Shit

My life is just swirling down to utter shit at the moment. This really is the only place I can log these feelings of mine without anyone knowing. The only place. I'm glad I set this up so I can vent my feelings. Should help me feel better.

Well, a friend of mine died. His name was Ubong. A man from Africa, he was one of the most eloquent, respecting, well mannered, polite people it has ever been in my fortune to meet. He was always willing to help out another, could never speak ill will of anyone even if his life depended on it....Maybe that's bad phrasing to use right now.

Ubong was someone I met at work and I'm glad I did. There's only two other people who I could say are as selfless as he was; my two friends, Ben and Anthony Hoff. Such pure generosity of spirit is so rare nowadays it was quite hopeful to see it. Studious, hard working... He didn't deserve this. As they say, the good die young, and he was one of the best.

All of this happened a week ago. I found out he died a week after the fact. Nobody told me anything. It's not like anyone actively hid it, it's just that nobody fucking bothered. It's like the soulless leeches at my job just didn't give a shit and all they saw was that they have one less worker. I fucking hate them. He only has one family member, and they're in California. He died alone. One of the best people I have ever known, and he died alone. Heaven better be real. He better be up there finally free from the torment of this world and able to be with his family. Ubong, if you can read this right now, if somehow you know that I'm typing this...You're a great guy.

Speaking of the lifeless corporate fuckers, I'm getting a demotion and a huge ass paycut. As much as I hate to admit it, I know have to admit that I am now owned by a corporation. They haven't completely bought me, but I know now that they own me. Coming down to ACEN, they told me I would get demoted even though I told them what I'd be doing fucking months ahead of time. So...I took the hit. I got demoted. Or..well, getting demoted. I'm going to get a pay cut. So not only have I sold my soul doing things that I should never do, things that I feel are completely and morally wrong, but now they own who I am. I guess 7.50 ends up being the price of my being. I still have some fight left though... I will not become lost to the world.

I might get fired though. I was supposed to be home yesterday (Today is Monday, 30th of April). I was supposed to buy a bus ticket and get my ass home and so I did. I was supposed to wake up and get there early. So I did. Then I found out that I got to the wrong bus stop. The completely wrong one. I waited at the wrong fucking bus station. Waiting for nothing, like the rest of my fucking life.

Being broke, I had no choice but to walk back to the convention center and my own foolish pride was my downfall. I was too prideful to ask for help and so I wandered around trying to find my way back. I got lost in the forest, probably the only fucking forest in Chicago, for four fucking hours. In the meantime I despaired and was starting to feel things crack. The pressure from everything was just starting to get to me, I was weak and helpless. I'm such a wreck.

Then there's the coup de gras. Elle.

Her and I have been fooling around with each other. Not too much, but we have been fooling around. It's been fun while it's lasted. I regret it though. I fucking regret every moment of it. I discovered that in doing so, being back with her has jump started feelings that I forgot I had. How did I find this out? Why do I regret this? Aren't feelings supposed to be a wonderful thing and since we're fooling around already doesn't it mean we could probably be together officially? Nope.

She recently rekindled an old fire with another guy. She really, really likes the guy, and while I was out getting lost and even at a rave trying to have a good time she was rediscovering her feelings for this guy and there was nothing I could do but just wait for her to tell me she was done with me. I realized how jealous I was and how much it hurt and it makes me feel fucking terrible. I have no right to feel this bad, yet I do. She doesn't want to do this anymore. I want to be with her I realize but she'd never see me like that. I just know that she wouldn't. I don't know why, but I can just feel like I'll never be anymore than the fuck buddy. Not even that, we never even fucked. I have no fucking right to feel this terrible. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. I hate feelings. Why do I have to have them? They do me no good except drag me down. I don't understand how people can carry these things with them. I'm on the verge of tears, the first tears of sorrow to fall from my eyes in nearly ten years.

I will keep these all inside me though. I vented to one person, I may tell one more person, but that is all. Aside from those two cracks, all of it will be kept inside of me until I die. I will keep my feelings, my secrets, the only two things left that are truly mine, and drown them in my darkness until I am swallowed in it.

Listening to a song called "Help is on the Way" by Rise Against. Sometimes it feels like there is no help.

Maybe this is just a way for the universe to show me what a terrible person I am. The terrible person I have turned out to be. Turns everything around on me and make me watch it collapse. Do all these terrible things to me while I'm supposed to be having a good time. All this juxtaposition to make it seem that much more terrible by contrast. I don't deserve to feel what I'm feeling. I don't deserve to be sad or angry. I should've just stayed in the forest. Left everyone. I fucking hate all of this. All of my hate.


Edit: I also got into a car accident later on. Just to add injury to insult.

Edit II: At the very end of the night, that girl from 'My Love(less) Life' decided that being friends with me was "too difficult" and she doesn't see the point in being friends with me anymore. After doing countless things for her, picking her up from random ass places because she chose to get drunk/high with strangers and doing that at the drop of a hat, after being ditched and let down an infinite number of times...It's too difficult for her to try and be friends with me. Fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her.