Drunk Thoughts: Before and After

Thoughts I had before and after I was drunk.

First, if for some reason you haven’t read this page, read it first. It’s important, I promise. It’s important to me. It’s from Spider-Man, issue 10. Reading this sets me into tears; at least close to it. This is how I feel about my everyday life. My family isn’t a great family either. My family is full of alcoholics, drug addicts, people in jail… I’m ‘the good kid’ in the family, but I’m still not as great as people make me out to be. I’ve done horrible things and I’m scared that one day I won’t be able to go back.

I act as a good person. I’d sound like an edgelord if I said it’s not because it doesn’t make me feel good. It does. I enjoy being a good person overall. But part of me knows that part of it is because I’m compensating for the piece of shit human being that I am. I’ve done lots of terrible things. While some of the shit things I’ve done have just been things done out of immaturity, some of them are very recent.

I’ve cheated on a significant other. I got drunk with a girl and attempted to have sex with her. I’ve hurt people. I’ve lied to people. I may have been seeing a girl (more or lesss? I don’t know… More on that later) and yet I’ve led on multiple girls and get them to talk dirty to me almost on a whim. Shameful, shameful things.

It’s all things that I know my dad would/did do. I just… I worry about it all the time. Because with the exception of really hurting people or dealing heavy drugs, I’m not much different from my dad. I workout not for health reasons or even to try and get some kind of peace of mind. It’s because I’m so insecure about myself I workout to try and make myself appealing to people I don’t even care about. I fool around with girl’s who don’t want to date me and especially girls who have boyfriends. I do both of these things because I’m so fucking scared of intimacy. I’m a coward.

At least fooling around with girls grants me some kind of pleasure. I don’t have to stick around. I know that I’m not really cared about; just enough for them to take pity on a poor soul like me. Then on the other hand, a girl I actually care about I’ve pretty much lost all hope with.

She doesn’t text or message me as she used to. She doesn’t want to hang out with me as often. I fucked all of that up. She’s such a terrific, fantastic human being. I love her eyes and the way she looks around when she’s trying to think of something. Or the way she sometimes bites her lip on concentration. Or how her hands move and her voice changes when she’s excited. But because I’m so much of a coward to make a move, I think she’s gotten impatient with me.

I’ve done so many horrible things. Why would anyone like me let alone let themselves be intimately involved with me if they knew all of the shitty things I’ve done? I just… I don’t deserve it. I really don’t. This is all I should be allowed. This torturous existence of being near but never having the fucking gall to even make a decent move. Such is the life of the pathetic like me.