Weird Emotions

I've been feeling weird lately. I'm glad that nobody reads this anymore because this one is quite the...Debbie Downer of posts if anything. I have to write this however, at least for myself so that one day if I need to go back and do an evaluation about myself, I'll have something to draw from.

Lately I have been feeling a plethora of emotions drawing mostly from anger and depression. I think it's a good thing though, it used to be that I couldn't ever feel these things, but that doesn't mean I like it regardless. I don't know what to think about them, but at least I know why they're there.

The reason why I've been feeling down is the same reason why it always is; love-or lack thereof. I've been playing this one game recently called Katawa Shoujo and unfortunately got too deep into it. It's a visual novel (though I'm sure I'll never forget) with a few aspects of a dating sim. It's about a guy who ends up going to a school for the disabled and ends up falling in love with one of five girls; that's where the choices come in. The few choices you can make in the beginning determine what girl you end up trying to achieve. The choices you make after that determines whether you get the good or bad ending.

The first time I ended up being with a girl named Emi. She had no legs, but with her prosthetic legs, she ended up becoming the track star at the school. Falling in love with her upbeat cheeriness and her overall cute, positive demeanor, she was someone who was quite realistic, believable and no surprise to be my first 'choice'. As headstrong as I am and as brash in her physical condition as I do when I workout in the summers. She was also very shut in with her own emotions and push people away like how I do when people try to get in too deep with me. I could sympathize with her.

Like all good stories, there's always some kind of conflict and I thought it was going to end up being the confession part. That part was actually straight forward, hell, she came onto 'me'. The conflict came in being able to push past all her barriers and getting to be there for her. Long story short, I ended up making all the right decisions in the end and was finally able to be with her, and with the way things happened, it was truly satisfying. It felt good to experience some kind of love. Lately with girls I've been feeling too many feelings of lust so it was a nice balance.

Then came the next girl when I restarted. Her name is Lilly, she's blind, and quite proper. Very nice and cordial yet not in an innocent and condescending way, just very polite and thoughtful. Her story was a lot more involved as you also involved a third wheel friend named Hanako. Gradually, I fell in love with her character; not in a creepy obsessed way. I 'fell in love' with her in the same way one feels nothing but feelings of awe and amazement when an action hero fucks up the bad guys shit. You know it's all fake, but it's cool to see a guy drive a car into a helicopter and make it explode.

As time went on, the 'I' fell in a lot deeper of an emotional state with Lilly than I did with Emi. Maybe that's cause initially Lilly let me in, their confession to each other heartfelt and deep. Loving each other unconditionally. That's when, although I didn't realize it, it got personal. Things went on and I ended up achieving the bad ending. It was terrible; it broke me. As sad as it is, it completely broke me.

Hitting both of those at the same time killed me with a dose of depression. Due to some personal issues that I don't think I'll ever be able to overcome (future self, hopefully when you read this, you will have. That's just wishful thinking though), I feel like nobody will ever be able to love me unconditionally. Hell, sometimes I feel like I won't even be fully loved. Most people can say that they've felt love, which I have so there's that, they've felt heart break, and I've felt more than my fair share of that. Yet, I have never been loved myself. I don't know what it's like to have a girl cry over me and hold me close.

As much of a pussy as I feel admitting it, I remember holding a couple of girls close to me and loving the feeling of it. Feeling my heartbeat in the chest so hard that it physically hurt. Wanting to hold onto those girls but they gave me up in a snap. For one reason or another, I'm just not meant to be kept. Sure, there are girls that have liked me, no doubt about that, but it never gets deeper than that. Thinking about that has depressed me and bummed me out, breaking me out.

Then there's the other extreme.

This deep rooted anger. It's been coming and going in flares. It's been raging and boiling within for one reason or another. Lately I've been coming to resent a lot of things rather quickly. My family, some of my friends, myself. It's been quite easy.

My mom, just like I said in a post quite awhile ago as I re-read through them, is indeed using me. Using me as an ATM. Doing nothing but sapping my cash from me to pay for her things. I have to pay to live here and on top of that spend a large part of my checks on groceries. Then my mom gets a new car and suddenly I have to start paying more. Another fifty bucks a month and she expects this to me as if I owe this to her.

I used to think that that I owed it to her for raising me, but these thoughts as I've started to reflect on my past and future have started to be clear. I raised myself. Sure, she fed me and put a roof over my head and did get me a few things through the years, but that is something that it is the responsibility of the parent to do. I raised myself and all the things that I did for myself, I did it all by myself. I never asked for help even once. I do not ask for advice, I do not live my life for others. All the large things I did all by myself through wit and being resourceful.

Most kids have to get a car from their parents or relatives. I earned my car. I had to sacrifice getting any kind of job until after I got out of school because I had to devote myself to family and raising my little brother. I had to sacrifice my own relationships, times when precious memories could have been made, just too much time in general, all of them forsaken just to keep family stability. People say that family is all we have, but I could laugh at that.

Having to hide every single thing that I do out of guilt or shame on things that I shouldn't even have to feel guilty about. People have expressed their concern and sheer amazement on how I am able to hide so many things from my family or even why I would. Yet, it is the mounting pressures and stagnant feelings that have been building and swelling inside as I go out further into what has been known as 'the real world' has removed the veil from my eyes and make me see things for what they are.

Slowly, little by little, alienating myself purposely from my family I can finally start to see the fruits of it. My family is a very tight knit community, both in immediate and extended. They share and talk to each other all the time about their feelings, something I have never been able to do. I think they have realized it for now I overhear things, dramatic things (partly due to facebook) and I don't have to exposed to it, exploited and used as a scapegoat as I once was as I am starting to become my own person.

When I was a kid, I used to think that being beaten as punishment for shortcomings and doing something wrong was completely normal only to find out that I was just being abused. I thought those 'funny smells' were completely normal. Then I found out it was drugs. Time goes on and I think that the way my family uses me was normal, but now as I talk to other adults and see how they treat their kids and see my peers I realize I am just a fool again. They pretend they care, but I know that they care only out of obligation.

They always took the time to care about my sisters, my brother, other members of the family, but never me. Yet, I'm glad. I always stayed under the radar and I'm glad it's always worked. The only thing that bugs me is that I'm the only one who has to unjustifiably had to make so many sacrifices in their life in this family. Anyone else in this family, whenever they've had to deal with some kind of consequence, it's because they did something where they then deserved it. I've done nothing but keep my head down, do what I've been told; guess this is the consequences of my actions.

It's all these recent revelations that have cut my fuse. I used to live with the mindset that it's alright because it could always be worse. But I'm tired of putting up with mediocre. I want better. Maybe I'm finally Americanized.

I just hope that I'll learn to bottle up this new found rage and sadness as I have with other much more mundane things.