It feels weird wanting someone again. Feeling jealous about
someone again. It’s something that hasn’t happened in a long time. Such a long
time that I’m not sure what else to do except write my feelings about it here.
Just like usual, I will not say her full name, only that her
name is Sarah. That should be enough for future me to read. Future me to
possibly remember this time.
It’s an odd feeling to say the least. Confusing. Not so much
the feelings itself I guess but I’m more confused about what to do with them. I
have a deep yearning from the pit of my soul that wants to be with her, but I
can’t really put my finger on why. She’s adorable and cute and the fear that’s
associated with all of that comes rushing back.
I’ve been on a couple of dates since breaking up with Beth
and one of them was extremely subpar and the other one was okay. It can
sometimes sicken me with how well I can act in front of people. Other times it
comes as a relief. Honestly I’m not sure how I feel about that with either of
the previous women.
Immediately upon seeing one of them I knew that I was not
interested, but I lied to myself to the point of believing it; just for a
moment. I just wasn’t physically attracted. She had a beautiful mind but I was
far from attracted to her and even though I know that underneath the clothes I
am nothing, I still could not see myself with her. I even went out on a second
date, but it was at that second date I realized that that was not what I
wanted. Am I terrible for having a preference? I like to think not. Am I
terrible for having pretended and entertained the possibility of a third date
and more? Absolutely monstrous.
The person was like if I had found a way to enjoy the tumblr
culture I had come to spite. Them themselves (they prefer to have the pronoun
‘them/they’ used) had some interesting sides to their personality. They had
their moments where they were adorable, but the farther I descended down, I
realized that that too was not what I wanted. She very much had the mindset
that a lot of people observe about teenagers. The ‘This is how the world is/I’m
wise beyond my years/I’m so complex’ mentality. The entire world underneath
their thumb. These were the people who I have a great distaste for. These are the
people who see things in one view without being able to even entertain the idea
of the other side having merit. Sometimes there isn’t even another side but
they create hostility until a line is drawn and sides are cast.
I did sleep with that girl. For a horndog like me, I thought
it would have been a lot more fun. Perhaps I was going through the motions but
I think that deep down I knew that I just didn’t like this girl either. An
hour. I had sex for an hour only to peak at nothing. It was fun sure, but it
was as fun as a casual game that you play competitively. Enjoyable in the
meantime, but it has no meaning at the end. Is that harsh and cruel things to
say? Yup. Probably definitely. But that’s why I write them here where nobody
can read it.
Now back to this girl that’s been tiptoeing in the fissures
of my brain. It’s an oddity for sure. Almost every girl that I’ve dated up
until this point has demanded my attention. Whether it was because I was that
infectious or because they enjoyed me that much, I’ve never really been able to
know. Sarah is not like this though and that kind of scares me. She doesn’t
demand my attention which is something that is new for me.
I’m so used to people who claim to have affection for me be
so wrapped up in me that at this point I start to worry when it doesn’t happen.
It’s fucked up and egocentric for sure, but it’s a creeping feeling that
scratches at me. I know that really it’s probably just how a normal human being
functions, not wanting to wrap up all their time in me, but damn if it’s the
oddest feeling.
Sarah showed me a new artist. One that I had never heard of
in a style that I can’t even really place. It’s an artist that goes by the name
of Emancipator. Music is an extremely important part of my life. For the longest
time it was only through music that I was able to feel. In the days where I was
able to shut off all feeling, it was only through music that I could experience
a broader range of emotions. When someone shows me music that I can enjoy it
endears me to them.
When I started listening to this music that Sarah showed me,
it made me swoon.
Deep, soulful notes pierce the light and easy percussive
beats. Every song feels like I’m gingerly walking through serenity. I can work
or I can relax while listening to this. It’s like my ears have discovered new
food and I can’t get enough of it right now. However, it’s a dish that cannot
be devoured. It’s a dish that has to be slowly taken in.
Sarah is soft and her scent intoxicating. I feel almost like
a creep.
But she does all these little things that just make me want
her even more. I cuddled with her and the way she curled up next to me, the way
she nuzzled me, the small bites to my hand, it just felt right.
But for what? What scares me the most is that I don’t know
what to do if we did start dating. What’s my end game? I can’t see this being a
long term thing. I barely know what I want to do with my life and she’s just
starting hers. I don’t wants kids and I don’t want to get married. I don’t know
what I want outside of just wanting her. But what kind of selfish goal is that?
I’ll have to think about it deeper.
No comments:
Post a Comment