily I had infinite ammo (at least my dream got that part right) being I never reloaded once and took down every last shambling piece of undead. I was congratulated on my valiant efforts, but I didn't care. The only thing I cared about at that moment was to shower off the stench of the undead and get the blood off me. I bolted back upstairs only to be stopped by a teacher who started yelling at me for skipping class.

I was getting stressed at this point cause I knew she was waiting for me and I wanted nothing more than to be with her. My teacher said that if I drank this nasty drink I could go. Then he laughed and proceeded to explain what was supposedly in it, but I disregarded everything he said and drank it in haste ignoring all taste. Everyone gasped and even he was surprised to see anyone drink it with such gusto. I started walking out, but then my legs grew sluggish.

I felt my legs get heavier with each step. Then my body started tilting backwards and the familiar ringing of my alarm started to chime in my ears. I resisted and tried to stay in the dream and stand up fully. Gen was waiting for me and I would not, could not, disappoint her, I've done it too many times. Though my will was not strong enough. My body slammed backwards onto the floor and I bolted up right in my bed.

I looked at my alarm and saw it ringing. I set it too early. Much too early. My heart hurt because I know that even in my dreams I will fail in finding any kind of love. It still does. What a shitty way to begin the day. Work from 3-9? Doesn't mean shit to me anymore.

Gone But Not Forgotten

It's been quite awhile since I've written here. I doubt updating this now is going to do anything, I doubt anyone will read it, but hey, if you're here, cool, thanks. I just need a place to write down my thoughts and this is the best place to do it I think.

So in the past few months, I've gotten a job, and I'm pretty damn successful in what I do. I'm a technology sales man at an office supplies store. I'm consistently one of the top sellers in the entire region (as in a few of the states around here, not just a couple of stores). A gift, a talent of mine is manipulation, and I have a sick pride over it. To best describe it, I'm close to that of Izaya Orihara from Durarara, Light Yagami from DeathNote or Slevin Klevra from Lucky # Slevin. Don't get the references? Well, these three characters are people who are exceptionally brilliant, although they don't always make it apparent. They are excellent at calculating people and getting them to act the way they need them to in order to accomplish this goal. I'm not going to lie, maybe not the most noble skill to have in life, but it's a skill that's nice to have nonetheless.

So while sure, it's nice to help decent people out, my main concern is to 'up-sell' if possible. All that means is if someone is looking to buy...let's say a laptop, I make sure they leave with some antivirus software and a hardware insurance plan. I'm that kind of salesman, and I'm damn good at it. Like I said, it's a sickening pride I have over it. My capture rate on how well I can suck someone into something like that is extremely high. That's what the job entails and when I have a job to do, I make sure I'm the best at it.

I got good at it by reading a lot of con artistry books. That's what all business is, just one big con, so that's why I boned up on my reading. I took every tactic I read in the books I have and apply it to this job. It works effectively and gets me what I want. I've sold it on things that shouldn't even deserve an insurance plan on it, just because I could. I've sold it on mice, backpacks, chairs, calculators, thumb drives...I know, I'm a terrible person.

However, that's not the only thing I do.

At my job, there is this one person I completely hated. He was lazy and dragged down the store. Now, normally, I really wouldn't care. What he wanted to do was all up to him. If he wanted to do nothing and get fired because of it, that was one thing. However, when it comes to making money, I only make commission (the whole reason why I care about making sales in the first place) when the entire store hits a sales goal. He would not sell anything which brought down the store's sales; my sales, thus no commission for me. I would be okay with this, possibly, if he could do something, but many, many days would I be stuck pulling his work, making me do double the tasks. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind working hard, but when I have to do other people's work because they're lazy, that's when I get pissed. So I hatched a plan.

How in the world could I get him out of there...? I was not going to go to management because they didn't even know how to manage the store. If they couldn't get him to work, how were they going to get him out of there? I couldn't overwork him, he would just leave it all to me and it would be counterproductive to me. So instead, I went with self destruction. I knew his weak points, the things that made him tick and set him off. I used this to my advantage.

There's this girl he absolutely hates. He could not stand her in the least, and her him. So I used that to my advantage and combated them against each other. I kept at it on both sides, goading each other to do something, but discretely of course. Just little nudges like, "Hey man, that's not cool how...." or, "I can't believe he did this. That's not right....Right?" until it finally all paid off. Yelled at her and told her off to the point of tears and so she tagged that as harassment and he got fired quite quickly. I was happy for a time...but then it got quite boring. Nothing I can do about that at the moment, but now I got something completely different on my mind which, weirdly enough, is also work related.

But first, let me take this back a bit to something a bit more light hearted. At the beginning of November, I went to a large anime convention. It had 10,000 people, roughly, and it was the most fun I've had. No exaggeration. I stayed in a hotel for three days and actually got to bond with people who understood my weird quirkiness. I was in a rave for 6 hours. Constant moving and dancing. And so many damn stairs. The elevators were always full so I had to always walk up and down to my room which was on the twentieth floor. That probably took away from all the McDonalds I ate when I was there. Still, those things are not even the best part.

The Bondage Panel.

I'm very much into bondage. Nothing super hardcore, I'm not the type that's into full leather body suits with zippers over every orifice and D-rings for restraints. Just some light bondage, a few ropes maybe, just a little bit of restraint.

I went in expecting to learn somethings, and I learned quite a lot. I learned quite a few knots and ties. How to tie up a person completely or just do their hands or even just their legs. What made it great was the girl I met there. That's what made this experience amazing. She was a very well endowed girl dressed as a french maid. Very cute and she smelled like cotton candy. Delicious.

I don't know how I got so lucky, but she sat next to me, and when people started separating off, I quickly chose her before anyone else could. I was not going to let this opportunity pass. She gladly accepted and let me practice tying her up...at first I was such a failure though haha. I stayed confident though and I talked to her, flirted it up, even got a number. I should've finalized though and stayed the night in her room (we were in a hotel for crying out loud), but I wasn't ballzy enough.

So back to work story. I told this one girl who I've always had my eye on at my job about the bondage panel. She's a darkly cute girl who I've fancied for a bit. She's quite the interesting girl, very skinny, very petite. I knew that she was into at least a few weird things, so I decided to run that by her, a bit of bait for I knew it would perk her interest, and next thing I know, she's on the hook.

I start to flirt with her a little more than usual and we start to texting, and next thing I know, she wants me to have sex with her. She just wants a no strings attached thing, purely physical. If you're reading this and you've kept up with all of my posts, you know that I'm that guy that girls just kinda use as emotional support. She said right to me, "I want to fuck you and steal your virginity away from you" (yes, I still am a virgin), something just snapped inside of me. I decided that I'm done being that guy that lets girls step all over me.

I take her over to my house, and we're chilling in my bed and we start making out. I take off her shirt and pants and everything underneath all before I even take off any article of clothing. She's a bit nervous, from the way I act at work, "the Nice Guy", she never would've expected something like this out of me a month prior. I just kiss her and I start to work. Then I stop. I realize I'm letting all my teachings from the beginning of the month go to waste.

I run to the bathroom, grab the tie I was wearing and come out. She's wondering what I'm about to do and I quickly and expertly tie up her hands. Then I make her squirm. I'm not going to go too far into detail, but unfortunately, the story ends with she needs to leave and I'm still a virgin.

Now, I'm not just a monster, I actually do like this girl. I don't want to just have sex with her and not give a shit even though she wanted to have a no strings attached thing. Although from the above you wouldn't be able to tell, I'm quite a romantic and when it comes to charming a lady, apparently I'm top notch at that. I tell her all sorts of sweet things, however, I do not lie. That is one thing I will not do. Everything I say to her is truth, and it appears that she is starting to feel something for me. Which is apparently bad.

She says she's still in love with her Ex, and they meet all the time and have crazy passionate sex, partly in thanks to me. They always had sex, but that was just for pleasure, but ever since I started getting into things, she said it's become a lot more passionate. Which pisses me off, but I can't help it. The sweet nothings I tell her really charges her up, and then this guy takes advantage of my hardwork. I hate it, but c'est la vie.

So now she's at a crossroads. She' constantly tell she doesn't want to hurt me. I've been hurt in the past, people use me all the time, I keep on telling her I don't give a shit, but she's still afraid to hurt me. However, I think she might be just scared of getting hurt herself. From the way she acts, I think she's afraid I'm going to hurt her and so she doesn't want to get involved with me. She always says she falls back on her ex but has commitment issues and so ends up cheating on him and the process occurs over and over again. Maybe this is just me, but it really seems like she's just always scared of being hurt and so she goes off and finds another guy before she can let him hurt her. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy.

So now this is dragging me down. She's all depressed partly because of me and there's nothing I can do about it. I really want her, but I know that in the end, there's no way I can have her. I'm just waiting for the inevitable. No matter how charming I am, I do not believer there is hope. It's already done, I can feel it. But hey, it was fun while it lasted. Her lips were always soft and she always smelled good. Her body was always soft and warm and was fun to cuddle with.

Then that brings up the last dilemma. The maid. I really like her too, but she lives far away. I talk to her all the time and that girl puts the biggest, goofiest grins on my face saying the sweet things she does. I already know she's into the same things I am into, hell, she's into more things than I am. She's sweet and beautiful and cute. But I've never officially hung out with her. I'm hoping that when I finally do meet her, something will blossom out of it.

That's going to be Friday, December the 9th. I am going to spend so much money, but I just hope she's worth it. But this puts me in a dilemma. I really do like my coworker, I really like her. She's the first person who has ever actually taken my feelings into account of anything at all. She's completely open and honest with me which is something I have a hard time finding in my life; anyone who is honest. It's very endearing.

Then there's the Maid. She's very sweet and kind and cute. She's as nerdy as I am and funny. I really like her too, but there's the problem of her living so far away.

I just don't know what to do at this point, but I think I'll know by Friday. Man, I always like having a harem in High School because I never had to choose, never really wanted to given the girls that were in it. But now, even just two girls are too much... I'm such a hopeless cause.

Oh first world problems.

Def Leppard

I haven't written here in awhile, I've been so busy with work, and every time I go to try it, I can't ever think of anything, but I started keeping a log of things to write about, so here's hoping I can keep back up with this again. So, here's something that happened last month, but first let me start back to the beginning of summer.

There was this girl, she was a piece of Jailbait to be honest, but not terribly young. I'm nineteen, she's seventeen, I don't see anything wrong with that. She's a cute little red head and pretty funny, even if through her naivete sometimes. I hung out with her quite often over the summer (she was the subject in a post actually, the one I went to the flea market with and got some stuff), but I could tell I was going to be friendzoned. I mean, hell, even her father liked me.

Oh, yeah, her father. Let me give you a bit of perspective on her father.

First, physical traits: His arms are fucking HUGE. And I don't mean this like, "oh yeah, he has some big arms, he's kind of a scary guy with the right shadowing". I mean his arms are huge because he used to pull SEMI TRUCKS in competition for a living. Yeah. That fucking big. Keep that in mind.

Second, psychological traits: Kicked his daughter out at one point because she wanted to talk to him because she thought she might be bisexual. Straight up kicked her right the fuck out for a couple weeks. Just because of that. From what I've seen and heard, the guy isn't even some kind of super Christian, he's just an ass.

Third, he has a gun collection: Yeah. Because his fucking arms weren't enough. He had to have a gun collection.

So fast forward to August 20th. Def Leppard is in town. It's a band I enjoy. It's a band she loves. I figured I'd take her there and try and make a move. Then I found out it was more like her family taking me along. Damn it. I already said I was going to go though and I am a man of my word.

Fortune smiled upon me that night however. It appeared he was too pissed off at his girlfriend to go to this concert and enjoy it, so instead, it was just going to be me and her. Things were looking up. I was secretly happy, ecstatic even, but I kept it inside. Then he asked me something that kinda took me aback.

"So do you know how to shoot a gun?"

I couldn't tell if he was asking because he wanted to gauge how 'dangerous' I was. I knew he was also quite racist so I wasn't sure if he was chalking me up to a black stereotype or not.

"Uhm....Why?"

"Just answer the question. DO you know...how to fire a gun?"

"I...I guess? I mean, if I had to shoot somebody, I'm sure I could figure out how to just point it and shoot it"

"Well listen, I'm going to give you this gun and if a man tries to do anything inappropriate with my daughter, you shoot them."

In my head: Oh, hahaha, he's trying to intimidate me by subtly letting me know he has a gun.

...

Wait. Is he serious? No, he can't be serious.
The look in his eyes suggested otherwise though. I just kinda nervously laughed and told him I'd shoot myself in the foot if he gave it to me, still, he tried to push it on me. Luckily, his girlfriend stepped in and told him to stop being 'silly'. Maybe I'm just innocent, but offering some kid you've met twice a gun isn't being silly. But hey, maybe I'm just a bit chaste.

Then we got down to a bit of business. He was planning on making me the manager of a pizza place he owned. Was going to pay me well. Going to get free food all the time. Life looked pretty damn good. Didn't even have to fill out an application. Fuck yeah, connections.

So then we left. Got to be front row at the concert and was even there in time to see Heart open up for them. I tried making a move a few times at the concert, putting my hand around her waist, trying to get real close to her, putting my hand around her shoulder, but she just kinda brushed it off. Eventually, I took the hint and just let it be and enjoyed the concert.

This is where things get tricky.

The concert didn't get out till eleven.
Dad thought it got out at ten.
I waited a good hour to let all the drunk traffic go ahead of me.
Didn't leave till midnight.
Stopped for ice cream.

That's when I got the angry phone call.

"WHERETHEFUCKISMYDAUGHTERIWANTHERASSHOMEI'MGOINGTOKICKYOURASSIFSHEISN'TFUCKINGHOMERIGHTUFKCINGNOW"

I tried to explain the situation, I told him I'd talk to him about it, but that just pissed him off even more. I told him how he was wrong and how I was trying to be, y'know, responsible and not dead, but he wouldn't have it. He was fucking furious.

So now take this into account.

His arms are as big as my torso. He has a gun collection. His mental state is....something that is lacking. And I have his underage daughter. And (according to his schedule) she's two hours late.

After that, I drove home as fast as I could and dropped her off. I was going to stay and talk to him, but she told me that was a horrible idea. And apparently he wasn't even there at the house and was circling around in the parking lots of the venue. He made it there in four minutes and, with normal driving, it takes fours minutes to get off their street and another fifteen to get there.

That night was just a weird one in general. I mean, if something happened, ANYTHING, even anything like a kiss happened, it would've made all that anger directed at me justified, but nothing happened. At least I got to sit front row there. It would've been more profitable to get another girl though I suppose.

Reflecting on it though, I guess in the end it was a good thing I didn't take that gun from him. That....would've been awkward as fuck to try and get back to him.

"Oh, yeah, here ya go. I know you're super pissed at me. Here's your gun back" :D