Sleepless

December 19th, 2016

I don’t even want to sleep. I don’t want to sleep because that means that I’ll have to wake up again. Sometimes I just don’t even want to live. I feel so out of control of my life. I have the ability to control the little things but nothing that realliy matters. Nothing that’s important.

I found a new job so I can make more money so I can buy more things. That’s nice, I can live a little more comfortably I suppose, but for what? I guess that’s the question that everyone has been asking since the dawn of time so I’m not special. I just hate that I’m just like everyone else and stuck in this cycle of meaninglessness.

I can’t and won’t end my life. So because I can’t choose to end it, I can’t say I’m really in control of it. When you’re truly in control of something, you should also have the ability to terminate it. I can’t end my life. Even if I truly had the courage to do so, that just leaves everyone around me in a shit position. I can’t do that to them. I won’t do that to them.

I’m just lonely. So very lonely. I suppose that’s the reason why I try to do whatever I can for the sake of friendship. I never had that familial support structure. I’ve had romantic love very few times in my life. The only thing that could possibly fill that hole is friendship but at the end of the night what does that do for me? At least, what does it do when I can’t share with them?

There are very few people who are excited to see me just to see me. There was always Beth but more often than not I feel like that’s because it’s more of a familial relationship than anything. She depends on me. I’m a nasty bastard who has a hard time bringing themselves to depend on anyone. Besides that, I just want someone to miss me and it mean something.

Bethany misses me right now but that is because of the situation she’s in. When she was out with any of her boyfriends she didn’t miss me. Which isn’t to say that’s a bad thing, but it’s just a different thing. The animals miss me, but they’re subservient to me. Of course they’ll miss me. I just want a message from someone I care about to say that they miss me. That’s all I want.

That they can’t wait to see me.

They’re looking forward to when I arrive.

They can’t bare it without me.

Maybe that’s just because I’m egotistical as fuck. Maybe that is too much to ask. Maybe that’s a little selfish.

I recently saw a new device. It’s a hologram of a woman (and of course, it just HAS to be anime looking to appeal to my shit weeb tastes) who will send periodic messages of encouragement throughout the day. I know everyone thinks I’m strong and I am, but I feel so terribly weak.

My armor is strong but inside I’m fragile. I can’t even bring myself to cry. I’ve started to drink to get rid of that pain. I’m almost at the point where I’m about to start reading visual novels again just to maybe feel attachment to someone again.

I really do adore Megan. I have it for her bad, but I just don’t know what will become of us. I feel like I’m way too clingy. I’m pushing her away. I know she has issues that she doesn’t want to burden me with, but is that really it? Perhaps she genuinely doesn’t feel the same way. Then again, I read that people with depression have a hard time with relationships because they feel like they’re nothing but trouble for their partner so maybe this is it with her too. It’s so hard to think about whether or not this could be that or what other options it could be.

In my last entry I think I touched upon that a little bit. When I’m first without her the loneliness is almost unbearable. But as time goes by, that pain is numbed. I’m sure this is just one of those moments now. I miss her so much and I think she might be avoiding me for one reason or another. Other people see her and I find myself in the unusual position of being jealous.

I hate myself for that. What right have I to jealousy?

None.

(God I write like a pompous asshole)

I’ve gone out with a few girls since I’ve been tentatively seeing Megan. It’s weird now. By sheer comparison, most other girls now seem… dull. Boring. Most of the time not as a person, but girls who I knew I would have liked (or in some cases did admire at one point) now don’t seem as interesting. Which makes me feel like just the biggest douche bag. There’s one other girl who has caught my eye, but that’s another story for another time.

Regardless, I am the worst. There are so many things about me that just make me so deserving of all of this. I deserve all of this dull, aching pain. I am and pretty much have always been a shit person. I can say good things and almost all of the time mean them. But that’s because I’m clever. That’s because I’m smart. But when it comes down to it? I’ve done, said, and do shitty things that I could never make up for.

People have told me some of the worst shit they’ve done and all of it seems petty. It all seems so small. I only know how to be the ‘best’ that so many claim I am because I know how to be the worst. Fuck me I just sound like a fucking edgelord bitch. Still, I guess that’s how I feel.

I don’t want to live.

But I don’t want to die either.

That would do nothing but hurt everyone else. Only after everyone else has left the party and I’m alone will I allow myself that.