Click Bomb

This isn't so much a funny post  as it is a serious post. As those of you who follow me see, I put ads on my blog that runs through Adsense. Recently, one of my new followers out there click bombed my ads which, while they may have thought that they were doing something good, is actually just the opposite. Doing something like that can get a user banned. I use Adsense just to make a bit of extra coin on the side, but I like having this blog. It really helps me prepare material for standup comedy when I go out to open mic nights and such. Let's me know what stuff is funnier than others and helps me remember some of the material. If you did it because you were trying to somehow help, please, don't do that again, it is very detrimental. If you're doing it because you want to get me banned for whatever reason at all, you sir or madam, are an asshole.

Game

So this post will be quite short, at least compared to a lot of my other entries, but I really need helpful feedback on this one.

I'll provide background on what happened. I established this blog months ago, almost a year ago in fact. I originally decided to make this more of a journalistic type blog (I may resort back to doing that for a bit as I go and compile data, AKA do more interesting things to provide humorous stories) and thus, did not want my friends to know about it. I posted a few very personal things (they're still in the archives, there to stay) and a couple of people posted and followed and such. No biggie.

Then came the day when I was a complete idiot and forgot that the link to this blog was still ctrl+C'd. I accidentally pasted and sent it to a friend, and then he found out all about it. That right there, that is probably where it SHOULD have ended. Him finding out about it, then me killing him so that nobody would ever find out about my secret...But killing people over petty reasons isn't my thing.

However, he decided to bitch, whine, moan, and complain about his 'best friend keeping a secret blog' from him. About how I 'never tell him anything about my feelings and that I'd rather tell strangers than confide in him'. He decided to go out and tell a bunch of people about the fact that I have a blog, but thankfully he never actually said where it was located. This was still just enough to get my friends curious. For you see, although I am a very social person and like to talk and do things with people, I don't like to open up. To anyone really. So they want to know what I post here.

This is where you, my followers can help me. I decided maybe it is a bit unfair for me to hide this. However, I don't want to blatantly tell my friends the URL. I want to make it into a game of sorts. Make it a challenge. See how badly people want to know what this is. I need ideas on what I should do. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Edit: I just found out through tinkering in the settings I can change the URL. Wow. That advice would've been a LOT more helpful earlier in time.

Edit II: Apparently, I can have followers on this blog now! Please follow!

Prank Phone Calls

Prank phone calls. Classic little prank that many teenagers have done whether it be to friends, family, or even complete strangers. I am no exception to this. However, with the advent of cell phones and caller ID, it has seemed to really have lost its luster, but there have been a couple of golden moments in my life that prank calling went above and beyond the expected results.

One such occurrence happened a little more than a month ago actually. While I didn't make the actual call and had no direct involvement, I was somewhat related to the incident. I went to a local concert for a couple friends who were all in a band together. I missed their first show but I wanted to make sure to catch their next one. So I left that evening eager to go see them...without my cell phone (gasp!)

My mom happens to be a paranoid type who wants to make sure I am where I say I am. She likes to call me quite often to make sure I'm not out doing crack, meth, oxidide, Mexican Speedball, heroine, weed, salvia, Bacardi 151 and...well, you get the idea. Oh, and she doesn't trust me to not go out and have crazy orgies with hookers. I may be exaggerating a bit, but this is just to give you a better idea that she is more 'motherly' in that sense than most.

So I leave without my phone and don't think anything of it. I'm not too attached to my cell like I know most people are. I usually don't text unless it's a girly I like that I'm chattin' up, I'm trying to make plans with some friends and establishing the parameters of what's going down and how, or unless someone texted me first. Calls are a bit neglected cause nobody likes to talk much anymore, but I digress.

While I'm having fun at the concert, something much more sinister is at work...

My mom calls my phone. No response.

She calls it again. No response.

Once more the phone rings and due to me not being even in the same town much less in the vicinity of my phone...she gets no response.

Finally, she gets a phone call back from what seems to be my phone.

"_____! Why haven't you been picking up your phone?!"

"Don't worry about it"

"What!? What the fuck are you talking about!?"

"Shut up. Stop calling. I don't want to talk to you ever again. Don't bother looking for me. You don't want to know what I'm about to do"

[click]

At this point, my mom snaps and she's furious. She's flown off the deep end and she calls my phone in rapid succession at this point. When I got home and saw all the calls, there was 31 calls from her alone. At some point, she tried to trick 'me' and had other people whose number I didn't have to see if I would pick up, which again, I couldn't do.

So how did she get this call you may be wondering?

Apparently my sister has an application on her phone that lets her disguise her number as another one. So she disguised her number with mine and muffled her voice a bit to sound like mine. In my mother's frustration and worry, she fell for it.

My mom was on the war path. She was about ready to get in the car, go down to where I said I was going to be, find me, and kick my ass in front of everyone without me knowing what was happening. I'm glad my sister owned up to her prank and came clean. I didn't find out about any of this until after I got back hours later. As much as I don't like my little sister, I had to hand it to her, that was smart.

Now let's rewind a bit back to New Years Day. A lot happened on that night that I might recap on later, but I'll try and stay on topic. I was spending it with some of my best friends and at around two o'clock, we got a bit bored. So we whipped out the phone and started dialin' some numbers.

One friend that was called was completely immune to it. I thought that with his funny attitude on things, he might have proved for an entertaining phone call, but it seemed he just remained indifferent to it. Just answered with a lot of 'Yeah's. That was a lost cause. However, we got a priceless reaction from one person.

My friend's cousin was dialed up. We handed it to my other friend Corey. He was the best one to give prank phone calls out of us all. He made multiple personas and used them all accordingly and perfectly. For this, he decided to be Jackie Treehorn.

"Hello?"

"Yo man, it's Jackie. I'm sick of fuckin' waitin'. Where the hell's my money?"

"What're you talking abou-"

"You know perfectly well what the hell I'm talking about. I'm tired of bein' nice and I'm done playin' around. I want my mutha fuckin' money"

"Listen man, yo-"

"No! You listen. If I don't get my money soon, I'ma find you and it ain't gonna be pretty. And-"

"You wanna come at me with that weak ass shit homie!? I don't even fuckin' know you, but if you come at me I will fucking cut you from ear to ear!", now it was "Jackie"'s turn to be cut off, "I will fucking kill you if you step up to me with that shit you hear me homie!?"

After a couple moments of this, my friend tried to apologize realizing he just opened up a can of mad shit storm, "Hey man, listen, it was just a jo-"

"No! It's my turn to talk now bitch. I don't owe nobody nothin' but if you want it, come and try fuckin' takin' it."

"Hey, man, I'm sorr-"

"You're fuckin' right you're sorry! If I ever see your ass up over here I swear on my mother's grave I will put you in more pain then you can imagine. I will kill you", by that time, I think we got the point that he was going to kill him, "don't you dare come near me"

[click]

We had no idea what had happened, but we laughed about it quite hard. We really got that guy good. It was definitely the high point of the night.

Quick bonus story: We also used the Jackie Treehorn personality to trick one of our really high friends into believing that his grandma was going to get kidnapped unless he got donuts. They were quite delicious.

Almost Caught

This is a story of my adolescence, my younger teen years. I was about 14, and as a 14 year old male, I had those urges, you know of the one. Yup, this is going to be a masturbation story on how I was almost caught. It's a story I tell every now and then and thought I'd share here. I just figured I'd give you a heads up as to what you're about to read.

So when I was about 14, I was flickin' through the channels. It's about two o'clock in the morning, and I had remembered that our cable provider was releasing a free month of HBO and Cinemax. For anyone that does not know, HBO and Cinemax are movie channels that also play softcore pornography after midnight.

Now, after being exposed to the internet, that kind of stuff is child's play (though not in the literal sense, I am no pedo), but back then, this was a whole new world to me. We only had dial-up at that time, so on those nights when I wanted to try and use that, I had to use google images, type in 'boobs', [possibly repeat using other keywords in multiple tabs] turn safe search off, wait ten minutes for everything to load, lose interest and get impatient, check some emails, read some stuff, finish whatever I was reading, start closing everything, realize I got three tabs open with stuff open, close that, go back to my history, delete it, delete cookies, rinse and repeat another day. It was very tiring.

This however was something completely new to me. It was more than pictures it was people...actually going at it! They were fluidly moving and there were no fuzzy boxes from buffering or censoring to cover up the boobs! It was heaven to a horny teenager like me.

So for this month, I experimented in my house. I'm not saying like I experimented on my body. I mean, for a guy, it's pretty simple. Just rub it until you're done. 'nuff said. I mean I had to get every variable exactly right in order to minimize any and all risk.

I live in a very small trailer, so sound was a very large issue. I preferred the sound on, but too loud, and it would echo down the hall and into the room my mother slept in and that was something I was trying to do without. While she was away at work, I stood in her room and checked at what volume she would be able to hear at.

Using that as a baseline, I checked to see what I could hear in the hallway and subtracted from that. I got it down to an exact science. My volume was optimal at 4. If I strained my ears, I could hear it, but if someone was to walk down the hall, they would not.

I should've taken into account various other things, but I figured volume was all I needed. If I could hear my mom coming down the hall and change the channel in time and have a blanket handy to cover myself with, everything should be okay, right? Oh how wrong I was.

It was the middle of the month and it was another late night. No school in the morning meant I could stay up late and go to town. As I start, I hear noises down the trailer. They sounded light, so I completely disregarded them as my cat. That was a mistake.

I'm getting more and more into it, but out of the corner of my eye, I see a shadow start coming into the faint light emitted by the television set. My mind goes to primal instincts. My hand lunges out to the remote and switches it off. I sit up real straight, which looked as suspicious as fuck, and had on my best poker face. I had myself covered thank God.

But my mom isn't stupid. She looked at me. Her eyes boring into my face even in the darkness. She glanced at the TV. Put two and two together and looked back at me once more. It was such a agonizingly long five seconds. The only thing in my mind was, "Fuck. She knowssheknowssheknowssheknkows...I'm so fucking dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead."

"______, what were you watching?", her sleepiness could not hide the disdain and suspicion in her voice.

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit....
"Nothing, just some Comedy Central"

"Then why did you turn off the TV so fast?"

I tried to play it cool and shrugged, "I thought I was going to get in trouble for staying up really late" I don't know if she could see my facial expression, but everything about my body language to what I said was that once in a lifetime oscar worthy performance.

"Okay. Then turn it on"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Now if you've been keeping up with this story, you'll remember that this story is called 'Almost Caught'. Heavy emphasis on the Almost part of that story. How the hell did I get away with this? How could I have gotten out without getting the shit beat out of me? That's what I was wondering at that time.

My mind ran so fast, that time almost seemed to stop. Comparative to the way that I moved and how long I could effectively move in that speed without my mom thinking I was stalling, my brain was being overclocked. I refused to be caught. It would not happen.

She turned her head and I raised the remote. My brain scoured every nook and cranny of my mind. Then the thought came to me as my thumb moved over the buttons.

Recall

We had a satellite box and I knew that that thing was always running regardless if the TV was on or not. It was my last hope. I tapped the command hoping that my aim for the box was true. Then the moment of truth. I hit the power.

The TV started up and the screen soon gave way to color. Bright, animated colors. It appeared that my plan had worked. It turned back to Drawn Together and I almost breathed a sigh of relief, but held it in lest I garner suspicion and my mom thinks the same thing.

My mom looked back at me with a shadow cast over her face. A deep glare set down into me. Deep down, I think we both knew I had just dodged a hail of gunfire and flaming arrows, but she couldn't prove it. I had just suffered three heart attacks at least, but I was safe.

"Turn the TV off and get to sleep", she deeply scowled.

I told her okay and scampered off to bed. I was victorious.




[Bonus] My older sister thought she had caught me fapping later on that month. I was flipping through the channels on the TV (it was about midnight at this point) and I was looking for the new movie premiere. In doing so, I had one of those blank stares that seem as if I was deep in concentration. She walked out into the living room right as I flicked to "Atlantic City Hookers".

She gave me that look. That disgusted look that tries to seem understanding but in doing so looks condescending. I didn't realized what I had flicked to until I saw the title and actually understood it. It couldn't have been anything relatively normal. It just had to be disgusting hookers from Atlantic City.

"Listen, it isn't what it looks like. I was just flipping through the channels and it just-"

"Yeah, yup, okay. I'll just go this way then..."

"I-but-it's not....Damn it..." 

Super Smash Bros.

Well, I'm a huge gamer nerd, and as such, I've been watching a lot of G4TV in order to catch all the coverage of E3. So far, I'm very impressed with a lot of the strides that the industry has been making with special regards to the new Wii U and how developers are reacting to the technology in the Kinect. Some of the most relevant information that just made me giddy were the unveiling of many of the new 3DS games. I bought that thing a week after it came out, and I have to say I was impressed with it. The 3D certainly expanded my views on it; thought it was going to be gimmicky.

So while games like a revamped StarFox 3D and Luigi's Mansion 2 are games that really piqued my interest, what really made me squee was the information that they're finally getting around to making a handheld, portable version of Super Smash Bros. I've loved the series and its unique approach to the fighter genre and I've always wanted them to make one that you could take with you ever since the GBA.

For those of you who don't play video games and have no idea what I'm talking about, this is a summarized version of Super Smash Bros. (now going to be abbreviated to SSB). This game boasts a large roster of characters that you can choose from that are all (save for two characters in the latest installment) intellectual properties of Nintendo. They range from very well known characters like Mario and Pikachu to lesser known characters like the Ice Climbers and Marth. The point of the game is to smack around a foe or foes until you can smack them off the screen of play and thus lose a life. There is no HP, instead, there's damage percentages. The higher the percentage, the more likely that they can be hit off the stage.

So this got me thinking about a lot of my experiences with my game. I remember when I was a cocky little kid, I think it was in about sixth grade, and I got invited to my first birthday party (I wasn't a very popular little one). We went to a local football game but afterward headed back to the birthday kids house and booted up Super Smash Bros. Melee. I figured being I was the most likely to be the gaming nerd, I would be the best.

I started bragging about how good I was and how everyone was going down. E'erbody gonna die. They all just laughed and told me to prove it. They all picked characters I had thought were shitty and I picked a character I thought was amazing, Roy. It turned out, they were A LOT better than me. I got my asked kicked so hard. They employed shield dodges and just about every single attack of mine missed. Then they followed it up with a flurry of attacks and I would die. Easily.

I was usually the first person to die and they mocked me. I guess I deserved it, but I hated losing, and so I started the training montage. Long story short, I got better really fast just to kick their asses, and did. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's losing. While I'm not a poor sport, I'm very, very competitive.

Then came the time in my Super Smash career when I entered tournaments. One tournament I will never forget. I was in the final round for Super Smash Bros. Brawl against another kid. I picked a character named Marth. He's quick, his range isn't too bad, and he's a pretty good aerial fighter. Good at jumping, nimble, and though his attacks aren't that damaging, they are quick to add up. My opponent picked Zero Suit Samus. Her description is quite similar to Marth's, except she doesn't have too good of a midrange game. She's good at long range and good at short range. I figured I had the advantage until the game told us what level we would play.

Big Blue.

If you don't play videogames and you're still reading this, let me explain. This is a shitty level. Remember how I said that if you go off the screen you die? Well this level has moving platforms that will eventually move off the stage. If you stay on it too long, you die. The ground is hard to explain, but for the most part, if you hit the ground, you automatically get sent off the stage and you die. Not only all of this, but most of the platforms are quite small and easy to get knocked off. While there is a lot of platforms, getting thrown onto the ground below them is quite common and quite an easy way to win. It was going to be a tricky battle.

We both hold our ground quite well. We trade blows back and forth. I try to stay out of her range and attack from the outside, but she was good at moving back in and dealing some good amounts of damage. We played with five lives each, and it seemed like everyone one of my lives that she killed, I would take one of hers. An even match.

Then came the moment we each had one life left. We fought valiantly and hard. We were both meticulous in our execution now more than ever. If we left the slightest opening, we could be instantly sent to the ground below and die. I tried to bait and tackle my opponent at one point. I jumped onto a platform as it was moving away hoping my opponent would chase me and I would easily knock them to the ground or at least away. They had anticipated that however. They dodged my attack in mid air and landed beside me.

They were able to attack me a couple of times and I was able to retaliate in an effective manner, but soon, the platform we were standing on was moving off of the stage. We each had 150%+ which meant that whoever got in the next attack was going to be the winner. It was all going to be about timing. We would both have to jump onto another platform and manage to get in the last killing blow or be killed. Easy as that, our instincts had taught us well.

I could sense the anticipation of the group of the fallen that was behind us had garnered. They watched with great interest as we each lost our lives one by one. Cheering and 'aww'ing when appropriate. But now, at this point, they knew as well what must happen. Jump and attack. Whoever was the quickest was going to be the winner.

It was now or never.

We both were in sync as we leaped off of our platform towards the next one. Our fingers grasped our controllers knowing how well we would have to time an attack and possibly an effective dodge in order to win. Then came the damnedest thing. My character somehow fell to the ground and was instantly dead.

"GAME!", the announcer declared. Nobody knew what happened. One second, tense anticipation, next second, I was dead. I did not point my character in the direction of certain death, so how did it happen?

We ran the replay of the end of the round. We all watched as our characters both jumped into the air. Everything seemed normal. Then came the crushing defeat. It appeared she used my face as a jumping point and kicked me into the ground. I didn't die and lose because of a lack of skill (well, I guess that's debatable), I lost because of a mechanic of the game. The girl jumped off of my face and kicked me into the ground automatically in order to win the tournament. I was devastated, but at least it made for an interesting story. Still pissed about it though.

So how about you my fellow bloggers? You enjoy video games? You keeping up with e3? Or is everything I just said complete gibberish? Post it below in the comments. Thanks for the support!

Music

Well, this is going to be a music post. A very weird music post at that.

Now, out of my friends, I am considered quite the oddball. If you go back through some of my earlier posts and stories, you could probably see that I'm kinda weird. Or maybe that's just me, but who knows, you be the judge of that. However, music is no different. Although I have a diverse set of friends who like all kinds of music, I have very eclectic tastes.

This is not to say that I don't like what they like, cause I do, but my tastes branch out. I like music that most people find very annoying or otherwise bad. A good portion of what I listen to may be considered 'underground', but not in the "I'm such a cool hipster kid, I listen to this cause it's not mainstream" type of underground, but the demographic is sooooo freaking tiny, it only appeals to people like me and possibly whoever is reading this.

I bring this up because I got into a few conversations (all unrelated from each other) last night about music. I started talking to one person about what kind of stuff they like (I'm just getting to know that person). I talked to a few others about what they were listening to. Hell, I was even making a playlist for what I was going to listen to in the shower. So me and that one person I'm getting to know better went back and forth with music that we liked, and my tastes...well, much like a lot of other people, they didn't sync up well.

I figured especially cause a good portion of the people I follow have some kind of music post, I might as well go with the flow and post one myself. I know you can really get to know a person based upon the music they like, and while I have listened to many tracks of the people I follow, I haven't thrown anything down. So here are a few songs.

The first song I'm going to post is a song from a genre called 'Hentaicore'. It's a hardcore techno track that uses sampling from various hentais. The title is in Japanese, but to English, it'd be, "Oniichan, Ramee!!!". It's hard to accurately describe what that means, sorry.



This next song is from an artist that I enjoy very much, Yngwie Malmsteen (pronounced Ing-Vay). He plays speed metal and lays down a shit ton of arpeggios and sweeping. Most of his songs are about this speed, and he's able to play them just as well live as well as in the studio. From time to time, he lays down some neoclassical bits which I fully enjoy as well.


This next song is a huge guilty pleasure. It's so damn catchy and I can't even understand what the hell they're saying most of the time. I don't even remember how the hell I found this, but I remember annoying the shit out of my friend who was with me when I did. Oh, and there's some hot Asian girls in it too, that's always a plus.



I feel kinda bad for possibly annoying the shit out of and/or poisoning your minds. All those songs are super fast, and I like it that way, but for some relief and to wind down, here's some nice mellow jazz.



Well, I hope you enjoyed at least one of those (I'm sure it was most likely the last one). I promise I'll put down something more worthwhile next time.

If you have any requests that you'd like to see me post about, just throw it down in the comments. Music, movies, books, more stories, whatever it is, I'll try my best. Thanks for the support~!

Axe

I got a problem with those Axe body spray, body washes, and shampoo commercials. Not just Axe in general, but Tag, Bod and all those other ones. It's not cause I'm homophobic or something and freak out over half naked guys. I don't care about that. Or for some feminist reason. Cause I'm not a feminist. They annoy me because of one ridiculous reason. They're not ridiculous enough.

Watch any of those commercials, and usually, it's the same. It shows some guy at a party/beach/club or very social place attracting half naked women. He'll be in the middle of a crowd, some women will turn up their noses at the wind like dogs and just suddenly go, "Oh, my vagina sense are tingling. Time to hunt."

Then these women will prowl along, ignoring any thing that could be happening at the time, and search out the scent in question. Then, like a cat in heat, will usually start to rub up against their victim who for all they know, maybe just hates smelling bad, could be gay, or may even have a girlfriend that he's going to have to fight or watch be fought by this organization of women.

They have gotten more subtle as time has gone on though. I remember in the beginning, the guy would spray some on, and like a nuclear bomb of pheromones being introduced into an ecosystem, women from all over will suddenly sense the scent and mob rush this guy. If only it were so easy huh?

Now, the thing about these commercials is that I personally think it could be a lot better. Let's admit it, the guy who they show is a reasonably good looking guy. I'm not gay, but if I was a woman, I'd probably think that the guys they're showing is at least attractive. It'll be some skinny, but at least toned guy with good clothes that sprays this on, then in addition to looking good, he'll smell good too. Lady killer.

If they wanna make it better, show some rat ass ugly guys. Show a guy with a hockey players mouth (in other words, missing a fuck ton of teeth), patches of hair missing, one ear on their neck, super hunched back, a huge uneven beard with birds living in it, fat, infected sores on his arms or something. Show that guy stumbling around. Show him having no luck.

Next shot, have him spraying on the axe, or bathing with the body wash. Getting it on real good. Putting on some raggedy clothes and then go out somewhere. Show him again, making no luck with anyone until a woman presses her nose up against his face and have her face glowing with delight. Then show the other women in the area going, "Mmm, what be smellin' so damn good."

Then have the women run a train on this dude. Obviously they cannot show this part on tv, but that is definitely how they should run that commercial. They wanna sell product? Show that anyone can wear that cologne and be found attractive based upon scent. And I swear, if I see this idea in a commercial a couple months from now, I'm going to be pissed.