Dearest L

Dear L,

I know the chances are REALLY fucking slim you'll ever read this, but no matter when you do, most of this will still be true. I was prompted to write a letter to someone who you know will never read it, but part of me secretly hopes that you do. I don't want to guilt you, if anything, I want to thank you.

Overall, I don't know how I should feel about you. You gave me a lot but took away just as much. I go through bouts of hating everything about you and missing you just as deeply. I don't care about the fact that you chose someone else over me, hell, I don't even care that you became a lesbian after me. I just hate the fact that you cut me off without giving me any kind of reason. When I asked you, all you said was because. Then you pull some shit about me respecting your space and how I shouldn't ask? Fuck you. I respected you, but that's bullshit and I no longer do.

I was so fucking angry that I almost broke the knuckles in my fists breaking shit; blood dripped from my fingers. I wasn't angry at you though, I was angry at myself. In this time of my own peaceful existence and coming to terms with myself and trying to not hate everything, you reminded me of why that was naive and foolish.

You gave me a reason to hate again, a reason to be strong, a reason to be angry. I forgot, maybe it was because of you yourself that I had forgotten in the first place, but I had forgotten not to trust too deeply, and that was a mistake that I pay for dearly. You opened my eyes once more to the darkness of the world, that people will easily take advantage of someone given the chance.

You helped me become stronger. If not for you, I would not have started getting back into shape. I wouldn't have started working out, if anything, to give myself a legal outlet in which to workout (hah, pun) my fury. In the two months it's been, I've lost forty pounds of fat. My state of emotional contentment kept me weak both in body and mind. You released it and helped me embrace my rage and hostility, and for that, I thank you.I appreciate that you have revealed to me the shadows and monsters that exist in the world, and most of all me.

However, I would be lying to say I don't I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss how easy it would be to mess with you and get you flustered. I miss how you would purr. I miss how hard you blush. I miss all of your little antics. I miss those naive times that I had. But most of all, I miss being okay with you knowing how weak I am.

Signed, Cozy.