Cosmopolitan

So I'm a late night person. I like to go out with friends late at night and just fool around. It's much more fun that way, the night adds a veil, a touch of mystery to our otherwise foolish acts. We'll take late night strolls around town, munch at some foods at a late night restaurant, have some laughs. Every now and then, we'll go to the 24/7 Meijer's (a shopping center) and wander around. Sometimes we'll even play a game of tag.

About a week ago, I went with some friends down to Meijer's, not because we wanted to play tag, but because my friends wanted candy really bad and we were already driving by it. So we stopped by and scoured the shelves for some specific candy that my friend's wanted. One of them we couldn't find (Snicker's Peanut Butter Squared) but while we were searching, we found the tabloid and magazine sections.

Now while I'm not a person who is interested as to what celebrities are having babies with who and snorting whose cocaine off of whose stomach, the magazines that cater to the people who really enjoy conspiracy theories are ones that I always find hilarious. Anytime I go to a store, I try to look for a copy of those. I'm not sure if they even still exist, but it is something I always try to look for.

This one particular time, the Cosmopolitan caught my eye. Not even because of a sexy woman on the cover. For those of my ten or so readers that go through and check this out that don't know, Cosmopolitan is a magazine geared towards women that reveals various sex, beauty, and other misc. tips to help out the average woman. Being a man, I usually linger on it for a second to look at the title, maybe take a look at the woman gracing the cover, then go onto the next one. This magazine was different.

On the front, it said, "75 Sex Moves He Craves" in big bold print. Being a guy, I wanted to see how accurate this was. So I picked it up, gathered around my other friends (a guy and his girlfriend) and we were going to see how these shaped up.

Some of these made sense. One of them said something on the lines of how this guy wished his girl would surprise him with sex. Okay, I get that. I can see where he's coming from. Another one was something that seemed like it could've been fixed really easily. It said something that he wished his girl would've put her legs in a different way when they were doing certain things, which in reality seems like he could've just said, "Hey, do this" or even better yet, do it himself, but everyone has different circumstances. One of them was just sad. One of them said he wished his girlfriend would've opened her eyes at least ONCE during sex. Which just immediately made me "D'awww". There were two however that were just ridiculous.

One of them said something like, "I wish that when my girl rode me on top of me, she'd use her legs to spin herself around on my penis like she was a top.". Now, I'm just going to say straight up and admit right here that I still have not lost my virginity. Still, even so, I can make a pretty good educated guess and say that a woman can not go Hitmontop (that was a Pok'e'mon reference)on a penis. I think it might just break or something. Like I said though, I don't know if it could be possible. Maybe she could get her swivel on or something, but he described a girl being a rotating object on his phallus.

The next one was just mind blowing. This man said that when a woman gives him a hand job, he wishes that a woman would take both of her hands...and twist in the opposite direction. Now, I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm pretty sure what he just described was an Indian Burn. On his penis. Now, I'm not going to judge this guy, to each his own. We all have our own fetishes, likes, dislikes. I can understand that, I hold nothing against this guy.

What I do have against this is the fact that Cosmo is selling this out as a TIP to women. They are saying that this is something that guys are going to like. If they want to be good at sexual relationships, that is a good tip to have in mind. If I am ever, EVER with a girl and she thinks to herself, 'Hmm...I remember reading that thing in Cosmo about twisting my hands in opposite directions' and proceeds to twist my dick in her hands...Relationship is over. There is no if ands or buts about it. It is done.