Dreams

[Originally written 5/24/2013]

I've been having a lot of odd dreams lately.

They've been rather unsettling. Not so much that they're disturbing in some way, but more because of how they make me feel. I usually don't even remember these dreams, but these dreams are so vivid. They leave an indelible mark on me that I haven't been able to shake off lately to the point of frustration and almost on the brink of tears. I don't even know why they've been driving me so crazy lately.

The first dream I had was a few nights ago. It was about a girl who I've had other dreams I've written about in this blog and if anything, that's one of the reasons why I feel the weirdest about it. In fact, she might be reading this now. If you are, I was planning on throwing this down, then I found out that you still read my bloggity, then I had more dreams in this same token and so I decided I'm writing them all down.

It was a dream where I might have been dating her, or perhaps I was just with her, it wasn't made entirely clear. What I do remember is taking her hand and walking along with her, laughing with her. We walked towards the sun in the dusk. I wanted to show her this field that was very special to me. In hindsight, it's a very ugly field. I've only been there a couple of times. In real life, this field is rather barren and lackluster, but showing this field to her was my goal.

When we had arrived, it was covered in flowers, flowers of all kinds. If anything, it was very reminiscent of Final Fantasy VIII. I showed it to her and I could hear her gasp in amazement and surprise. As we talked in a hushed voice, almost like we did not want to disturb the sanctity of the beauty, the sun quickly dipped below the horizon and the stars came out.

We held hands and laid back into the flowers and watched the skies; eyes gazing the stars. The only way it could've been cheesier was if there were shooting stars and a musical number started playing. We just laid there, talking. It felt ethereal.

Then I woke up. My chest hurt so much. I looked over at my girlfriend and I hugged her tightly as I realized it wasn't her I was dreaming about. I felt so guilty. Not even so much that I was dreaming about another girl, but that I had so much heartache after dreaming about another girl. Even now typing this, I feel guilty and paranoid she'll find out about this. I know she won't cause I've kept this blog such a tight secret, but those feelings twist inside of me.

Then I had another dream today. It was about L. She texted me saying she broke up with her boyfriend/girlfriend and she could finally start texting me again and we could be friends once more. I remember even in my dream the initial feeling from reading that text was rage. How dare she say it so casually, especially after a year of no contact.

I was going out into my living room to tell my girlfriend about it, but her and L were both in the living room chatting it up. I froze. Just seeing L again and hearing her greet me with a simple, "hi", was enough to send my stomach spiraling.

"Uh...Hi, L"

She looked up at me with that smile I had been so enamored with for years. That warm smile, freezing me to the spot.

"Yeah, um, L, this is my girlfriend, ___________. ___________, this is L."

They looked at each other, both displaying the epitome of kindness and civility which I'm honestly unsure if that would happen. I stood there, dumbfounded about the situation.

In this dream, we all went to our room, I guess we all shared the same room cause we all had clothes in the same place, and started going through it. The girls changed in front of me, and it was like they were trying to tease me or subtly compete for my attention. They joked and spoke to each other, but I could see their snide glances to the side, peering over at me.

At one point or another, L took me aside and was trying to get me to leave my girlfriend. I'm glad that even in a dream state, I was able to hold my ground. I held her away from me and I almost started to cry as I knew I had to give her up. I told her that I couldn't be with her, our time had passed and I was dedicated to my current girlfriend.

L then casually brushed me off and told me she'd make me hers yet. My heart sank a little bit as I knew that perhaps I did want that. It hurt just seeing her walking away. Her and my girlfriend got back together and started to talk and chatter happily between them, but I could do nothing but walk away.

When I awoke from this dream, I felt conflicted, as if I truly had that decision. I know it not to be something I can do, but it was still something that nagged inside of me. Something that pulled deep at my chest. If confronted with something like that in the future, would I still hold strong? I love my girlfriend. She's the only one I've cried for. Or am I just comfortable being around her? These questions have been popping into my head.

It feels so wrong, but yet, a part of me yearns...