Inspiration

I've been told many times in my life that I've been an 'inspiration' to someone. That I've been an enormous source of inspiration for one person or another. Someone a couple months ago told me that I am someone that the world wishes they could be but are too afraid to act like. Someone last night told me that they were too embarrassed to be my friend at a low point in their life because I was too good of a person. Another person told me they didn't want to date me because compared to me, they were too terrible of a person. People often tell me that I'm the only person they feel like they can trust and rely

It must seem fucked up to think of all these things as bad, but all these things are just so pressuring. I don't feel like I go above and beyond anything unreasonable. It's just all of these expectations weigh down on me sometimes. I'm sure this is the same kind of pressure that everyone deals with, but sometimes it just feels like a completely different level. People expect me to be 'better', to be 'honest', but most of the time I feel like I'm just good at spinning the truth.

Someone told me recently that they feel like I'm one of their closest friends because they can share anything with me and I won't judge them. This is true, with some extreme cases excluded of course. The thing is, I think people just have a different value of shame. I don't mind sharing most things with people because I feel like there are so many more things to feel ashamed about. Thus, the things that most people would be embarrassed to admit, I feel nothing about. The things that most people wouldn't do, I have no reservations.

That leaves me with the fears that most people have placed in different things. That's what makes me different. I have fears that are wrapped in various delusions and irrational paranoia. Sometimes I get scared thinking about whether or not people would like me if they knew how suicidal I was on the inside and how messed up my train of thinking is. How desperately I wish to be an alcoholic but I know that I can't afford it. How depressed and anxious I am on a daily but have a higher sense of duty that pushes on through despite all that.

Of course logic tells me every single one of them would be there in a heartbeat ready to help. Nobody would even hesitate to help me. But I don't want them to. I'd rather drown. And I don't know why. I'd rather drown under my own sorrows alone rather than let people help me. Would people misunderstand? Would people think that I don't care about them? Because it's only through the help and pressure of others that I stay alive and push on. I do it more for them most days than I do for myself.

If anything, I'm scared that some day that might not be enough. I love my friends and all the people in my life, but sometimes I'm just scared that I'll be alone one day and that whatever strength I had will be gone and I'll follow suit.